Write

A Much Needed Release

I really want to write something today.  In fact, I feel like I need to write something today.  I guess that there are a lot of pent-up feelings inside that need to be released and my beloved writing is my best outlet for that.

There are a number of things going on in my mind these days – more than I even want or would care to mention.  Sometimes they keep me from sleeping, sometimes they make me feel sad, and sometimes they simply remind me of a worse time.  That is one of the last things I want.

In all honesty, it is mostly my crowdfunding campaign that is occupying my thoughts and draining my energy little by little.  I desperately want it to succeed and reach as many individuals as possible, but man is it hard work.  I knew it was going to be hard, but I could never have imagined just how difficult this task would be.  I’m putting it in God’s hands though and I know that with Him I will succeed – I mean, with God for me who can be against me.

I’m finding myself thinking about my late grandad and aunty a lot recently as well and I’m not sure why.  All I know is that I keep thinking about when I lost them or their funerals or how much I miss them, and it hurts my heart.  Tears spring to my eyes and emotion builds up inside of me, knowing that I have to live the rest of my life without them.  I don’t think I’ll ever fully get past that.

Then there is a situation with a certain friend of mine, which has been causing me a lot of frustration and sometimes upset.  Certain things need to be raised with him, but I don’t know how to do it and I don’t want to cause any unnecessary unrest in his life.  I keep putting it off, even though I know the conversation needs to be had and the whole situation has been bothering me without his knowledge.  I hate rocking the boat, but I don’t like unresolved issues in my relationships with those I am close to, especially when it makes me start feeling like a fake.  I also can’t have situations negatively effecting my emotional wellbeing and not doing anything about it, because that’s not healthy.  I just need to somehow have this conversation.

And then there is a certain someone who has made a surprise reappearance in my life and wants to pick up where they left off, but cannot be relied upon or trusted.  I’ve been here before with them and they’ve completely left my life, without warning or explanation.  I know this could easily happen again, which is why I don’t want any attachment to form, but this person unfortunately always finds a way of getting into my head and I hate it.  I am planning to keep my distance though and let them talk to me when they want, because I refuse to repeat the mistakes of my past and feel hurt, rejection and confusion.  I’m done with all of that.

There are many more things on my mind, but like I said, I don’t want or care to mention them all.  I’ve expressed what I’ve wanted to express, which feels like a burden lifted, although my head is still throbbing a little.  I think I just need a holiday.

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Weeping, Grieving, Bottling

It’s not surprising that the last week has been tough.  The death of my aunty has cut me and left me in a state of disbelief, while also dragging up the grief I’ve been feeling for my grandad.  I especially miss my grandad now, because I know he’d be a loving source of support during my time of sadness and he would have had something lovely to say that would bring me comfort.  Not having that makes this shock a little bit harder.

I’ve done my best to keep going with everything and carry out the duties in my daily lives efficiently, but the pain inside has been difficult to bear at times.  Again, my heart is breaking and I am powerless to stop it, but I know that it will heal with time – I’ve just got to let the grieving process take its course.

Again, the grieving process has lessened my will and at times ability to write.  There have been times when I’ve been struggling and had a whole lot to say, but I couldn’t bring myself to write any of the words or feelings down.  However, there have also been situations when the time has gotten away from me and I haven’t actually been able to write all that I wanted so say, leading to some of my innermost feelings staying bottled up.

In fact, they’ve been bottled up to the point where I want to explode and simply scream out in frustration.  You might say that I should take the time to talk to someone, but that is easier said than done for me.  Although I have some lovely people in my life who would take the time to listen, I cannot bring myself to express all my feelings to them, because it simply doesn’t feel right.  If I want to express myself to someone, it needs to come naturally and I need to have that special connection with them that doesn’t need to be forced – it’s just there.

I’ve found myself feeling incredibly lonely this past week, not being able to talk to any of the people in my life and not knowing who to turn to.  I miss my counsellor more than ever and I wish that I was able to speak to her during this difficult time in my life – I could really use that space where I felt comfortable enough to let my walls down and let my vulnerability show.  Speaking to someone else simply wouldn’t have that same impact.

The feeling of grief and loneliness have also worsened my many insecurities, which don’t seem to go away.  My low self-esteem and dislike of my physical appearance has reared its ugly head, as I look in the mirror or down at my body and despise what I see.  In my opinion, there is so much about my physical appearance that is wrong, making it no surprise that guys don’t want to be with me, because I’ll always be the ugly one standing next to my sister and my friends.

Nevertheless, God has been with me through it all and I don’t where I would be without him, because there is no way I could handle all of this on my own.  I’ve been able to cry out a little to Him, He’s been there as the fountain of tears fall, He’s provided comfort through His word and praising Him with music has been a way of putting a smile on my face, sometimes through the tears.

I may be in the storm now, but even though weeping endures for a night, joy comes in the morning.

Strange People

I’ve found myself unable to write recently, for a number of different reasons, mainly because I’ve extremely busy or I’ve had no idea about what to write.

However, I’ve found myself able to write today and I’m happy about that, because it gives me the opportunity to offload some of my burdens and get some things off my chest.

What I have to say is why are people so strange?  And I don’t mean strange in a good way, which I love, but strange in a bad way that I find really off-putting.

I’ve found that there are too many people in my life behaving in a strange way, which I cannot stand.  Why do certain people stop talking to you for no apparent reason and why do some just treat you carelessly without giving it a second thought?

I love people, but it is times like these when I really don’t like people.  They have a tendency to walk all over my kindness, which is why I prefer to push people away before they get too close.  Sometimes I think it’s just easier to ride solo forever.