Finally Able to Write

There’s been so much I’ve wanted to say, so many thoughts I’ve needed to express, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to write anything down.  Over the past month, I’ve found myself in a depressive state, where the world felt dark, I felt broken and what I loved doing most in the world no longer brought me joy or relief.

Writing is connected to my emotions, so if my emotions are out of whack, then I find myself unable to write.  However, I am usually able to write about my feelings, but I wasn’t even able to do that over this month.  For some reason, writing felt futile and my words did not seem like enough — they would not fix the pain I felt or make me feel any better about myself.

Losing my grandad has brought me more pain than I ever imagined and I feel like a part of my heart is now missing, buried deep in the ground with my grandad.  Not having his presence in my life is proving a lot to get used to, especially as I find myself doubting my own being.

I’ve not only found myself grieving over my grandad, but I’ve also lost a lot of belief in myself and begun doubting everything I set out to do.  Again, I thought of myself as not good enough, not capable, not up to the standards I set for myself.

I was tired of the world, ready to give up hope and isolate myself from everyone.  I didn’t want to interact with the people in my life, I didn’t want to see anyone and there was no way I was leaving my house unless I was going to work.  I simply wanted to be alone, because you can’t be hurt or let down that way, but that isolation just brought me more sadness.

As the dark cloud started to lift and people began saying things that seemed to relate to my situation, I saw that I couldn’t just give up because things weren’t going positively or the way that I wanted them to.  I refuse to be the person who walks away at the sign of failure, otherwise I’ll never be a success.

It’s not been easy and I know it’s not going to get any easier — it’s been a struggle adjusting back to reality and the thought of getting back out there is still daunting for me.  And last Friday, when I wrote for the first time since my grandad’s death, I found myself feeling strangely fearful, as if the right words wouldn’t come to me or as if I’d lost my writing mojo.  Yet once I did it, I felt good and realised that like most times, I had nothing to fear.

To sum it up, I’m a mess who’s trying to fight through and allow myself to be fixed by the God I love and trust.  However, I need to keep reminding myself of why I’m doing what I’m doing and not allow myself to give up, in spite of the failures, dark days, hurt and pain.  I just want to be the woman God intends for me to be and make my grandad proud, because I know he wanted the best for me.

My Top 5 Moments of 2015

It’s coming to the end of the year, which is always a time of relection for me, so I’ve decided to bring back ‘My Top 5’ to count down some of my favourite moments from 2015.  God has blessed me immensely this year and I’ve seen Him do a whole lot of amazing things in my life, which has made most of these moments possible.  So come on, let’s get into my Top 5 Moments of 2015, which aren’t in any particular order by the way.


5. Sweet Home Alabama

In April, my sister and I had the pleasure of flying out to the beautiful city of Huntsville, Alabama to spend time with our beautiful family.  Although there’s no place like home, I was in need of an escape and I was happy to spend three weeks in what I now affectionately call ‘Sweet Home Alabama’.  I loved the food, I loved the scenery, I loved the shopping, I loved my room and I loved getting to meet new people.  Spending time with my family was great, especially getting to watch my cousin Kaleem graduate after not seeing him in 10 years, and I loved the new friends I made.  Shout out to my girl Britney!


4. March Madness

March Madness will always be one of my favourite times of the year.  However, this year felt particularly special to me and I got into it more than ever before.  I watched every game that I possibly could, kept up to date with all of the excitement and upsets, and fell in love with numerous players.  It was the end of the college basketball tournament in April that most excited me though, as I watched both my men and women’s teams lift the National Championship trophy.  Tyus Jones made it a lot of fun as he led Duke to victory, while it was great to watch coach Geno Auriemma make history as the UConn ladies won their 10th National Championship.


3. The Complete Freedom of Truth

In August, I flew out of the country again, this time to Bosnia as part of ‘The Complete Freedom of Truth’, a five-year youth project, which aims to use art and culture for social change.  It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life, which enabled me to develop my confidence, embrace my love of writing and gain some life skills.  Yet what made this experience truly special were the beautiful people that I fell in love with and helped me feel like I truly fit in.  My house sisters Ellie, Naomi and Amy; the wonderfully caring Tina, Robert, Alex, Mikica and Nevena; my dinner buddies Marko and Nina; my girls Julia, Izzy and Jessie; and my boys Filip, Rory, Ljubiša and Nemanja.  There are also many others, but this whole blog would simply be made up of their names.


2. My First Paid Writing Gig

It’s no secret that I’m a writer, so I was ecstatic when I landed my first paid writing gig this year!  I’d been writing pieces for Just Croydon on and off over the past year, so you can imagine my joy when the beautiful boys behind Just Croydon offered to pay me to write regular articles.  I just had to thank God, because I know that He opened this door for me and showed me how patience and perseverance pays off.  It also shows the importance of being willing to give your free time and showing generosity to others, as you never know what opportunities may come your way.


1. ‘What Would You Say?’

Of course, making my short film with Fixers had to be one of my Top 5 moments, as it was a truly special experience that will help to propel some of my future plans.  I was extremely happy to launch ‘What Would You Say?’ earlier this month, as I was finally able to show the film to others and also hear what they had to say.  The feedback was better than I could have ever anticipated, the level of support shown was brilliant and the discussions that took place during the launch gave me great hope going forward.  And if you haven’t had a chance to watch the film yet, why not watch it now?

There were a number of other great moments from this year, like finally landing a job, celebrating another birthday, and studying the Gospels in the Bible, which I’m loving and learning so much from.  I already know that 2016 is going to bring a whole load of great moments and exciting things for me, which I’m looking forward to.  So tell me, what were some of your top moments in 2015?

My Short Film

As you may know, I’m passionate about young people and young people being the change they want to see in the world.  In fact, I want young people to use their voices, particularly through writing, to make themselves heard and start making those changes.

What you may not know, is that I recently made a short film with a charity called Fixers, which uses media to help young people ‘fix’ something in their community.  We thought that spoken word would be a powerful tool, so I wrote a spoken word piece (with a couple of lines added by my girl Britney), which became the script for the film.  This was actually the first time I wrote a spoken word piece, but as you know, I’m now all about writing poetry.

The film was shot in my beloved hometown of Croydon and I had some great young people reading the script — four of them just happened to be my friends and family (shout out to the beautiful Jemel, Rhianna, Nahed and Naomi).

When I eventually saw the film, I was so happy that I cried and I couldn’t wait to show it to everyone.  I had a launch for the film last Monday and it went live on YouTube the same day, giving everybody the opportunity to watch it.

But of course, I wanted to write a little something and share it with all of you, the community of bloggers who I love so much.  So below is the film and I hope you like it.  This is ‘What Would You Say?’