I Promise

“I promise.”

I hate that phrase.  I despise it, because about 95% of the time, it is pointless, flung out of the mouth of another person probably without them thinking.  In fact, I hate when anyone promises me anything, because it is usually a lie or yet more empty words.

Lies and empty words seem to be points that I am continuously coming back to these days, but unfortunately they are far too common and regularly uttered by individuals.  Why is it so hard to genuinely mean what you say?

Words should measure up with your actions, except that often isn’t the case anymore and I don’t understand why.  It frustrates me, because the words shouldn’t leave your mind if you didn’t mean them in the first place.  I guess it’s my fault though for having some sort of expectation – you shouldn’t expect anything from anyone.  Most have the tendency to let you down.

However, nothing angers me more than people throwing around the word promise and not following through with what they “promised” to do or suddenly switching up on you.  People are way too inconsistent, especially males, and I am freaking tired of it.  Just be who you are, follow through on your words and stop switching up your personality.  I honestly don’t know what to think of some individuals anymore, and I hate that, because then I don’t know how to act around them.

The only promises I can truly trust and believe in are God’s promises, because I know His words are truth.  My God has never switched up on me and I know he never, ever will.  His promises are the only ones that matter and the only ones I can take seriously, because His words have never been empty.

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Staying Quiet

Yesterday, a friend of mine who had not been around for a while asked me why I was so quiet, saying that I used to be the life and soul, or something like that.  Another one of my friends responded by saying that I matured, but I wouldn’t say that’s it, although getting older and slightly wiser may have a minor part to play.

First off, it has a lot to do with me not being the same person I was all those years ago.  I’m more in tune with who I am now, so I don’t feel the need to be overly excited and bubbly to hide my insecurities or attract attention from those around me.  I prefer to sit quietly observing, speaking when I have something to say and receiving attention based on who I genuinely am, rather than the act I put on so you don’t see the real me.

Another reason for my quietness is the state of mind I’m in at the moment.  I’m already someone who doesn’t like speaking for the sake of it, but when I’m going through one of my darker periods, I’ll say fewer words until I feel really convicted to say something.  I don’t want to shut myself off from the world and not give time to the people I love, because that would go against my new mantra, which involves me trying to stay more connected to others and give more of my time, just like my late uncle and grandad.  Nevertheless, I don’t think I’ll be able to be fully happy and chatty when around them – not for now anyway.

To tell you the truth, my mind isn’t really here half of the time and the whole of me is fighting to stay alive.  There are times when I may be quiet, because I’m there in body but not in any way else.  I’ll smile and speak when needed so you wouldn’t know.

And if I’m being perfectly honest, I’m not around that particular group of friends so much any more or I’ve felt shut out from certain sub-groups that have formed, so there are times when I will feel a little uncomfortable or out-of-place.  I also tend to feel like an outsider anyway, so that doesn’t help.

That is why I’m quiet and why I probably always will be quiet – unless I feel passionate about a subject or have something to say.  Talking isn’t something I’m going to be doing a whole lot of anymore.

I Want to Get Away

I want to get away.  I desperately need to get away from here and not return – at least not for a very long time.  I’m falling out of love with the home I once loved so much, the love beginning to turn into disdain and frustration.

I know getting away won’t solve my problems, but at least I’ll be away from some of them and able to start anew.  I just want to forget everything, stop doing everything and basically run away from everything.  Maybe that’s the weak way out, but I actually don’t care.  I’m fed up.  Yeah, I said it, I’m fed up and annoyed and tired.

Frustratingly, I say that I’m tired a lot – psychically, mentally and emotionally – but unfortunately, that is often the case.  I’m also very tired of people and becoming increasingly annoyed by them – it seems that I’m leaning more towards the hate side of my love/hate relationship with people at the moment.  I don’t want to be tired of people, I really don’t, and I want to be nice; but the way I just can’t take people sometimes.  Especially at this time in my life.

Like Lenny Kravitz said, “I want to get away, I want to fly away”.  I want to fly somewhere far and get away from all my responsibilities, relax my mind and heal my heart.  But I guess that ‘s just too much to ask.