Giving Up, Not Waiting for Love

I haven’t written on here for a long while – which is really sad, cos this is one of my babies – partly because I have been busy or have not known what to write about.  However, I’ve now got so much I want to say, but I have no idea of where to start from, which is often the case.  My head is regularly a crazy jumble, whirling round with masses of thoughts and inner-venting.  The inner-venting seems like a good starting point, so I’m going to begin with venting on one of my favourite venting topics: guys.

Yes, that ancient frustration with guys continues to nag at me.  Is it any wonder why I’ve given up on love?  I’m genuinely serious, I’ve given up on love.  If it happens, it happens, but I am not holding my breath, especially as I am willfully trying to avoid love finding me.  I’m not really about dating anyone and I hate the concept of letting anyone remotely close to me, so I prefer to keep others at arm’s length.

Despite not wanting to date or get involved with anyone, guys insist on trying to work their way in.  This should be flattering, but it actually isn’t, considering most of them are time-wasters that end up putting me off guys even more.  In my opinion, if you purposefully go out of your way to make contact, you should be serious and actually want to get to know me as a person.  However, this is not their logic and it confounds me; like, I didn’t request your presence in my life.

I’m happy going along my merry way on my own, yet these guys feel that I must have them come along with me, as if they are somehow an answer to a prayer I never prayed.  In turn, this makes them feel somehow entitled, therefore enabling them to call the shots on how all things should run going forward.  They choose to speak or see you when it is convenient for them, they make it so that you have to come to them (even though they approached you), or the classic, they ask you to come to their house, because thinking of somewhere to go out is just too much.

I am beyond sick and tired of guys making interactions all about them – this actually extends beyond romantic interests and applies to all guys in general.  The conversation begins and ends when they feel.  Their time is more important than yours.  It’s alright for them to treat you any way they feel, even if it is unfair, hurtful or inconsiderate.  The majority of guys I know or know of are so self-absorbed, it is unbelievable.

But I digress.  Basically, I am over having guys in my life romantically.  Not only do I enjoy being single – able to focus on my work and do as I please – but I am fatigued by the disappointment, heartbreak and confusion that guys bring.  It seems to be a consistent and I am so done with it.  For some reason, my love life can never be normal or smooth-sailing.

The guys I tend to like do not like me back, or don’t take me seriously, or are only interested in sleeping with me – this is why compliments about my outer appearance mean so little now and compliments about my persona / inner being hold much more weight.

Then with the guys who do like me, I usually don’t like them back and I don’t want to force myself, because that is not fair on either of us.  And when I do start liking a guy who likes me, somehow their interest begins to lessen, until they stop liking me all together.  It is beyond ridiculous.

As I mentioned earlier, I hate letting anyone close or being vulnerable enough to let them in – it terrifies me.  Letting myself have feelings for anyone terrifies me too, because there is always that chance they will cause me pain.  Too many of the guys I have let in or caught feelings for have left, messed me around or caused deep hurt, which have at times taken me a long time to get over.  I refuse to find myself in those positions again.

I recently met someone who I connected with, almost immediately, which doesn’t happen often, automatically making the individual stand out in my eyes.  He proper made me laugh and I felt comfortable with him – he was genuinely someone that I would want to chill with on a regular basis.  Neither of us want to be in a relationship right now, but I did want to get to know him better on a friendship level (that is the best foundation after all).  However, it turns out he is just a typical guy and out to waste my time.  I really am sick of that.

I’m not going to lie, sometimes I would like that go-to person I can pick up the phone and chat to, share the good things and the bad, chill with, and share a sense of intimacy, but we can’t have it all.  For some reason, I don’t do well with love and I don’t see it coming my way.  I’ll just spread love in the world instead.


Single Number One

Filling my mind,

Time and time again,

Is a thought I wish would go away,

But instead stays put,

Like an unwelcome stranger;

Stalking around and whispering in my ear,

Telling me you’re destined to remain

A single number one forever,

Never to join with another.

Dates aren’t on the cards,

As no king wants to make you their queen,

Leaving jokers standing in their place,

Trying to spit game;

Taking “the one” out of the equation,

Not that he stood a chance anyway,

Because your unbalanced insecurities,

Prevented any chance of equality.

The unwelcome voice does not stand on its own,

My inability to trust ensures it is not alone,

Joined by my ease of seeing the worst in others,

Forming a wall to keep my heart covered.

Then there’s the way I see my reflection,

In the mirror,

Small, dumpy and chubby,

Missing that glimmer,

Which the girlies in my life

Seem to have in abundance,

Leaving me sidelined, out in the cold,

Feeling slightly pointless.

Why aren’t my calves smaller?

Why isn’t my stomach flatter?

Can’t my face be a little slimmer?

Are my glasses the problem?

Raising more questions than answers,

My appearance arises as the main issue,

Mixed with clashes of morals and personalities,

Trust issues and doubt,

A barricaded heart and countless insecurities.

So I find myself back at the beginning,

The single number one,

Giving into the unwelcome voice,

Filling my mind;

Because I’m over it,

I’m done.




Bit of a Mess

My life is starting to feel like a bit of a mess right now; in fact, it feels like a right joke in some respects.

I feel like I am trying to do too much, which then results in me doing too little, as I get overwhelmed and struggle with managing my time in the best possible way.

As I am trying to transition from the thought process to actually taking action, I find myself getting muddled and unsure about the necessary steps to take.  My mind is running away from me, as it jumps from one idea to another.  However, one thing I’ve realised amongst all this mess is that I really need a mentor.

Although I know what I want to do, I am getting confused about where to go and how to get there, which is messing me up.  I also find that possible opportunities are being snatched away from me before they even start, which is proving a hinderance and also messing me up.

I know that God has a plan for me – that is one thing I am sure of – but I am confused about how He has set this plan out and what steps He wants me to take.  I am struggling to hear his voice and understand the way that He wants me to go, which is throwing me off and making me a little unhappy.  I need to hear from my God right now and get some sort of sign, as I believe that it would really help me out.

And please do not get me started on males.  That subject is just a complete joke, which I will fill you in on in a future blog post.  I seriously believe that I am destined to be single at this point in my life; in fact, I don’t think that I should be dating anyone.

All in all, I feel like I am up in the air right now and I don’t know when I’m going to come down.  I just know that I need help from my loving God to sort out this mess.  I certainly can’t do it on my own.