Weeping, Grieving, Bottling

It’s not surprising that the last week has been tough.  The death of my aunty has cut me and left me in a state of disbelief, while also dragging up the grief I’ve been feeling for my grandad.  I especially miss my grandad now, because I know he’d be a loving source of support during my time of sadness and he would have had something lovely to say that would bring me comfort.  Not having that makes this shock a little bit harder.

I’ve done my best to keep going with everything and carry out the duties in my daily lives efficiently, but the pain inside has been difficult to bear at times.  Again, my heart is breaking and I am powerless to stop it, but I know that it will heal with time – I’ve just got to let the grieving process take its course.

Again, the grieving process has lessened my will and at times ability to write.  There have been times when I’ve been struggling and had a whole lot to say, but I couldn’t bring myself to write any of the words or feelings down.  However, there have also been situations when the time has gotten away from me and I haven’t actually been able to write all that I wanted so say, leading to some of my innermost feelings staying bottled up.

In fact, they’ve been bottled up to the point where I want to explode and simply scream out in frustration.  You might say that I should take the time to talk to someone, but that is easier said than done for me.  Although I have some lovely people in my life who would take the time to listen, I cannot bring myself to express all my feelings to them, because it simply doesn’t feel right.  If I want to express myself to someone, it needs to come naturally and I need to have that special connection with them that doesn’t need to be forced – it’s just there.

I’ve found myself feeling incredibly lonely this past week, not being able to talk to any of the people in my life and not knowing who to turn to.  I miss my counsellor more than ever and I wish that I was able to speak to her during this difficult time in my life – I could really use that space where I felt comfortable enough to let my walls down and let my vulnerability show.  Speaking to someone else simply wouldn’t have that same impact.

The feeling of grief and loneliness have also worsened my many insecurities, which don’t seem to go away.  My low self-esteem and dislike of my physical appearance has reared its ugly head, as I look in the mirror or down at my body and despise what I see.  In my opinion, there is so much about my physical appearance that is wrong, making it no surprise that guys don’t want to be with me, because I’ll always be the ugly one standing next to my sister and my friends.

Nevertheless, God has been with me through it all and I don’t where I would be without him, because there is no way I could handle all of this on my own.  I’ve been able to cry out a little to Him, He’s been there as the fountain of tears fall, He’s provided comfort through His word and praising Him with music has been a way of putting a smile on my face, sometimes through the tears.

I may be in the storm now, but even though weeping endures for a night, joy comes in the morning.


Release Through Tears

Over the past few days I’ve cried tears, so many tears, filled with different emotions and feelings.  I’ve cried tears of anger, tears of annoyance, tears of hurt and tears of things I cannot even explain.

You see, I’m someone who doesn’t like to let others see my feelings, which includes seeing me cry.  I’d prefer to hide those feelings or subconsciously repress them, because I don’t want to let my guard down.  I don’t want others to see me vulnerable or think me weak.

As someone who is usually sweet, kind and finds it hard to say no, I am already an easy target for others and someone they can walk over.  So letting them see me upset, angry or in fits of tears puts me in a worse position, as I believe that they will now see me as weak.

I’m an individual trying my hardest to stay strong in a world that seems to love tearing me down, so of course I want to put up a strong front.  Letting others think I’m weak is the last thing I want.

However, bottling up those feelings isn’t a good thing and keeping them under wraps can feel like a heavy weight dragging me down, but telling someone isn’t always an option for me, so I release hurt and frustrations behind closed doors.

I will cry streams of tears, I might throw things and I’ll pour my heart out to God, because I know He’s always listening without passing judgement and He won’t get tired of hearing the same things again and again.

Sometimes I don’t like that I cry so much and that I get over emotional, but it’s my way of release and it prevents me from lashing out more at others.  I’d also rather cry until my head hurts or my eyes are sore as a way of dealing with my struggles, instead of taking a knife to my skin and cutting myself.

It’s very rare that I’ve let others see me cry and it will continue to be a rarity, as I don’t want to give others the satisfaction, but I do want to work on letting my guard down and letting my feelings come naturally, especially for when that guy I love comes along.  Like I always say though, I’m still a work in progress.