Love

A Letter to My Grandad

Grandad,

I can’t believe it’s been a year since you passed, time flies by so fast, yet it still feels surreal.  I don’t see you anymore and you’re not here, buried how many feet down in the ground; but it feels like you should still be here.  Not seeing you feels wrong.

Going to your house, it’s weird not having you greet me at the door with one of your famous lines or watch you slowly descending down the stairs.  It’s sad not seeing you at church on a Sabbath and not hearing from you on my birthday wasn’t nice.  In fact, not being able to tell you happy birthday wasn’t nice either – August is our month and it’s a whole lot emptier without you.

There are times when sitting there thinking about you, suddenly remembering that you’re gone, can bring me to tears.  However, there are times when those thoughts bring a smile to my face, as I remember all the good memories I have of you.  Simple little things I took for granted are no longer the same and I wish I could hear another one of your Burton jokes again – you genuinely did make me laugh.

I still miss you so much grandad, a whole twelve months later, and I still want you to come back.  The pain isn’t so raw, but I don’t think my heart will ever fully recover from having you taken away.  There was still so much more for us to say, so much more time for us to spend together and a whole lot more for me to learn from you.  I keep thinking about the joke you told me about Job’s daughters, which you never finished and I never heard the end of, which saddens me more than I can describe.

Grandad, you were my inspiration and my hero, one of the people I looked up to most in the world.  I just hope I can make you proud and continue your legacy, because you were the most humble, loving, genuinely caring, considerate individual I ever knew.  I can’t wait to see you again.

Love you with all my heart.

Shan-Shan

Love Letter To…

To…

I want you to know how I feel.  I need you to know how I feel, cos its driving me crazy.  Even trying to find the right words is difficult, because I don’t know where to start and I don’t know where the feelings end.  I’m not sure how strong my feelings are, and then when I stop to consider them, I wonder whether they’re even genuine.

However, I think they have to be.  Because there is no reason for me to feel this aching sadness, simply because I don’t know if you feel for me.  There is no need for me to get upset over being unable to tell you how I feel.  I shouldn’t miss you this much or want to talk to you almost everyday.  Why have I sat wondering what’s going on with her or if she is your girlfriend?  In all honesty, I should feel no way about us not being together and just being friends.

I wish it was that easy – that I could lock my feelings away and toss them to the bottom of the sea, never to be felt again.  I don’t want to feel this way about you.  You’re my friend and a close friend at that; losing you does not bear thinking about.  When life feels bad, it’s you I want to talk to.  I want to share my joys with you.  Music is our language; so many songs make me think of you – if you only knew how many songs I’ve sent, loosely trying to let on how I feel about you.

Yet I don’t think its the same on your end – I’m not sure you want to let me in.  Although don’t get me wrong, you’ve shared some beautiful things and I’ve valued our conversations more than you will ever know.  I just don’t think you realise how much I want to be there for you, how much I am there for you, and I want to hear anything you have to say.

You might ask when my feelings for you began, but I honestly have no idea.  I know they’ve been there for a while, but I’ve tried my hardest to ignore or suppress them, to no avail it would seem.  All I know is that you were able to capture my heart with your caring nature, maturity and musical romanticism; your humour, intelligence and wisdom.  Your eyes drew me in to your haunting beauty – beautiful eyes that somehow see beauty in me.

I love the way you see me; I wish I could see myself the same way that you do.  I don’t know if that will ever be the case though, as you see this truly beautiful, strong, amazing woman, which I cannot understand.  But then again, I can tell that you don’t fully see yourself the way I see you.

What makes my feelings for you even more frustrating is that they persist, even when you hurt me last year and left my heart feeling bruised.  You came across like so many others before you and it effected our bond in a way – I put up walls and tried to create some distance, which hasn’t fully gone away.  Yet those feelings are still there and you won’t get at of my head, as sickening as it is.

I want to be close to you and have your arms wrapped around me.  I want to look up into those big, beautiful brown eyes that warm my heart and put a smile on my face.  I want to walk with you hand in hand, talking about our lives.  I want to be able to kiss you, while we listen to the music we love so much.  Simply put, I want to be with you… but I can’t and that’s just the way it is.  You’re out of reach and you most likely don’t feel the same.  That’s just the way my life is and I’m gonna have to deal with that.

However, I had to let you know how I feel, because it was tearing my up inside and I couldn’t take it anymore.  I hope we can stay friends, because I love you with all my heart and I can’t lose you.  You’ve become such a special person in my life and I hope you know that.

Love always,

Shan

Putting My Big Heart to Good Use

Ninety-five per cent of the time, I love people.  I genuinely love them with all my heart – I love spending time with them, engaging in conversation with them and showing them care.  It’s important for me that every person feels loved, cared about and listened to, because it’s horrible when you’re not or don’t feel that you are.  As I’ve said before, I never want anyone to feel the loneliness I feel or as out-of-place as I feel – it’s a horrible feeling to have.

Over the past week, I’ve put that love of people to good use by volunteering at the homeless shelter the religious denomination I’m part of puts on each year.  I’ve wanted to volunteer since it started, but I finally took the time to volunteer this year, which is a natural continuation of the time I’ve spent volunteering at the soup kitchen at the church I attend.

I began to look forward to going the shelter more each day, as I got to know some of the guests through numerous conversations.  It’s nice to watch them getting more and more comfortable with you, feeling able to share their stories and reveal more of themselves.  I personally believe that it is an honour when individuals share their stories with you, as they’re giving you an insight into their lives when you’re a perfect stranger.

However, I also know that some individuals just want the opportunity to have someone to talk to and I’m glad to provide a listening ear.  Sometimes that simple act is all that’s needed to get through to someone or brighten up their day.  After all, God’s given me two ears to listen with and I want to ensure that I’m putting them to good use.

I also want to ensure that I’m putting my big heart to good use, because God’s given it to me for a reason and I don’t want to waste it, especially when so many are in need of love and affection.  I hope that I was able to spread some love, affection and cheer during my short time spent with the guests, which they’ll take with them in the future.

Being a part of the shelter was a really special experience and I’m eager to volunteer when it opens up again at the end of the year – I miss the guests already and it’s only been about a day since I last saw them.  I made some new friends and met some sweet people who have unfortunately ended up in difficult circumstances – I just hope they’re able to find their feet soon and get themselves into some sort of home of their own.  But most of all, I hope that they remember they are more than homeless and each of them are special individuals.

It breaks my heart to think that these individuals have gone from just over a week of warmth, shelter and feeding back into the cold, cruel streets of London.  I wish that there was more I could do to help each and every one of them, so they never have to be homeless again.  No one should ever have to be homeless and hungry, especially in a first world country like the UK.  It sickens and saddens me – we need to do more to put a stop to it.