Value

See What They See

After speaking to my wonderful friend Ellie, I was inspired to write this poem:

Amazing, beautiful, special

Is what they see,

Looking at me with a loving gaze;

I wish I could see what they see.

Lacking confidence,

Self-esteem,

Not loving my face,

Hating my body.

Not worth worrying about,

A plump basic girl,

That’s how I see myself

Without a doubt.

I wish I thought better,

But I don’t,

Struggling to value myself

As much as others,

I think I missed that boat.

We were so alike

It’s funny when you’re a young child and have a one-dimensional view on life. You are still growing up, learning and developing relationships.  You might have a series of arguments with someone or see them as your enemy, and then think that you’ll dislike that person forever.  However, a lot can change as you grow up.

This was the case for me and one of my friends.  We did not get on at all for a long time, instead choosing to fight over another one of our friends, who just happened to be my best friend at the time.  Due to our arguments and mutual dislike of each other, I never thought that we would be friends, but we were eventually able to resolve our differences and strike up  a close friendship. In a funny way, it was the friend we were fighting over who actually led to us becoming friends.

We were alike in so many ways and our taste in boys was uncanny.  It was very likely that we would like the same boy at the same time, but we didn’t spend time fighting over them, although she believes that we did have a disagreement over one guy.  We’d spend a lot of time talking and joking and she actually became one of my best friends over time.

Although we did not remain best friends, she continues to be one of the people that I truly value in my life.  I won’t see her for a long time, but once we’re together, things are just the same as they always were.  I alway know what kind of friendship I’m getting with her and she is one of the people who always manages to make me feel included and comfortable.  She is also one of the funniest, weirdest and wackiest individuals I know, which is probably one of the main reasons why she is my friend.

Some of my best memories have been spent with her and a group of our other closest friends, as we always have a lot of fun when we get together.  I will never forget her mad and funny antics on my 16th, 18th and 20th birthdays, her borrowing my clothes and returning them weekes later and the many boy talks we had together, especially about the lovely Italian boy we both liked (she should know exactly who I’m talking about).

I not only miss time spent with her, but also the time that we spent with all our friends, creating all those great memories.  I love my crazy friend so much and now that I write this, I can see just how much she matters to me.  I have a feeling that we’ll be having boy talks for a very long time.

Breaking My Heart

The way you no longer care about me is breaking my heart.

We were supposed to be friends, we were supposed to be close, we were supposed to have a genuine connection.

When I first met you, we instantly clicked and for me, that doesn’t happen with many people.  We got on great from the start, we were comfortable around each other and we could talk like we’d been friends for ages.  In spite of the age difference, I thought this is someone that I can definitely have a close friendship with.

And a close friend is what you became as we spent more time together.  I actually found myself being able to confide in someone else, after the decline of two of my closest friendships.  You were one of the few people who I confided in and let into my heart, but I won’t be making that mistake again.

You don’t check up on me, you don’t take any notice of me and it’s like you have little interest in talking to me.  You don’t miss me anymore, you no longer want to see me and you are making no effort to meet up.  It feels like you are constantly lying or that the kind words you spoke were lies in the first place.

I just don’t know why you felt the need to say those amazing, sweet things, because I did not ask to hear them and I would feel a lot better if I had never heard them.  I simply don’t understand how you could seem to care so much and truly value me in your life, but then drop me and stop caring at the drop of a hat.  I’m wondering if our friendship ever meant anything to you at all.

You’ve left me heartbroken and that is causing me so much pain, so I am leaving you behind and cutting you out, because I cannot take anymore.  You don’t have to worry, as I’m done trying and I’ve closed the door on you.  I will never stop caring about you or loving you, but I have to do this for me, because you are breaking my heart.