Not Caring to Live

“Let’s stay in our bed and die.”

“I want to lay down and die.”

Just two of the selection of things I casually say without thinking, not really wanting to die, but not caring to live either.  I guess I need to be careful about making these sorts of comments, because one day God will make my words a reality and I’ll have breathed my last breath.

I don’t like life though and I find myself constantly tiring of it, no matter how hard I try and no matter how much I fight to stay positive.  It’s a frustrating battle, where I usually feel like the loser, watching so many others on the winning side.

I know it’s not good, because life is a gift and I’m here when so many others aren’t, but I can’t help wondering how much I’m really contributing.  I feel that I have a purpose, yet I’m not fully living up to it and that my attempts to make a difference are not making any real impact.  So often I want to give up, but I know it’s not the right thing to do, so I keep pressing on, and on, and on.

Some days are better than others, when I’m rearing to go and ready to conquer whatever tasks lay ahead of me.  However, there are so many down days and dark moments, when I want to cry, do nothing and sleep forever.  Sadness overwhelms me and I question, “What am I doing?”  Ostracising myself from others seems like the only option and no matter how much I attempt to talk myself around, the negative thoughts keep batting me down.

Wondering if I suffer from depression, but I have no idea.  I know that my PMS brings on depressed feelings and self-harm has been my uphill struggle.  I know that I wrestle with confidence and I have incredibly low self-esteem, but being clinically depressed – I don’t know.

All I know is that I struggle to believe in myself and what I do.  I find it hard not to compare myself to others and feel inferior as I watch them reaching new heights.  I feel lonely, let-down and lacking.  I’m tired, wondering if my goals are worth working towards.  I feel a sense of hopelessness, doubting my dreams will ever come true.

Most of all, I feel horrible, because I don’t want to feel this way at all and I want to have faith in all God has in store for me.  I want to genuinely believe that He’ll make my dreams come true, have hope in all that He has for me and trust that all I ask for will come from Him.

Yet I can’t shake off that feeling of wanting to “lay down and die”…

Craving Rest

Silently wishing

The ground would open up,

Swallow me,

Let me sleep and sleep,

Giving me the rest I crave —

The rest from my mind,

The rest from my body,

The rest from this world;

Rest from the tiredness

That covers like a dark cloud,

Continues to consume me,

No matter how hard I try to cut through.

Tired, tired, tired,

I’m frustrated with feeling tired —

Tired of home,

Tired of work,

Tired of people,

Tired of waiting,

Tired of feeling down,

Tired of feeling hurt,

Tired of fighting,

Tired of feeling tired physically.

I want to be whisked away,

Disappearing into thin air,

To a new place

With new faces,

Free to sleep my life away,

And awake,

When I feel ready to fight another day.

Hating Feelings

I hate feelings.  I genuinely hate feelings.  I hate that you can’t stop them, I hate that you can’t change them, and more than anything, I hate that you can’t control them.

I would give anything to control my feelings; in fact, I have attempted to control them and in some ways I’ve succeeded.  I don’t allow myself my emotions to spill over in front of others and I’m able to suppress my romantic feelings, to the point where I’m not actually sure whether I like someone or not.

The confusion over romantic feelings is not necessarily a good thing, but it prevents me from getting hurt.  I’d rather make myself think that I don’t like someone or bury those types of feelings in a dark hole, if it meant that I wasn’t rejected, walked over, messed around with or made to feel that I wasn’t good enough again.  I don’t think there’s anything worse than feeling like that and I’ve rather avoid it.  However, this again signifies my issue with control, but now I’m asserting control over my feelings instead of the direction my life is heading in.

I thought that I had moved past my issues with control, but today in counselling, I realised that this is far from being the case.  I still have the desire to be in control of my life somehow, as it helps me to face the fear of the unknown, which brings me on to fear itself.  A huge element of my control issues comes from me wanting to combat fear — fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, fear of getting hurt, fear of looking stupid, feeling worthless… The list goes on.

I’m tired of being afraid though and letting the wounds from my past affect me so deeply that I’m afraid to tap into my feelings anymore.  As much as I hate feelings, they are a part of life and I want to be able to access them, so that I don’t miss out on the good, beautiful things.  It’s just a shame about all of the bad that has to come with that.