Strong

Release Through Tears

Over the past few days I’ve cried tears, so many tears, filled with different emotions and feelings.  I’ve cried tears of anger, tears of annoyance, tears of hurt and tears of things I cannot even explain.

You see, I’m someone who doesn’t like to let others see my feelings, which includes seeing me cry.  I’d prefer to hide those feelings or subconsciously repress them, because I don’t want to let my guard down.  I don’t want others to see me vulnerable or think me weak.

As someone who is usually sweet, kind and finds it hard to say no, I am already an easy target for others and someone they can walk over.  So letting them see me upset, angry or in fits of tears puts me in a worse position, as I believe that they will now see me as weak.

I’m an individual trying my hardest to stay strong in a world that seems to love tearing me down, so of course I want to put up a strong front.  Letting others think I’m weak is the last thing I want.

However, bottling up those feelings isn’t a good thing and keeping them under wraps can feel like a heavy weight dragging me down, but telling someone isn’t always an option for me, so I release hurt and frustrations behind closed doors.

I will cry streams of tears, I might throw things and I’ll pour my heart out to God, because I know He’s always listening without passing judgement and He won’t get tired of hearing the same things again and again.

Sometimes I don’t like that I cry so much and that I get over emotional, but it’s my way of release and it prevents me from lashing out more at others.  I’d also rather cry until my head hurts or my eyes are sore as a way of dealing with my struggles, instead of taking a knife to my skin and cutting myself.

It’s very rare that I’ve let others see me cry and it will continue to be a rarity, as I don’t want to give others the satisfaction, but I do want to work on letting my guard down and letting my feelings come naturally, especially for when that guy I love comes along.  Like I always say though, I’m still a work in progress.

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My Kobe Bryant Heartbreak

Kobe Bryant, one of my favourite basketball players and one of the best to ever play the game, announced that he would retire at the end of the season.  When I read his beautiful, heartfelt letter on The Players’ Tribune, tears filled my eyes and ran down my face.  It was official.  My favourite [male] basketball player was officially coming to the end of his career.

It hurt me to see Kobe suffer from major injury, after major injury, over the past three seasons, especially as his age made it harder for him to fight back.  Kobe’s decline in this current season has broken my heart, as his body continues to break down, preventing him from being the stellar player we all know he is.  Unfortunately, he won’t be going out in a blaze of glory in his final season, but at least he can see that his time is up and I rate him for that.

When I became a basketball fan, Kobe Bryant was the first player that I fell in love with.  In fact, he was one of the main reasons why I became a Lakers fan and why I always will be.  I could see that he wasn’t perfect and had many flaws, but I love him for who he is.  One of the main reasons why I love Kobe is because of his work ethic.  He is tenacious and he will fight to win, carrying the whole team on his back and trying to get them back into a game all on his own.  It didn’t always work, but when it did, it was magic.

Kobe is also resilient, playing through pain and displaying the most unbelievable endurance.  His strength inspires me and sometimes when I work out, I think about what he does to motivate me and push me harder.  I may not be a sportsperson, but I definitely have the ability to push a little harder if he can shoot two free throws with a torn Achilles — that was an amazing moment for me.

Seeing Kobe play for the Lakers and appear in All-Star games has been a constant for me since I started following the NBA, so knowing that he will no longer be a part of that is really sad for me, but time does move on and people get older.  As much as I hate to say it, this is definitely the right time for Kobe to retire, but at least I’ve had the opportunity to see him play and watch him win two of those five championships.  I also got a close glimpse of him in London, after he’d won his second Olympic gold, which is something that I will treasure forever.

I know that this couldn’t have been an easy decision to make for Kobe, as you can see how much he loves the game, which made me love it right along with him.  Basketball is clearly his first love and having to give up your first love must be one of the hardest things to do.  However, Father Time is knocking and Kobe is showing grace by answering the door, so now it is time of us to start waving good-bye.  I just wish this goodbye could have ended in one final playoff run for him.

For now, I have to say thank you Kobe Bryant for the dedication you showed to the game of basketball and providing us with so many great moments.  You will forever be one of my favourite players and one of the best to ever grace the court.

Kobe Bryant

Tumbling and Turning Thoughts

My mind is like a washing machine, with thoughts and questions tumbling and turning around in my head.  I jump from one point to another, thinking about various aspects of my life and trying to stay positive, not letting the inner demons take over.

Wondering will anything actually go right for me, instead of regularly sinking in the wrong direction or throwing me off course.  However, I need to remember that God always comes through for me and that I need to have faith in Him, faith in what He will do for me, faith in His perfect timing.

I find myself asking, why do people keep leaving me?  Not just friends, but those advising me and helping me through certain endeavours in my life, moving on to pastures anew when I’ve become comfortable and built up trust with them.  However, I need to remember that they’re not specifically leaving me, but just going forward in their life and who am I to prevent them from doing that.

Then there is the issue of love, my heart, the guys in my life.  Oh, the guys in my life.  Why can’t I like the ones who like me, rather than liking the wrong ones or the guys who are never going to like me?  Why does my mind keep coming back to the same guy, who is definitely the wrong guy?  Thinking I’m going to be single for a very long time, that my vision of love doesn’t look like it’s coming anytime soon.  However, I need to remember to be patient and faithful, believing that God will send me the right guy at the right time in my life.

I’m frustrated, I’m upset, I’m conflicted and tired of trying to get things done, but having them go wrong.  Yet I’m thankful, strong enough to get through and getting more resilient all the time.  My God has always helped me through and He will never let me down, so despite all the negative questions and thoughts, I’m holding on.