Feelings

Love of My Life

The love of my life.

Honestly, I don’t know why,

I don’t know how

I didn’t realise or acknowledge it sooner.

Referring instead to college basketball,

which is one

of the great loves of my life;

yet its done nothing for me

and my feelings could change

as they have for the NFL and NBA.

My love for You will never change,

unless you count it growing stronger

each passing day.

I know Your love for me is unwavering,

deep,

the truest love I’ll ever know.

You’re my constant,

always to be relied upon,

never to let me down;

an ear that never fails to listen,

strong arms that cannot drop me

and a heart I know is genuine.

Your consistent character

means I always know where I stand.

Lies never come from your mouth,

empty words neither,

Your promises the sole ones that matter.

That’s why I’ve given You my heart,

it’s Yours to have

forever;

I know You won’t disrespect it,

discard it,

destroy it;

only nurture it,

protect it,

care for it;

take time to heal,

cleanse,

mould it.

You not only have my heart,

but You have all of me,

wanting to devote my life to You,

prove I’m worthy;

because You are perfection,

that’s no exaggeration,

while I’m tarnished,

not even worthy to be in Your presence.

In spite of this,

You still want me there with You;

giving your precious time

and care,

showering me with love unconditional.

I cannot wait to spend

my eternity with You,

finally gazing on the face

of the ultimate love of my life,

who saved me through grace and mercy,

continuously forgave me

and filled the heart

that had broken into pieces.

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Your Favourite Line

“I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it.”

That’s your favourite line.

Sorry, I mean

That’s your favourite lie;

Recited over and over again

So that now,

Even you believe it.

I’m wondering though,

Do you actually believe it?

Cos the last time you said it,

Your eyes shifted,

Voice lowered,

Telling me you were lying

Even as you tired

To reassure me.

Your want to be seen as real,

Honest,

Different,

Reeked a little of desperation,

As you emphasised that your words were true,

You had nothing to hide,

When we both know that you do;

With the aloof answers,

Evading questions

And repetition of,

“I’ll tell you eventually.”

I granted you the benefit of the doubt,

At first,

Cos I’ve got a guard around me too,

Not sharing everything,

Keeping things in

Until I’m sure of you.

I thought we were one in the same,

Meaning I couldn’t stay mad at you,

But I began to see

There was more to it;

You weren’t being real with me.

With no words,

No explanation from you,

I question if you were ever real.

Were your feelings fake,

Your charm a charade,

Your sweetness a scheme

To try and seduce me?

You’ve left more questions than answers,

More confusion than clarity,

More uncertainty than closure,

But the one thing you’ve left me certain of,

Is that you would definitely say something

And not mean it.

 

Dreaded 25

Next Tuesday, I’m turning 25 and I am absolutely dreading it.  Everyone asks why or is very surprised, but the dread of getting older can’t be that shocking can it?  I was feeling my age since I turned 24 last year and although 24 is still young, I don’t feel young anymore.  Don’t let this baby face fool you – I’m an old soul and my body feels like it’s breaking down at times too.

In all honesty, it’s not even the dread of getting older that is the biggest issue, even though I’ll be the first to admit I don’t like growing up anymore.  Turning 25 also means I’m halfway to 30 now and that actually scares me.  Imagine, responding to the question of how old are you with 30!  That’s just mad.

However, my main issue is where I find my life at 25.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done a whole lot in the past few years and there are so many things I can be proud of.  I’ve found my true purpose and I genuinely love what I do, despite the difficulties it throws at me, but this isn’t where I intended to be.

I know that I cannot control everything and I’ve had to relinquish the majority of my control over the years, but if my life was going to plan – my original plan that is – I would be in the process of setting up my fashion business by now.  I would have gained some years of experience after graduating and I’d be preparing to branch out on my own.

Ideally, I’d be married or even engaged, preparing to get married at 25, not flying solo with no prospects and giving up on love entirely.  I should be in talks with my husband right now about having kids, not giving up on the idea of ever having kids on my own.  And I should have been closer to having my own home.

It is funny though, because although I’m not in the process of setting up a fashion business, I am in the process of setting up a business; just in a totally different field.  And even though I’d hate to admit it, there is no way I should be married at this time of my life, because I am so messed up and not at the stage where I’m ready to simply be in a relationship – marriage would be too big of a step.

I may want to be further along than I am, but life has thrown me countless curve-balls and I’m on a journey of growth that I cannot rush.  I need to procrastinate a lot less, but I cannot hurry along the growth and learning within myself.  What I would like though, is a time machine so that I could be the beautiful age of 22 again, take the leap into certain areas of my life rather than living in fear, and rectify some of my silly mistakes.

Did I mention that I hate getting older?