Feelings

Giving Up, Not Waiting for Love

I haven’t written on here for a long while – which is really sad, cos this is one of my babies – partly because I have been busy or have not known what to write about.  However, I’ve now got so much I want to say, but I have no idea of where to start from, which is often the case.  My head is regularly a crazy jumble, whirling round with masses of thoughts and inner-venting.  The inner-venting seems like a good starting point, so I’m going to begin with venting on one of my favourite venting topics: guys.

Yes, that ancient frustration with guys continues to nag at me.  Is it any wonder why I’ve given up on love?  I’m genuinely serious, I’ve given up on love.  If it happens, it happens, but I am not holding my breath, especially as I am willfully trying to avoid love finding me.  I’m not really about dating anyone and I hate the concept of letting anyone remotely close to me, so I prefer to keep others at arm’s length.

Despite not wanting to date or get involved with anyone, guys insist on trying to work their way in.  This should be flattering, but it actually isn’t, considering most of them are time-wasters that end up putting me off guys even more.  In my opinion, if you purposefully go out of your way to make contact, you should be serious and actually want to get to know me as a person.  However, this is not their logic and it confounds me; like, I didn’t request your presence in my life.

I’m happy going along my merry way on my own, yet these guys feel that I must have them come along with me, as if they are somehow an answer to a prayer I never prayed.  In turn, this makes them feel somehow entitled, therefore enabling them to call the shots on how all things should run going forward.  They choose to speak or see you when it is convenient for them, they make it so that you have to come to them (even though they approached you), or the classic, they ask you to come to their house, because thinking of somewhere to go out is just too much.

I am beyond sick and tired of guys making interactions all about them – this actually extends beyond romantic interests and applies to all guys in general.  The conversation begins and ends when they feel.  Their time is more important than yours.  It’s alright for them to treat you any way they feel, even if it is unfair, hurtful or inconsiderate.  The majority of guys I know or know of are so self-absorbed, it is unbelievable.

But I digress.  Basically, I am over having guys in my life romantically.  Not only do I enjoy being single – able to focus on my work and do as I please – but I am fatigued by the disappointment, heartbreak and confusion that guys bring.  It seems to be a consistent and I am so done with it.  For some reason, my love life can never be normal or smooth-sailing.

The guys I tend to like do not like me back, or don’t take me seriously, or are only interested in sleeping with me – this is why compliments about my outer appearance mean so little now and compliments about my persona / inner being hold much more weight.

Then with the guys who do like me, I usually don’t like them back and I don’t want to force myself, because that is not fair on either of us.  And when I do start liking a guy who likes me, somehow their interest begins to lessen, until they stop liking me all together.  It is beyond ridiculous.

As I mentioned earlier, I hate letting anyone close or being vulnerable enough to let them in – it terrifies me.  Letting myself have feelings for anyone terrifies me too, because there is always that chance they will cause me pain.  Too many of the guys I have let in or caught feelings for have left, messed me around or caused deep hurt, which have at times taken me a long time to get over.  I refuse to find myself in those positions again.

I recently met someone who I connected with, almost immediately, which doesn’t happen often, automatically making the individual stand out in my eyes.  He proper made me laugh and I felt comfortable with him – he was genuinely someone that I would want to chill with on a regular basis.  Neither of us want to be in a relationship right now, but I did want to get to know him better on a friendship level (that is the best foundation after all).  However, it turns out he is just a typical guy and out to waste my time.  I really am sick of that.

I’m not going to lie, sometimes I would like that go-to person I can pick up the phone and chat to, share the good things and the bad, chill with, and share a sense of intimacy, but we can’t have it all.  For some reason, I don’t do well with love and I don’t see it coming my way.  I’ll just spread love in the world instead.

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I’ll Miss You Uncle Clifford

Yesterday, one of my most treasured members of my church family was laid to rest.  When I learned of his death on an afternoon in December, I was devastated, mainly because I missed out on the opportunity to visit him when he was sick.  The fault was no one’s but mine.  I should have made the time to visit him and speak to him when I had the chance, but now I won’t have that chance again – not until Jesus returns that is.

Uncle Clifford was a very special individual.  He was one of the people I would always make an effort to seek out and say hello when I came to church on Sabbath.  If he didn’t see me, I know that he would ask my mum, “How are my daughters?” inquiring about both me and my sister.  He was someone who would always remember you and genuinely cared about how you were.

Seeing Uncle Clifford never failed to put a smile on my face.  I always looked forward to seeing him, greeted by his grin, warming presence and always a “Hello darling” in his distinct Jamaican tongue.  There was also always a hug and kiss on the cheek waiting for me.  Knowing that I’m not going to hear that treasured greeting again or see his smiling face on Sabbath brings great sadness to my heart, as I know that church will never feel the same again.  Having to see someone else sitting in his spot next to Uncle Jim will be a strange sight for me.

I also enjoyed seeing Uncle Clifford sitting with Uncle Jim at the church’s soup kitchen on Tuesday evenings.  Having the opportunity to see him there in the week made coming to the soup kitchen even better, as I was treated to his trademark greeting and some conversation.

His strength continued through and through, not complaining about any pain or illness he was in, which is a quality I truly admire.  He was always caring and considerate, offering me and my mum lifts home on a number of occasions.  Uncle Clifford would always want to ensure you were safe, well and happy, doing what he could to make it happen.

The moment I heard of his passing, I knew that I was going to miss him, but at his funeral yesterday, it hit me just how much I was going to miss his presence in my life.  Uncle Clifford was a simple, constant figure who brought joy to my days, but I don’t think he realised the impact he had on my life by just being who he was.  I’m glad he’s at peace now and I’m looking forward to seeing him again on that day when Jesus comes.  I love you always Uncle Clifford.