Unhappy

Staying Quiet

Yesterday, a friend of mine who had not been around for a while asked me why I was so quiet, saying that I used to be the life and soul, or something like that.  Another one of my friends responded by saying that I matured, but I wouldn’t say that’s it, although getting older and slightly wiser may have a minor part to play.

First off, it has a lot to do with me not being the same person I was all those years ago.  I’m more in tune with who I am now, so I don’t feel the need to be overly excited and bubbly to hide my insecurities or attract attention from those around me.  I prefer to sit quietly observing, speaking when I have something to say and receiving attention based on who I genuinely am, rather than the act I put on so you don’t see the real me.

Another reason for my quietness is the state of mind I’m in at the moment.  I’m already someone who doesn’t like speaking for the sake of it, but when I’m going through one of my darker periods, I’ll say fewer words until I feel really convicted to say something.  I don’t want to shut myself off from the world and not give time to the people I love, because that would go against my new mantra, which involves me trying to stay more connected to others and give more of my time, just like my late uncle and grandad.  Nevertheless, I don’t think I’ll be able to be fully happy and chatty when around them – not for now anyway.

To tell you the truth, my mind isn’t really here half of the time and the whole of me is fighting to stay alive.  There are times when I may be quiet, because I’m there in body but not in any way else.  I’ll smile and speak when needed so you wouldn’t know.

And if I’m being perfectly honest, I’m not around that particular group of friends so much any more or I’ve felt shut out from certain sub-groups that have formed, so there are times when I will feel a little uncomfortable or out-of-place.  I also tend to feel like an outsider anyway, so that doesn’t help.

That is why I’m quiet and why I probably always will be quiet – unless I feel passionate about a subject or have something to say.  Talking isn’t something I’m going to be doing a whole lot of anymore.

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Still a Work in Progress

I’d say that my main motto in life right now is “I’m a work in progress”, as it is the phrase that sums up where I am and what I’m going through.

Although I’ve come a long way over the past year and taken numerous steps forward, I still have far to go and there have been times when I find myself taking steps backward.

I still find that I’m not entirely happy within myself, which is a major issue that can affect my mood and self-esteem, but I am determined to change that.

I am a fighter who is naturally full of positive energy, but I need my God to strengthen me, because I do fall down sometimes and find myself in a pit of negative energy.

The constant fighting can become tiring at times and I find myself drained, yet I keep remembering that I am not doing it on my own, because God will always be beside me.

I am not ashamed to admit that I am a work in progress, because I am not perfect and I never will be, but I do want to figure out what is not clicking inside of me, because I need to feel better within myself.

It’s just another step in my journey and you know what I say, may they work continue.

Some Special People

This week, I had the opportunity to spend time with a really special group of people from the States.  Although it was my first time meeting these individuals, I immediately felt comfortable and happy in their company, which was unlike the way I was feeling last week.

Sometimes it shocks me that I can feel so at ease with people that I hardly know, but so unhappy around people that I’ve known for a long time.  Nevertheless, I have come to accept that this is life and there is not much I can do about it, but anyway, let’s get back to the great people that I had the privilege of spending some time with.

Although I was only able to spend a day and a half with them, that short time was so worth it.  It gave us time to see some gorgeous parts of London, eat some tasty food, get jokes, create memories and most of all, build friendships.  There was also not one person among them who I disliked.

These individuals had beautiful hearts and a fun mixture of personalities, which is always good when spending time with a group of people.  There was one particular female who exuded so much happiness, that it was as if she was full of light, which was lovely to see.  I was also able to meet a fellow writer with plenty of experience under her belt, who gave me some valuable advice as she offered her words of wisdom.  I could actually sit here and write something about each individual, because of how much I enjoyed spending time with them.

However, there are two particular individuals that I have to shine a light on, because of the connection that I made with them.  These two guys were constantly making me laugh and I never had a dull conversation with either of them, simply because of their amazing personalities.  They quickly started calling me by two of my nicknames (Shanq and Shanqy), which is something that I loved, although I wouldn’t normally be into people calling me by nicknames that early.  These two guys are very special.

I feel blessed to have met such a lovely group of people and I know that they were brought into my life for a reason; I can feel it.  I really hope that we will remain friends and by God’s grace, I hope to see them again soon.

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