My Thoughts…

Giving Up, Not Waiting for Love

I haven’t written on here for a long while – which is really sad, cos this is one of my babies – partly because I have been busy or have not known what to write about.  However, I’ve now got so much I want to say, but I have no idea of where to start from, which is often the case.  My head is regularly a crazy jumble, whirling round with masses of thoughts and inner-venting.  The inner-venting seems like a good starting point, so I’m going to begin with venting on one of my favourite venting topics: guys.

Yes, that ancient frustration with guys continues to nag at me.  Is it any wonder why I’ve given up on love?  I’m genuinely serious, I’ve given up on love.  If it happens, it happens, but I am not holding my breath, especially as I am willfully trying to avoid love finding me.  I’m not really about dating anyone and I hate the concept of letting anyone remotely close to me, so I prefer to keep others at arm’s length.

Despite not wanting to date or get involved with anyone, guys insist on trying to work their way in.  This should be flattering, but it actually isn’t, considering most of them are time-wasters that end up putting me off guys even more.  In my opinion, if you purposefully go out of your way to make contact, you should be serious and actually want to get to know me as a person.  However, this is not their logic and it confounds me; like, I didn’t request your presence in my life.

I’m happy going along my merry way on my own, yet these guys feel that I must have them come along with me, as if they are somehow an answer to a prayer I never prayed.  In turn, this makes them feel somehow entitled, therefore enabling them to call the shots on how all things should run going forward.  They choose to speak or see you when it is convenient for them, they make it so that you have to come to them (even though they approached you), or the classic, they ask you to come to their house, because thinking of somewhere to go out is just too much.

I am beyond sick and tired of guys making interactions all about them – this actually extends beyond romantic interests and applies to all guys in general.  The conversation begins and ends when they feel.  Their time is more important than yours.  It’s alright for them to treat you any way they feel, even if it is unfair, hurtful or inconsiderate.  The majority of guys I know or know of are so self-absorbed, it is unbelievable.

But I digress.  Basically, I am over having guys in my life romantically.  Not only do I enjoy being single – able to focus on my work and do as I please – but I am fatigued by the disappointment, heartbreak and confusion that guys bring.  It seems to be a consistent and I am so done with it.  For some reason, my love life can never be normal or smooth-sailing.

The guys I tend to like do not like me back, or don’t take me seriously, or are only interested in sleeping with me – this is why compliments about my outer appearance mean so little now and compliments about my persona / inner being hold much more weight.

Then with the guys who do like me, I usually don’t like them back and I don’t want to force myself, because that is not fair on either of us.  And when I do start liking a guy who likes me, somehow their interest begins to lessen, until they stop liking me all together.  It is beyond ridiculous.

As I mentioned earlier, I hate letting anyone close or being vulnerable enough to let them in – it terrifies me.  Letting myself have feelings for anyone terrifies me too, because there is always that chance they will cause me pain.  Too many of the guys I have let in or caught feelings for have left, messed me around or caused deep hurt, which have at times taken me a long time to get over.  I refuse to find myself in those positions again.

I recently met someone who I connected with, almost immediately, which doesn’t happen often, automatically making the individual stand out in my eyes.  He proper made me laugh and I felt comfortable with him – he was genuinely someone that I would want to chill with on a regular basis.  Neither of us want to be in a relationship right now, but I did want to get to know him better on a friendship level (that is the best foundation after all).  However, it turns out he is just a typical guy and out to waste my time.  I really am sick of that.

I’m not going to lie, sometimes I would like that go-to person I can pick up the phone and chat to, share the good things and the bad, chill with, and share a sense of intimacy, but we can’t have it all.  For some reason, I don’t do well with love and I don’t see it coming my way.  I’ll just spread love in the world instead.

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Special Group of People

Yesterday was my final day on a project encompassing a series of creative sessions and workshops that came to mean a lot more to me than a job and I am going to miss very much.  How I was even able to get this job came as a result of a sequence of events that began with me simply being vocal and putting myself out there, but that is a subject for an entirely different blog post.

I first became acquainted with Mitcham Library last September as a facilitator for the Young People’s Laureate for London Tour, which was a wow moment to say the least, as I stepped into a library atmosphere I had never seen before.  Faced with a group of young people that were unlike any I had ever worked with, I knew that I had to take a particular approach to engage them and get at least some activities done in a workshop.  Fortunately, the approach I took led to me working with a group of young people that were very engaged, despite the number being small – this had to be the case though if we were going to get work done.

I thoroughly enjoyed working with them from the get-go and was given a quick reminder to not judge a book by its cover – these individuals will never be what you expect.  When I was given the opportunity to return to Mitcham Library as part of the tour, I jumped at the chance, as I wanted to follow through on the work I’d started.  I never imagined that I would be offered a long-term job opportunity at the library, but that’s what happened and I am so glad it did.

Not only was I going to get paid for doing what I loved – getting creative and working with young people – but I was going to have the chance to get to know these particular young people more and hopefully have some sort of positive impact in their lives.  I was ready and willing, although I knew it would not be the easiest of tasks and it ended up being one of the most unpredictable projects I have ever worked on.

I have loved it though, more than I can describe, and I was really sad when it came to an end yesterday.  I have genuinely looked forward to going into work every single week, and I missed being there the weeks that I was away – I’m really going to miss going there now that it’s over.  I love these young people, who have had a bigger impact on my life then I think they realise.  They have made me a better person and challenged my mindset even further, while helping me to find an affection for teenagers that replaced the disdain I had from them.

Week on week, I was cracked up with laughter and involved in some seriously interesting conversations.  I was blown away by their intelligence and impressed by the potential seen in most of them, which I hope they are able to tap into.  Slowly, I began to see barriers breaking down and trust being built, which I wish we could build on further, as six months wasn’t enough time to fully engage this group – they only got used to us more recently.

I adore my Mitcham Library Crew – the name affectionately given to the participants of the music workshop – and I was beyond proud of their growth over time, especially those who were brave enough to take to the stage and perform in Wimbledon Library.  They quickly became some of my favourite people, particularly my partner in crime, Conrad.  Everyone had a special part to play, including one girl who never got involved with the any of the music related activities, but would regularly come to simply support her friend – it would not have been the same without her.

And then there was drama, that varied to big groups playing games, to drama activities with four individuals, to in-depth chats with just one young person.  You never knew what you were going to get, but my drama partner, Rachael, and I enjoyed it all the same.  Some of the best conversations were had in those sessions and that is when I was able to develop a deeper understanding with a truly special young man who is going to do great things some day.

Being around all of the library staff was great too, engaging in conversations with them while having their support and expertise.  They were all lovely and greatly encouraging, but I have to give a special mention to the lovely Caprice, who would always chat to me and Rachael as we waited for Drama to begin, and also the wonderful Kurtis for a number of reasons.  Special mention to Sarah and Priyanka too.

Hopefully I’ll be able to do some work in Mitcham Library again, but for now I’ll just have to do with making visits to see the group of people I have come to care about so much.  With determination, learning and support, these young people are going to go on to do great things and make me proud.  I will never forget them.