Love Letter To…

To…

I want you to know how I feel.  I need you to know how I feel, cos its driving me crazy.  Even trying to find the right words is difficult, because I don’t know where to start and I don’t know where the feelings end.  I’m not sure how strong my feelings are, and then when I stop to consider them, I wonder whether they’re even genuine.

However, I think they have to be.  Because there is no reason for me to feel this aching sadness, simply because I don’t know if you feel for me.  There is no need for me to get upset over being unable to tell you how I feel.  I shouldn’t miss you this much or want to talk to you almost everyday.  Why have I sat wondering what’s going on with her or if she is your girlfriend?  In all honesty, I should feel no way about us not being together and just being friends.

I wish it was that easy – that I could lock my feelings away and toss them to the bottom of the sea, never to be felt again.  I don’t want to feel this way about you.  You’re my friend and a close friend at that; losing you does not bear thinking about.  When life feels bad, it’s you I want to talk to.  I want to share my joys with you.  Music is our language; so many songs make me think of you – if you only knew how many songs I’ve sent, loosely trying to let on how I feel about you.

Yet I don’t think its the same on your end – I’m not sure you want to let me in.  Although don’t get me wrong, you’ve shared some beautiful things and I’ve valued our conversations more than you will ever know.  I just don’t think you realise how much I want to be there for you, how much I am there for you, and I want to hear anything you have to say.

You might ask when my feelings for you began, but I honestly have no idea.  I know they’ve been there for a while, but I’ve tried my hardest to ignore or suppress them, to no avail it would seem.  All I know is that you were able to capture my heart with your caring nature, maturity and musical romanticism; your humour, intelligence and wisdom.  Your eyes drew me in to your haunting beauty – beautiful eyes that somehow see beauty in me.

I love the way you see me; I wish I could see myself the same way that you do.  I don’t know if that will ever be the case though, as you see this truly beautiful, strong, amazing woman, which I cannot understand.  But then again, I can tell that you don’t fully see yourself the way I see you.

What makes my feelings for you even more frustrating is that they persist, even when you hurt me last year and left my heart feeling bruised.  You came across like so many others before you and it effected our bond in a way – I put up walls and tried to create some distance, which hasn’t fully gone away.  Yet those feelings are still there and you won’t get at of my head, as sickening as it is.

I want to be close to you and have your arms wrapped around me.  I want to look up into those big, beautiful brown eyes that warm my heart and put a smile on my face.  I want to walk with you hand in hand, talking about our lives.  I want to be able to kiss you, while we listen to the music we love so much.  Simply put, I want to be with you… but I can’t and that’s just the way it is.  You’re out of reach and you most likely don’t feel the same.  That’s just the way my life is and I’m gonna have to deal with that.

However, I had to let you know how I feel, because it was tearing my up inside and I couldn’t take it anymore.  I hope we can stay friends, because I love you with all my heart and I can’t lose you.  You’ve become such a special person in my life and I hope you know that.

Love always,

Shan

Fighting Off The Enemy

Gotta keep fighting;

Fighting against the thoughts in my head

That tell me,

“I’m not good enough,”

“I can’t do this,”

“I won’t make it,”

“No one will care.”

Achievements,

My abilities,

Mean nothing to these voices;

The good

Always obliterated by the bad,

The positives

Cancelled by the negatives.

Fear paves the way,

Opening the gate

For the inner demons to stride in,

Settle down

And make themselves at home;

Filling my mind

With poison

That’s torture to get rid of.

When things are moving forward,

Challenges beginning to arise,

That’s when the fear comes,

Looming over like dark cloudy skies;

Trying to stop me from moving forward,

Wanting to hold me back,

If the enemy sees I’m making progress,

That’s when they choose to attack.

Leaving me in the never-ending battle

Being fought within,

Now I need to make sure

The enemy doesn’t win.

 

Happy Birthday Young People Insight

This month, the youth platform I started, Young People Insight, turned a year old. I can’t believe how fast a year has gone and what I’ve been able to achieve, although they don’t always seem like major achievements to me.

I’m proud of what I started and I hope it continues to grow, empowering the voices of young people and having a positive impact on their lives. This poem is simply a reflection of where my creative baby started from, as I say Happy Birthday to Young People Insight.

Young People Insight

My baby;

Born out of a time of confusion,

Searching for fulfillment,

Something better,

More special than I imagined

Came along.

Not what I planned,

Or expected,

It hit me by surprise;

But I knew I had to nurture it,

Feed it,

Give attention to it;

Although I didn’t ask for it,

Hadn’t planned for it,

I knew I wanted it,

Grew to love it;

In spite of the uncertainty,

Asking,

How would I do this?

Help and advice would be a necessity

For every step of this journey;

I knew I could do it.

So I took the first step,

Second step forward,

Bringing my baby to life;

Watching it develop,

Month after month,

More insight coming to mind.

Now my baby

Has turned a year old,

I can’t believe the first birthday is here;

Directions have changed,

Thought processes become clear

And new people in my life I’ve…

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