My Expression

Your Favourite Line

“I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it.”

That’s your favourite line.

Sorry, I mean

That’s your favourite lie;

Recited over and over again

So that now,

Even you believe it.

I’m wondering though,

Do you actually believe it?

Cos the last time you said it,

Your eyes shifted,

Voice lowered,

Telling me you were lying

Even as you tired

To reassure me.

Your want to be seen as real,

Honest,

Different,

Reeked a little of desperation,

As you emphasised that your words were true,

You had nothing to hide,

When we both know that you do;

With the aloof answers,

Evading questions

And repetition of,

“I’ll tell you eventually.”

I granted you the benefit of the doubt,

At first,

Cos I’ve got a guard around me too,

Not sharing everything,

Keeping things in

Until I’m sure of you.

I thought we were one in the same,

Meaning I couldn’t stay mad at you,

But I began to see

There was more to it;

You weren’t being real with me.

With no words,

No explanation from you,

I question if you were ever real.

Were your feelings fake,

Your charm a charade,

Your sweetness a scheme

To try and seduce me?

You’ve left more questions than answers,

More confusion than clarity,

More uncertainty than closure,

But the one thing you’ve left me certain of,

Is that you would definitely say something

And not mean it.

 

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Dreaded 25

Next Tuesday, I’m turning 25 and I am absolutely dreading it.  Everyone asks why or is very surprised, but the dread of getting older can’t be that shocking can it?  I was feeling my age since I turned 24 last year and although 24 is still young, I don’t feel young anymore.  Don’t let this baby face fool you – I’m an old soul and my body feels like it’s breaking down at times too.

In all honesty, it’s not even the dread of getting older that is the biggest issue, even though I’ll be the first to admit I don’t like growing up anymore.  Turning 25 also means I’m halfway to 30 now and that actually scares me.  Imagine, responding to the question of how old are you with 30!  That’s just mad.

However, my main issue is where I find my life at 25.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done a whole lot in the past few years and there are so many things I can be proud of.  I’ve found my true purpose and I genuinely love what I do, despite the difficulties it throws at me, but this isn’t where I intended to be.

I know that I cannot control everything and I’ve had to relinquish the majority of my control over the years, but if my life was going to plan – my original plan that is – I would be in the process of setting up my fashion business by now.  I would have gained some years of experience after graduating and I’d be preparing to branch out on my own.

Ideally, I’d be married or even engaged, preparing to get married at 25, not flying solo with no prospects and giving up on love entirely.  I should be in talks with my husband right now about having kids, not giving up on the idea of ever having kids on my own.  And I should have been closer to having my own home.

It is funny though, because although I’m not in the process of setting up a fashion business, I am in the process of setting up a business; just in a totally different field.  And even though I’d hate to admit it, there is no way I should be married at this time of my life, because I am so messed up and not at the stage where I’m ready to simply be in a relationship – marriage would be too big of a step.

I may want to be further along than I am, but life has thrown me countless curve-balls and I’m on a journey of growth that I cannot rush.  I need to procrastinate a lot less, but I cannot hurry along the growth and learning within myself.  What I would like though, is a time machine so that I could be the beautiful age of 22 again, take the leap into certain areas of my life rather than living in fear, and rectify some of my silly mistakes.

Did I mention that I hate getting older?

I Promise

“I promise.”

I hate that phrase.  I despise it, because about 95% of the time, it is pointless, flung out of the mouth of another person probably without them thinking.  In fact, I hate when anyone promises me anything, because it is usually a lie or yet more empty words.

Lies and empty words seem to be points that I am continuously coming back to these days, but unfortunately they are far too common and regularly uttered by individuals.  Why is it so hard to genuinely mean what you say?

Words should measure up with your actions, except that often isn’t the case anymore and I don’t understand why.  It frustrates me, because the words shouldn’t leave your mind if you didn’t mean them in the first place.  I guess it’s my fault though for having some sort of expectation – you shouldn’t expect anything from anyone.  Most have the tendency to let you down.

However, nothing angers me more than people throwing around the word promise and not following through with what they “promised” to do or suddenly switching up on you.  People are way too inconsistent, especially males, and I am freaking tired of it.  Just be who you are, follow through on your words and stop switching up your personality.  I honestly don’t know what to think of some individuals anymore, and I hate that, because then I don’t know how to act around them.

The only promises I can truly trust and believe in are God’s promises, because I know His words are truth.  My God has never switched up on me and I know he never, ever will.  His promises are the only ones that matter and the only ones I can take seriously, because His words have never been empty.