Tired

I Promise

“I promise.”

I hate that phrase.  I despise it, because about 95% of the time, it is pointless, flung out of the mouth of another person probably without them thinking.  In fact, I hate when anyone promises me anything, because it is usually a lie or yet more empty words.

Lies and empty words seem to be points that I am continuously coming back to these days, but unfortunately they are far too common and regularly uttered by individuals.  Why is it so hard to genuinely mean what you say?

Words should measure up with your actions, except that often isn’t the case anymore and I don’t understand why.  It frustrates me, because the words shouldn’t leave your mind if you didn’t mean them in the first place.  I guess it’s my fault though for having some sort of expectation – you shouldn’t expect anything from anyone.  Most have the tendency to let you down.

However, nothing angers me more than people throwing around the word promise and not following through with what they “promised” to do or suddenly switching up on you.  People are way too inconsistent, especially males, and I am freaking tired of it.  Just be who you are, follow through on your words and stop switching up your personality.  I honestly don’t know what to think of some individuals anymore, and I hate that, because then I don’t know how to act around them.

The only promises I can truly trust and believe in are God’s promises, because I know His words are truth.  My God has never switched up on me and I know he never, ever will.  His promises are the only ones that matter and the only ones I can take seriously, because His words have never been empty.

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I Want to Get Away

I want to get away.  I desperately need to get away from here and not return – at least not for a very long time.  I’m falling out of love with the home I once loved so much, the love beginning to turn into disdain and frustration.

I know getting away won’t solve my problems, but at least I’ll be away from some of them and able to start anew.  I just want to forget everything, stop doing everything and basically run away from everything.  Maybe that’s the weak way out, but I actually don’t care.  I’m fed up.  Yeah, I said it, I’m fed up and annoyed and tired.

Frustratingly, I say that I’m tired a lot – psychically, mentally and emotionally – but unfortunately, that is often the case.  I’m also very tired of people and becoming increasingly annoyed by them – it seems that I’m leaning more towards the hate side of my love/hate relationship with people at the moment.  I don’t want to be tired of people, I really don’t, and I want to be nice; but the way I just can’t take people sometimes.  Especially at this time in my life.

Like Lenny Kravitz said, “I want to get away, I want to fly away”.  I want to fly somewhere far and get away from all my responsibilities, relax my mind and heal my heart.  But I guess that ‘s just too much to ask.

Not Caring to Live

“Let’s stay in our bed and die.”

“I want to lay down and die.”

Just two of the selection of things I casually say without thinking, not really wanting to die, but not caring to live either.  I guess I need to be careful about making these sorts of comments, because one day God will make my words a reality and I’ll have breathed my last breath.

I don’t like life though and I find myself constantly tiring of it, no matter how hard I try and no matter how much I fight to stay positive.  It’s a frustrating battle, where I usually feel like the loser, watching so many others on the winning side.

I know it’s not good, because life is a gift and I’m here when so many others aren’t, but I can’t help wondering how much I’m really contributing.  I feel that I have a purpose, yet I’m not fully living up to it and that my attempts to make a difference are not making any real impact.  So often I want to give up, but I know it’s not the right thing to do, so I keep pressing on, and on, and on.

Some days are better than others, when I’m rearing to go and ready to conquer whatever tasks lay ahead of me.  However, there are so many down days and dark moments, when I want to cry, do nothing and sleep forever.  Sadness overwhelms me and I question, “What am I doing?”  Ostracising myself from others seems like the only option and no matter how much I attempt to talk myself around, the negative thoughts keep batting me down.

Wondering if I suffer from depression, but I have no idea.  I know that my PMS brings on depressed feelings and self-harm has been my uphill struggle.  I know that I wrestle with confidence and I have incredibly low self-esteem, but being clinically depressed – I don’t know.

All I know is that I struggle to believe in myself and what I do.  I find it hard not to compare myself to others and feel inferior as I watch them reaching new heights.  I feel lonely, let-down and lacking.  I’m tired, wondering if my goals are worth working towards.  I feel a sense of hopelessness, doubting my dreams will ever come true.

Most of all, I feel horrible, because I don’t want to feel this way at all and I want to have faith in all God has in store for me.  I want to genuinely believe that He’ll make my dreams come true, have hope in all that He has for me and trust that all I ask for will come from Him.

Yet I can’t shake off that feeling of wanting to “lay down and die”…