Love

Staying Quiet

Yesterday, a friend of mine who had not been around for a while asked me why I was so quiet, saying that I used to be the life and soul, or something like that.  Another one of my friends responded by saying that I matured, but I wouldn’t say that’s it, although getting older and slightly wiser may have a minor part to play.

First off, it has a lot to do with me not being the same person I was all those years ago.  I’m more in tune with who I am now, so I don’t feel the need to be overly excited and bubbly to hide my insecurities or attract attention from those around me.  I prefer to sit quietly observing, speaking when I have something to say and receiving attention based on who I genuinely am, rather than the act I put on so you don’t see the real me.

Another reason for my quietness is the state of mind I’m in at the moment.  I’m already someone who doesn’t like speaking for the sake of it, but when I’m going through one of my darker periods, I’ll say fewer words until I feel really convicted to say something.  I don’t want to shut myself off from the world and not give time to the people I love, because that would go against my new mantra, which involves me trying to stay more connected to others and give more of my time, just like my late uncle and grandad.  Nevertheless, I don’t think I’ll be able to be fully happy and chatty when around them – not for now anyway.

To tell you the truth, my mind isn’t really here half of the time and the whole of me is fighting to stay alive.  There are times when I may be quiet, because I’m there in body but not in any way else.  I’ll smile and speak when needed so you wouldn’t know.

And if I’m being perfectly honest, I’m not around that particular group of friends so much any more or I’ve felt shut out from certain sub-groups that have formed, so there are times when I will feel a little uncomfortable or out-of-place.  I also tend to feel like an outsider anyway, so that doesn’t help.

That is why I’m quiet and why I probably always will be quiet – unless I feel passionate about a subject or have something to say.  Talking isn’t something I’m going to be doing a whole lot of anymore.

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Disbelief in Fairy Tales & Love

I’ve always been a sucker for fairy tales – the Disney fairy tales, not the twisted ones in the books.  I loved the happy endings and watching two people fall in love.  I desperately wanted that – the happy ending and to fall in love with the one.

I dreamed, and dreamed, and dreamed of getting married.  Getting my perfect ring, wearing a beautiful white dress, walking down the aisle with my bouquet, my bridesmaids in their pink or red dresses, seeing my husband’s smiling face, the reception, the whole works.  I then dreamed of the happy life with my husband, where we had our own beautiful family.  Yet dreams come crashing down and fairy tales are just that – they’re tales, nothing real.

I don’t believe in happy endings or love anymore – at least not for me.  I don’t believe that I will ever find the one or get married.  It’s looking like I’m destined for the eternal single life, allowing me to focus solely on my work and changing the world, until I decide I’m ready to foster children.  That’s right, I’ve given up on having children of my own too, because why should I want to bring a child into a world I despise and don’t want to be living in myself.

I’ve tried to hold on to hope and believe that love will happen for me – and I mean proper reciprocated love – but I genuinely do not believe it exists.  I’ve given up all hope, but that’s alright, because God is with me and He is the love of my life.  You have to understand that I’ve tried, but my last involvement with someone was the last straw.

I was stupid.  Yet again, making dumb mistakes I know I shouldn’t have made.  Retracted on myself and did what I said I wouldn’t do.  I let myself get attached, allowed myself to actually like him, when I said I would do neither of these things.  I didn’t want to do either of these things; I didn’t intend to do either of these things; but I did and I know I’m paying the price for that.

Although he said he was different (one of the first of his many empty words), he turned out to be just like the rest.  Wanting to rush into things, not wanting to properly date, spewing empty words and promises like word vomit, working his magic and getting me to like him before doing a disappearing act.  He acted like a boy, even though he thinks he’s a man, and I continued to make excuses for him.  I mean, how stupid was I?  But no more.

I want to be there for him, not give up on him, give him unconditional support.  Because whether I like it or not, he’s in my heart and I don’t think that is going to change anytime soon.  However, I’m not sure if I can do it without having feelings get in the way.  I guess I’m just going to have to pray for him from afar, because his presence in my life is becoming toxic and I don’t need that.  I’m already suffocating and struggling to hold on to any breath I have left.

But I guess that’s life.  People come and people go.  People hurt you and break your hurt.  People act as lessons, and it’s painful, but it will get better eventually.  At least that’s what I have to believe and tell myself to stay sane.  What I do know, is that I should have stuck to my guns, closed off my heart and not allowed myself to get feelings, which is now going to be the case going forward.  I don’t intend to have feelings for anyone ever again – I hate feelings anyway.

I’m not a naive little girl anymore.  I can see that certain people are only in your life for a season, that marriage is not a definite and Disney fairy tales are simply entertainment, filling your head with false ideals that are unlikely to ever come true.  And to you Mr Charming, thanks for bringing me back to reality.

Love Letter to TCFT

To TCFT,

I was a shell when I met you,

Waiting to be cracked open,

Released,

Set free into the world.

Closing myself off,

Not seeing my potential,

Believing I was good enough

Or able to reach my dreams.

Fearful of everything –

Rejection,

Being vulnerable,

Isolation,

Looking a fool;

But with you,

I cracked open,

Potential spilling out,

Fears released;

You taught me how to fly.

A confidence began to grow,

A confidence I never knew I had,

Breaking out of my comfort zone,

But feeling comfortable,

The good replacing the bad.

A place where I could be vulnerable,

Reveal the inner me,

Act a little weirdly,

Laugh loudly,

Or openly express my grief.

Learning how to fly

Just scratches the surface

Of what you mean to me

TCFT,

I never imagined two years ago

In Bosnia,

I’d have another huge family;

Like a lamb thrown to the wolves,

I didn’t know where to turn,

But I was adopted in,

Joined the pack,

Found a home away from home.

The love I feel is like no other,

Support beyond compare,

Hugs, kisses, kind words

Around every corner,

Bright smiles

And touches of care.

It started with my house sisters,

Nomes and Ellie,

Who shared a room with me;

Then Filip and Rory made me feel part of the pack,

Voice-noting the sister who means the world to me.

The care shown by Mikica and Robert,

Nevena and Ljubiša when I felt anaemic,

Bonding over dinner with Nina and Marko,

Sitting down to talk with Sandra.

Also having a heart-to-heart with Naomi,

A never-ending handshake with Miguel,

Chatting for hours with Saaf,

Dancing with Saša.

Thank you Tina for being my constant champion,

Thank you Darren for your thoughtful advice,

Thank you Mary for coming down to Croydon

And filming my poetry night.

I love you Francesco for being so full of life,

I love you Ismir for your beautiful smile,

I love you Luka for being so cute and sweet,

I love you Carina for your kind heart.

The list is endless,

I could go on for hours,

You’ve all touched my life in some way;

We’re family,

You’re in my heart,

Forever there you’ll stay.

You’ve given me a place to belong,

Which I never thought I’d find,

You gave me a gift

And so much more to write;

An answer to a prayer

I had no idea I prayed.

So this letter is to you TCFT,

My life-changer,

A gift from God,

My family;

I love you with all my heart

And always will.

Love

Shaniqua, Shefika, Shani