Up and Down

The past week has been a real mixture of feeling up and down.  I’ve been happy, I’ve been excited, I’ve been thriving, but then I’ve been depressed, upset and annoyed.

I’ve found myself questioning the people around me, wondering whether I truly belong in the different family units I’m a part of and worrying about my job.  I feel uncomfortable in the places where I once felt comfortable and prefer to be alone (or with my sister), not usually speaking to anyone.

Seeing my granddad ill cuts me deep, as I just want him to be okay again and hear him speaking to me.  I want to hear one of his silly jokes or listen to one of his stories about his childhood.

However, I’m happy about some funding I’ve secured and about my interview with East London Lines.  I’m thankful for having a home and money in my account when so many others don’t.  I’m glad that I have a job, which I not only enjoy, but is also close to my house.  I’m happy that I have a sister who I love very much, and who is also my best friend.

But more than anything, I’m thankful for the God I serve who continues to support me and reassure me, even when I find myself constantly worried.  I know He will never let me down and He keeps me from going under into that dark place, which is hard to get out of once I’m in it.  Knowing that I have Him and His promises keeps me up when there is so much that gets me down.

Being Called Stupid

One thing I hate is being called stupid.  It genuinely upsets me and it actually hurts, which people do not seem to realise.

I am a patient person and I take a lot of crap from people, smiling in the face of their foolishness and responding to them in a jokey-y way, even though I am very serious about what I’ve said.

I am a naturally sweet person, but calling me stupid will bring out the cold and sometimes aggressive side of me that I prefer to keep under wraps.  It is especially worse when those close to me call me stupid, because I would not expect them to refer to me in that way.

My reaction to being called stupid is a slight reflection on myself, because I think that I can act very stupid on occasion and there are times when I have thought of myself as stupid.  Although I know that I’m not stupid, I continue to struggle with the feeling that I am, which is definitely something that I need to get past.  I think I have just encountered so many people who have treated me in a certain way, because they saw me as a stupid girl.

Being called stupid goes alongside my feelings of not being good enough and seeing myself as the problem, which I am doing my best to get away from.  However, when that word is directed at me, I think that those feelings rise up somewhere within me and subconsciously affect my emotions.

This is always something that will bother me, but it truly hurts me and gets under my skin if the people that I love say it to me, because I seriously do not like it.  So whatever you do, don’t call me stupid.

Upsetting My Spirit

Today I was all set to write about the lovely brownies that I finally baked and show you a picture, but now I am far from being in the mood.  I am upset, I am annoyed, I am agitated and I am verging on furious.

I was having a nice today and I was actually feeling really happy, with a big smile lighting up my face, but something has come along to upset my spirit.  I am so annoyed right now that I can actually feel hot tears welling up in my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall.

A call came in just a little while ago that messed up my plans, as a set of people try to dictate my life, which I do not appreciate.  Only God has control over my life, so no one has a right to say what I should do and when, especially when I already have plans set in motion.

This particular organisation has upset my spirits before, but this time has been made worse by a particular female annoying me prior to that, the infuriating behaviour of some young people and so-called professionals, and unnecessary behaviour of people that I come across.

Although I am venting here, I no longer feel in the mood to write for my other blog or carry out the work that I was supposed to carry out when I arrived home.  I just don’t get why people can’t just let me be and let me do me, without having to bring their rubbish or control my life.  I know where I’m going and I have the right help behind me, so everyone else needs to fall back.