Understanding

A New Perspective

It’s interesting how something can just hit you, when you’re least expecting it, bringing a whole new perspective.  That’s what happened to me today, when God spoke to me unexpectedly through my Sabbath School Lesson.

Studying about the Holy Spirit has been extremely interesting to me so far, revealing new things about this element of the Godhead to me and how it impacts our lives.  However, today’s particular lesson spoke to me on another level, as it dwelt on the effect that the Holy Spirit has on our thoughts and actions, giving “evidence of God’s work in us”.

Reading through and taking in what the writer expressed about the Holy Spirit influencing some of the thoughts that we have and the acts of kindness we carry out, brought me back to my purpose and the mission God has set out for me.  It helped me to understand the overwhelming tugging on my heart, urging me to go out and make a difference in the world.   It allowed me to think about where my sense of good comes from.  In a way, it showed me why I view aspects of the world differently to others.

I’ve been asking God to speak to me and show me if I’m following the path He’s set out for me – I want to be sure that I’m doing the right thing and moving in step with Him, as I’ve made too many mistakes simply by being out of step with Him.  Getting an answer had been a struggle, but as soon as I studied today’s lesson, the answer was laid out clear to me.  A big smile lit up my face as I became exceedingly glad, thankful that God speaks to me in a variety of ways and that He will always give me an answer, even if it takes a little longer than I would like.

There are times when I wrestle with my purpose or find myself doubting the ability to embrace my calling, but I know that it is what God has set out for me and I trust Him.  He would never give me more than I can handle and with Him by my side I am more than a conqueror.  Now it’s up to me to keep on believing that.

People

Like a lot of my poems, ‘People’ was born out of struggles and sadness.  This poem was written during The Complete Freedom of Truth when I needed time to myself, and was inspired by situations from the past few months when I’ve really struggled to be around people and needed time to get my emotions together.

People.

I have a real love-hate thing

With people.

Sometimes loving people,

Sometimes not,

At times wanting to integrate with them,

Other times desperate to be away from them.

When I’m in the right setting,

In a good place within,

People bring me joy,

Put a smile on my face,

Leave my heart bursting,

With love.

Yet if I’m in a bad place,

Swimming in a sea of people

Is the worst possible thing;

Easily infuriated,

I don’t want to talk,

Wanting to cry,

At any fleeting moment.

Some people ask what’s wrong,

Might try to engage in conversation,

But barely any words get said,

Feelings kept hidden below.

I hate letting my guard down,

Letting others see my pain;

In those times,

Preparing to keep myself to myself,

As my own company is best,

Not offending,

Annoying anyone else,

Giving my emotions time to rest;

Because even if I reveal

How I feel

To them,

Would I express it correctly,

Would they truly understand?

People will be people,

That will never change,

But I can change my location,

Making sure I’m not in their way.

Understanding Queries of the Heart

As per usual, queries and feelings fill my heart, seeping into my mind, making me question everything and everyone.  Is what I’m feeling true?  Am I getting caught up in the moment or simply being ridiculous?  Am I overreacting or am I being unnecessarily jealous?  Or perhaps I’m unfairly comparing myself to other individuals?  Who knows?

Those emotions building up in my heart, causing butterflies to spread into my stomach, lead to fear and wonder within me.  I find myself continuously asking if my affection is real and where it stemmed from.  Then I wonder that even if it is true, will that affection be reciprocated by the other individual, or will I find myself in the familiar territory of heartbreak?  However, I still find that pangs of jealously stab at my heart, despite being unsure of whether the affection is real and whether I stand a chance.

Because I don’t think I stand a chance.  I could give you numerous reasons as to why, but they are mainly opinion, not fact.  Because I don’t know what they’re thinking and of course, I’d be too afraid to ask.  And even if there was a chance, the odds would be against us, again for numerous reasons, this time fact rather than opinion.

There’s nothing I can do about that affection though, except push it to the back of my mind and hope that it fades away, or that I find myself drawn to another in the process.  It’s no secret that I’m hoping to find love, yet that’s not that big of an issue.  At this time of my life, love can afford to wait a while, as I try to sort myself out and move my endeavors forward.

You see, my endeavors are of the highest important and I want to ensure that they not only succeed, but that they make the greatest impact possible.  I want to make a real difference in the lives of others, particularly my fellow young people, but I cannot do that alone.  I need support from others, especially from the people in my life, who are supposed to have my back and want to see me succeed.

I don’t think I have that though, not really.  And I say not really, because there are a faithful few who are there for me hardcore; who come out and show their support on a regular basis, who spread the word, who go out of their way to show they support me.  The issue is though, that I can’t say I have the support of the majority, which constantly hurts me, but I can’t force anyone to back me or make time for me.

I shouldn’t have to force anything either, just simply ask and have them come out for me, because I would do the same for them – showing them the loyalty that I value and displaying the love I have them, that comes from deep in my heart.  I find myself questioning why they don’t show me the same level of support I would always show them?  How is it that others have such a strong support system, when mine continues to dwindle?  Why is it that the ones who will ride for me are the ones I’ve known for shortest amount of time, rather than the ones I grew up with?

Each day, each situation I find myself in, brings up new queries and feelings, making me answerable to myself and more wary of others.  I know that I can’t trust people, but the question is, can I trust my feelings, because they’ve been known to shy away from the truth.  I guess it’s just up to me to take some time to take a deeper look into those feelings and into those queries in order to get a better understanding, because I want to know the truth.  Because even though I may not get the truth from someone else, I better get it from myself.