Over the past few days I’ve cried tears, so many tears, filled with different emotions and feelings. I’ve cried tears of anger, tears of annoyance, tears of hurt and tears of things I cannot even explain.
You see, I’m someone who doesn’t like to let others see my feelings, which includes seeing me cry. I’d prefer to hide those feelings or subconsciously repress them, because I don’t want to let my guard down. I don’t want others to see me vulnerable or think me weak.
As someone who is usually sweet, kind and finds it hard to say no, I am already an easy target for others and someone they can walk over. So letting them see me upset, angry or in fits of tears puts me in a worse position, as I believe that they will now see me as weak.
I’m an individual trying my hardest to stay strong in a world that seems to love tearing me down, so of course I want to put up a strong front. Letting others think I’m weak is the last thing I want.
However, bottling up those feelings isn’t a good thing and keeping them under wraps can feel like a heavy weight dragging me down, but telling someone isn’t always an option for me, so I release hurt and frustrations behind closed doors.
I will cry streams of tears, I might throw things and I’ll pour my heart out to God, because I know He’s always listening without passing judgement and He won’t get tired of hearing the same things again and again.
Sometimes I don’t like that I cry so much and that I get over emotional, but it’s my way of release and it prevents me from lashing out more at others. I’d also rather cry until my head hurts or my eyes are sore as a way of dealing with my struggles, instead of taking a knife to my skin and cutting myself.
It’s very rare that I’ve let others see me cry and it will continue to be a rarity, as I don’t want to give others the satisfaction, but I do want to work on letting my guard down and letting my feelings come naturally, especially for when that guy I love comes along. Like I always say though, I’m still a work in progress.