Struggles

Release Through Tears

Over the past few days I’ve cried tears, so many tears, filled with different emotions and feelings.  I’ve cried tears of anger, tears of annoyance, tears of hurt and tears of things I cannot even explain.

You see, I’m someone who doesn’t like to let others see my feelings, which includes seeing me cry.  I’d prefer to hide those feelings or subconsciously repress them, because I don’t want to let my guard down.  I don’t want others to see me vulnerable or think me weak.

As someone who is usually sweet, kind and finds it hard to say no, I am already an easy target for others and someone they can walk over.  So letting them see me upset, angry or in fits of tears puts me in a worse position, as I believe that they will now see me as weak.

I’m an individual trying my hardest to stay strong in a world that seems to love tearing me down, so of course I want to put up a strong front.  Letting others think I’m weak is the last thing I want.

However, bottling up those feelings isn’t a good thing and keeping them under wraps can feel like a heavy weight dragging me down, but telling someone isn’t always an option for me, so I release hurt and frustrations behind closed doors.

I will cry streams of tears, I might throw things and I’ll pour my heart out to God, because I know He’s always listening without passing judgement and He won’t get tired of hearing the same things again and again.

Sometimes I don’t like that I cry so much and that I get over emotional, but it’s my way of release and it prevents me from lashing out more at others.  I’d also rather cry until my head hurts or my eyes are sore as a way of dealing with my struggles, instead of taking a knife to my skin and cutting myself.

It’s very rare that I’ve let others see me cry and it will continue to be a rarity, as I don’t want to give others the satisfaction, but I do want to work on letting my guard down and letting my feelings come naturally, especially for when that guy I love comes along.  Like I always say though, I’m still a work in progress.

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More Than a Conqueror

There’s nothing worse than feeling sad and down, but having no idea where those feelings stem from.  These feelings strike me every now and then, just like they struck me this afternoon.  It does not help that we are now in autumn, which is the season when I find myself at my lowest.

However, I don’t want to keep letting autumn get me down and I refuse to keep getting myself down. I’m tired of always beating myself up and putting myself down and living in fear, because all it does is hold me back and I am more than a conqueror.

This evening, God reminded me that I am more than a conqueror, which I have proved time and time again over the years.  With his strength and arms wrapped around me, I have been able to overcome the struggles and trials that have brought me to my lowest and caused me great misery.  He also revealed an inner strength in me that I need to tap into more often.

I lack confidence, but God is rebuilding my confidence and moulding me into the person that He has always wanted me to be.  I am also learning who I am in God, which is a little difficult, but I know that I will become that person eventually.  I am also laying my burdens down at God’s feet as I develop my faith in Him, so that I can display the strong, deep-rooted, crazy faith like David in the Bible.  David really is a true inspiration.

However, what I always need to remember is that with God for me, who can be against me.

So Sick

I’m so sick of this headache, which feels like my head is pounding.

I’m so sick of this cough and my scratchy throat.

I’m so sick of the feelings of congestion, leading to earache and some nasal pain.

I’m so sick and tired of the pain in my jaw, as my final wisdom tooth fights to push its way through.

I’m so sick and tired of lacking inspiration and struggling with ideas of what to write.

I’m so sick and tired of being at some sort of stand still and trying to move forward, but getting no where.

I’m so sick and tired of people thinking they have right to judge how other individuals worship.

I’m sick and tired of the dreary worship services taking place in my church.

I’m sick and tired of the lack of love in our churches, but the constant focusing on ‘dos and don’ts’.

I’m sick and tired of people talking for talking’s sake and saying things just because they believe they should.

I’m sick and tired of people not meaning what they say and making empty promises.

I’m tired of people’s words not being cohesive with their actions.

I’m tired of the treatment I receive from some of my [so-called] friends.

I’m tired of people letting me down, forgetting about me, leaving me behind and treating me like second best.

I’m tired of not being given opportunities and chances to prove myself.

There are times when I’m so sick and tired of life and the pathetic sin-riddled world we’ve been forced to live in.

I’m just so sick and tired of it.