Love

The Heart is a Funny Thing

The heart is a very funny thing you know.

I could leave it at that, cos that statement sums up pretty much where I’m at right now and where I was at a couple of weeks ago.  In fact, I wanted to write this post a couple of weeks ago, but didn’t get round to it or didn’t feel able to write it.  Now I feel that I need to write it, otherwise I’m going to explode and erupt in tears that will drown me.

It’s already an emotionally-charged time and I’ve been feeling mad emotional all this week, but there are certain things that tip you over the edge and this matter of the heart has done that to me.  It’s mad how you can move forward and think you’ve fully moved on, but there are just these little bits hanging onto your heart and not letting it go so it can fully be free.

I’m not sure whether my heart is ever going to be fully free from two particular people, which I know is unfair for anyone who wants my whole heart, although that’s a concept I think I find pretty strange now, but that’s a post for another time.  All I know is that these two have the ability to get my emotions all jacked up and my heart riled up in a weird place, even though I have moved on and didn’t think I still saw them that way.  That’s why you can’t trust the heart you know – it wants what it wants and has a mind of its own.  I don’t think I’m here for it.

There’s the one I know for sure is no good for me (the devil in disguise), but keeps haunting me like a ghost I can’t shake off, no matter how much I pray about it or write about it – and trust me, I’ve written about it a lot.  And there’s the one who is a big part of my history and still a friend I hold dear, but there is so much depth and so much unwritten, how I could come to feel scares me.

One always manages to keep themselves away (usually intentionally) and one I think I need to keep away (at least from regular interactions and one-on-one conversations).

One brings nothing but foolery to my life, but one brings laughter and stimulating, easy conversation.

One has rarely played a part in my life or been a part of my life, but one has played a major part in my life and been there all my life.

Both have made me smile, driven me crazy, inspired me, impacted me, infuriated me, captivated me, hurt me, and surprised me.

Both have been in my prayers more than I can count, found their way into my poetry and are loved by me always.

Both have a little piece of my heart, where they forever stay, moulded like adamantium to Wolverine’s skeleton.

So here I sit solo, and you can probably see why.  How can I move from one to two when two others still hold a place in my heart, drilling away at my mind?  My heart, with so much to give, is playing so many games on me I may have to sit on the side-lines forever and not let another one in.

Photo by pixel2013

How Can I Stay Silent?

I don’t know how this post is gonna turn out, because I fully don’t have the words I want to say yet. They’re just going to come to me as I type and let my heart come spilling out, because my heart is beyond full right now and my emotions are heightened, but in the best possible way. All I know is that I can’t keep silent. How can I keep silent? Especially in this time of so much madness and sadness, hope and happiness need to be shared.

I cannot stop smiling and the happiest of tears are coming to my eyes. It really is a beautiful day and I could not thank God anymore for it. I’m trying to say all I want about Him right now, but it’s coming out in some mad jumble because I am so overwhelmed. My brain won’t stop jumping around and I can’t contain the joy I feel.

God has granted me much more than I deserve, showing me grace, favour, mercy and love, time after time after time. He’s forgiven me, been patient with me through all my transgressions, supported me through my crazy and never, ever given up on me. I’m still a work in progress, but He’s okay with that and I know He’s got my back forever.

In the stillness, I’ve been able to reflect, meditate and spend some good time in prayer, which led to me learning and figuring out a whole lot about myself. A whole lot that needed fixing and facing up to, despite how ugly and difficult it was. But I’m beyond better for it now. A weight has been lifted, shackles have been loosed and my heart is finally healing fully.

I am not my past or insecurity or stupid mistakes. I am so much more than I ever thought I was, because I am a child of God who is forever loved, blessed and favoured. And because He loves me, I am valued, validated, beautiful, cared for and good enough. Through God, I am an overcomer, more than a conqueror, strong, kind, resilient, bold and so much more. There is potential and power in me I haven’t even reached yet, but He knows and is already setting the plans in motion.

Through my reflections, I knew that one of the things I had to do was reach out and apologise to a friend I have a loaded history with, because I hadn’t done that despite the many years that had passed. I was anxious and afraid, worried that it would ruin our friendship or that he’d take the words the wrong way, but God used that apology to pave the way for a conversation we’d needed to have for so long. We were able to clear the air, be fully honest, listen to each other, forgive each other and put the building blocks in place for a stronger, better, healthier and more fulfilling relationship. I couldn’t be more thankful for that – God’s timing is always best.

So today, I’m not keeping silent, even though I may be rambling a little. There is so much more of my story to come, but for now, I’m so blessed to be living in grace and basking in the love my God has shone on me. This song says it all.

They Taught Me More Than They’ll Ever Know

I couldn’t write about the people who played a special part in my 2018 without writing about Queen’s Gardens.  I spent a significant portion of my time in Queen’s over spring and summer, bringing me into contact with a number of people who I continue to love, in spite of what may have passed between some of us.

Queen’s is one of the strangest and most interesting places in Croydon, because of the mixture of characters you will find there, and also because of what takes place there.  It is kind of like a bubble, a community within a community, which you come to realise the deeper you ingratiate yourself with the people there.  I learnt a lot – good, bad and useful – which I will definitely be taking forward in my life.

I’ve developed relationships with some beautiful people, who I happily speak to and spend time with whenever I see them.  Due to some of their lifestyles, I won’t be using their “government” names or naming them at all.  If they were to read this, I’d hope they know who they are though.

I’ve known my Jamesy-James for a couple of years now, and he’s always been someone I find easy to talk to, although I can’t put my finger on why.  I guess he’s a great listener, and is definitely an all round lovely person.  I’m always excited to see him.  I’ve known and been friends with Gamma for a couple of years too, but I got to know him a lot more this year.  Gamma always finds a way to make me laugh, and I’ll never forget when he had me cracking up when we were hanging out in the summer one time.  I also love that he calls me ‘Poetry Queen’ – just saying.

Win is a really, really lovely human being.  He’s easy to get on with, easy to talk to and easy to be around.  We got on immediately, from the moment we met in summer.  After not seeing him for a few months, it was nice to bump into him randomly, spend some time chatting on a walk and then go to Kaspas.  Whenever I’m with him, I know I’ll always be looked after and treated right.  And you’ve got Frankie, who I first met in spring, but quickly warmed up to and also got on well with – he looks out for me too.

I saw more of a beautiful lady I met last year, who is always warm and quick to greet me.  When I ask her how she is, I love the response she gives, which is such a mouthful that I cannot remember it all.  I also met a young woman this year, who I found sweet, despite being very rough around the edges.  She is always quick to greet me too and ready for a little conversation.

After meeting him at the soup kitchen the church I attend puts on, I came to see more of this ball of energy at Queen’s during the summer months – let’s call him My Darlin.  Like I mentioned, My Darlin is a ball of energy, talking quickly, walking quickly and often on the move.  He is truly lovely, with a heart of gold and caring nature.  He’s always got a story to tell too, which can often be amusing.

There are so many others I could mention, including a kind-hearted sweetie who made me feel like family, and a group of Eritreans, including a beauty who brings me joy with his beautiful, bright smile and shining eyes.  However, I came to spend quite a lot of my time with a particular group, who will always have a place in my heart (some of them have a special place).  No matter what has gone down with them, I want the best for all of them and I will always keep them in my prayers.  I don’t think they realise the impact they have had on my life and how much I have learnt from them.

Through one member of this group, I came to meet a genuine, down-to-earth, lovely person, who is studying youth work (I think he’s going to be a great youth worker), and I could have proper conversations with.  I have time for him any day.

However, it was the one who introduced us that has probably had one of the largest impacts on me this year – we’ll call him my Knight (in Shining Armour).  Out of everyone from Queen’s, I think I ended up spending the most amount of time with my Knight.  I initially met him last year, but we didn’t really speak, which all changed this spring.  Somehow, we began to talk more and more, as we became properly comfortable with each other.  The conversation flowed and we got to know each other better, which was made easier by his raw honesty.

Like people I tend to get on with best, he made me laugh, although sometimes he would joke around too much.  He looked out for me, like many of the people in Queen’s would do, but he went above and beyond in some ways by being very protective – not in a creepy way though.  However, what I think most stands out about my Knight is the sense of calm he would bring me, especially when I would get stressy over the actions of certain individuals – it was funny how much he would come up with sensible things my sister would probably say.  He’s got a really good heart as well.

As strange as Queen’s can be, meeting people from there has made me a better, more resilient person and more streetwise person.  I don’t think they even realise how much I love all of them.