Yesterday, a friend of mine who had not been around for a while asked me why I was so quiet, saying that I used to be the life and soul, or something like that. Another one of my friends responded by saying that I matured, but I wouldn’t say that’s it, although getting older and slightly wiser may have a minor part to play.
First off, it has a lot to do with me not being the same person I was all those years ago. I’m more in tune with who I am now, so I don’t feel the need to be overly excited and bubbly to hide my insecurities or attract attention from those around me. I prefer to sit quietly observing, speaking when I have something to say and receiving attention based on who I genuinely am, rather than the act I put on so you don’t see the real me.
Another reason for my quietness is the state of mind I’m in at the moment. I’m already someone who doesn’t like speaking for the sake of it, but when I’m going through one of my darker periods, I’ll say fewer words until I feel really convicted to say something. I don’t want to shut myself off from the world and not give time to the people I love, because that would go against my new mantra, which involves me trying to stay more connected to others and give more of my time, just like my late uncle and grandad. Nevertheless, I don’t think I’ll be able to be fully happy and chatty when around them – not for now anyway.
To tell you the truth, my mind isn’t really here half of the time and the whole of me is fighting to stay alive. There are times when I may be quiet, because I’m there in body but not in any way else. I’ll smile and speak when needed so you wouldn’t know.
And if I’m being perfectly honest, I’m not around that particular group of friends so much any more or I’ve felt shut out from certain sub-groups that have formed, so there are times when I will feel a little uncomfortable or out-of-place. I also tend to feel like an outsider anyway, so that doesn’t help.
That is why I’m quiet and why I probably always will be quiet – unless I feel passionate about a subject or have something to say. Talking isn’t something I’m going to be doing a whole lot of anymore.