Time

Hating 24

I turned 24 on Monday and I hated it.  For the first time in a long while, I actually felt my age.  I felt older, like the many responsibilities of being an adult were hitting me harder than ever before.  When a friend of mine joked that I was turning 17, I genuinely wished I could turn back time and be a teenager all over again, but time can only move forwards in this life.

Now it’s not that I hate being an adult because I don’t want to have to deal with responsibilities – it’s just that life gets tougher, more demanding and a lot more real.  The future continues to draw nearer and plans for your life seem to become more urgent, as the days run away from you; it seems that you’re running out of time, despite being relatively young.

Three years ago, my life plan completely changed after I made the decision to drop out of university, meaning that I’m not currently where I thought I would be or should be in regards to my career.  Instead, I’m on a different path, which I believe is God’s plan for my life, but it’s happening at a slower pace than I would like.

Although I keep on reminding myself that I’ve achieved and grown a whole lot in the past few years through the various actions I’ve taken, I still feel that it’s not enough.  I don’t feel that I’m doing enough to change my community, make changes in my country, eventually change the world.  Couple that with not having a job that pays enough for me to buy my own place, I end up feeling frustrated and sad, like I’m failing in some ways.

Then there’s the matters of the heart, the constant issue of love that leaves me impatient, despondent, jealous and in tears, over and over again.  I’m 24 now, with no boyfriend and no boyfriend on the horizon, which is depressing, because I always wanted to be married by 25 at the latest.  There is no chance of that happening now.

For me, love is cruel, breaking my heart or simply not working out, for one reason or another.  The cruelty of love punched me in the face on my birthday, as it fully hit me that there was no chance of finding the one in the time frame I wanted.  It felt like the window was closing as I grew older, time quickly getting away from me.

As I write this I can see that time is a constant thread throughout.  The thought of time getting away from me is causing me distress, especially as this world continues to show me that life is short.  I want to achieve as much as I can, give as much as I can, feel as much as I can.  I want to impact the lives of young people, I want to have an organisation of my own, I want to experience real, beautiful love that will actually be reciprocated.  I want to feel happy in my age, not fearful and anxious.

Following on from my birthday has been a struggle, as I’ve found myself wrestling with questions and dealing with conflicts of the heart throughout the remainder of the week.  Not knowing what to do or how I feel, I’ve worked myself into a state of panic that I’m struggling to come back from.   Effecting my health and my emotions, my head hurts, my chest feels strange and I can’t hold back the tears that are flowing for reasons unknown to me.

I don’t think I’ve ever hated a birthday or an age like I’ve hated 24, which comes as a surprise to me – I expected to simply feel indifference, not complete disdain.  However, the fact is I’m still here and I want to be thankful for my life, because there are two beautiful people I love very much who aren’t here anymore and I wish that they still had a life to live.  I just need to take every day as it comes and trust in God, because He’s got my back and His timing is perfect, in spite of how much I may want to rush Him.

My Top 5 Qualities in a Guy

Since I shared my Top 5 Features on a Guy with you yesterday, I think it’s only right that I share my Top 5 qualities in a guy with you today.  After all, when it comes to genuine attraction, it’s more about the personality than looks for me.

 

5. Good Listener

My love language is time, so of course I want any guy I’m with to give me the time I need, which means listening to me, particularly when I’m in a bad way.  If a guy is a good listener and willing to take time out to listen to me in my time of need or when I’m talking rubbish, he immediately scores points with me.  It also means that I feel comfortable with him.

 

4. Good Heart

I always look at the heart in a person and if I can see that you have a good heart, then I’m more than willing to take a chance on you.  A good heart is one of the most beautiful things in an individual, especially when it is hidden underneath rough exterior, not allowing everyone to see it.  Even if a guy is a little “bad”, I’d be more than willing to give him a chance if I could see he has a good heart.

 

3. Funny

I’m sorry, but if a guy is not funny then I cannot be with them, because I love to laugh and I like to be entertained.  I need someone who will be able to make me laugh and bring smiles to my face even when I don’t feel like smiling, so if I don’t find a guy funny then it won’t work.  It’s as simple as that.

 

2. Honest

Honesty is an essential quality, because I need to be able to trust the guy that I’m with.  If my boyfriend lies to me or proves that he can’t be trusted, we might as well end the relationship then and there, because I have serious trust issues and it’s unlikely that I’ll be able to trust him again.  I need the man I’m with to be able to open my heart and help me to trust, not tear down my belief in people.

 

1. Weird

My number one quality has to be weird, because if a guy is not weird, then it’s unlikely that I’d even date him.  I love weird people, as I think that they’re the best kind of people and the most fun kind of people.  It’ll be less likely for me to get bored with a weird person and they’d also mesh with me a lot better, as I’m a weird one myself.

 

Now you know my Top 5 qualities in a guy, but I couldn’t end without giving a special mention to one important quality that didn’t make it on the list.  Of course, my guy needs to be a basketball fan, as I want him to be watching the games with me and shouting at the TV beside me.  Do you share any of my Top 5 qualities in a guy?

Another Year, Another Reflection

Saturday was my birthday.

Another year of life, an ideal time for reflection.

You see, birthdays aren’t a huge thing for me anymore;

God granting me another year is a blessing,

But the concept of getting older doesn’t seem so appealing.

 

Turning 21 felt weird,

However, I loved being 22.

Turning 23, though, just doesn’t feel nice,

And it’s like I can see 30 in the distance.

 

As I get older, it feels like time is running out,

To achieve what I want to achieve.

I want to make a difference, make my mark on the world,

I also want to get married and have a little girl.

 

In all honesty, I’d love to have been married by 23,

But of course this wasn’t meant to be.

Now I hope to be married by 25,

Having the one standing by my side.

 

There’s a slight problem with that though,

Because there’s currently no man in my life,

And I continue to wonder whether I’ll find someone worthy,

Or if they’ll even be willing to make me their wife.

 

A man in my life is not in the forefront of my mind though,

With so many plans for me to put into action.

Although I’d like to be further forward on my checklist,

I’ve done a lot in the past year that I should be proud of.

 

I’ve learnt to say no and not take every task on board,

I’ve continued writing and moved one of my blogs forward.

I found a way to take my youth platform to the next stage,

And I’ve finally come up with a business idea to put into play.

 

I visited new places in the world and made new friends,

I saw family I hadn’t seen for years on end.

Slowly but surely, my confidence is continuing to build,

And I’m seeing what I can do in the community I’m in.

 

There is so much more and for that I am proud,

But this year was definitely not full of good times.

I made mistakes and did not work as hard as I should,

But it’s been a learning process, which is always good.

 

Although 23 is an age that I’m not really feeling,

I did decide to celebrate my birthday a little bit;

Because I love those special moments with the people I love,

And being with them a little longer makes getting older worthwhile.