Not Caring to Live

“Let’s stay in our bed and die.”

“I want to lay down and die.”

Just two of the selection of things I casually say without thinking, not really wanting to die, but not caring to live either.  I guess I need to be careful about making these sorts of comments, because one day God will make my words a reality and I’ll have breathed my last breath.

I don’t like life though and I find myself constantly tiring of it, no matter how hard I try and no matter how much I fight to stay positive.  It’s a frustrating battle, where I usually feel like the loser, watching so many others on the winning side.

I know it’s not good, because life is a gift and I’m here when so many others aren’t, but I can’t help wondering how much I’m really contributing.  I feel that I have a purpose, yet I’m not fully living up to it and that my attempts to make a difference are not making any real impact.  So often I want to give up, but I know it’s not the right thing to do, so I keep pressing on, and on, and on.

Some days are better than others, when I’m rearing to go and ready to conquer whatever tasks lay ahead of me.  However, there are so many down days and dark moments, when I want to cry, do nothing and sleep forever.  Sadness overwhelms me and I question, “What am I doing?”  Ostracising myself from others seems like the only option and no matter how much I attempt to talk myself around, the negative thoughts keep batting me down.

Wondering if I suffer from depression, but I have no idea.  I know that my PMS brings on depressed feelings and self-harm has been my uphill struggle.  I know that I wrestle with confidence and I have incredibly low self-esteem, but being clinically depressed – I don’t know.

All I know is that I struggle to believe in myself and what I do.  I find it hard not to compare myself to others and feel inferior as I watch them reaching new heights.  I feel lonely, let-down and lacking.  I’m tired, wondering if my goals are worth working towards.  I feel a sense of hopelessness, doubting my dreams will ever come true.

Most of all, I feel horrible, because I don’t want to feel this way at all and I want to have faith in all God has in store for me.  I want to genuinely believe that He’ll make my dreams come true, have hope in all that He has for me and trust that all I ask for will come from Him.

Yet I can’t shake off that feeling of wanting to “lay down and die”…

See What They See

After speaking to my wonderful friend Ellie, I was inspired to write this poem:

Amazing, beautiful, special

Is what they see,

Looking at me with a loving gaze;

I wish I could see what they see.

Lacking confidence,


Not loving my face,

Hating my body.

Not worth worrying about,

A plump basic girl,

That’s how I see myself

Without a doubt.

I wish I thought better,

But I don’t,

Struggling to value myself

As much as others,

I think I missed that boat.

I’m Not Ashamed of Being a Work in Progress


Why am I still so hard on myself?

When in my mind,

And in my heart,

I should know better.

Perhaps I’m a little self-centred,

Thinking that everything comes down to me;

Or that everything is my fault.

I’m the cause of the problem,

I’m the reason they’re not speaking to me,

My actions made them walk away,

They don’t know me but don’t like me.

Perhaps I prefer to see the worst in everyone,

Making it easier for my heart,

As keeping them at a distance,

Prevents the possibility of hurt.

Yet seeing the worst can’t be good can it,

My mind twisting everything,

So I can no longer see straight,

Becoming bitter and sabotaging relationships.


Why do voices in my head insist,

On bringing my inner demons the fore,

Reminding me of past hurts and mistakes,

Painful words that cut me to the core,

Things I put on the back-burner,

Coming back to haunt me once more.

No matter how hard I try,

My self-esteem continues to fight against me,

Wanting to bring me down,

Enjoying being my worst enemy.

Then there are my feelings and emotions,

Constantly laughing at me,

Confusing me,

Muddled up all inside of me.

They know there’s a serious disconnect,

Between my heart and my head,

Forcing me to consider what feelings are real,

What feelings are not,

Is my heart telling me that,

Or was it planted in my head?

I want to understand my feelings,

But I don’t know where to start,

I want to make sense of

What created that void in my heart.

I want to stop being so hard on myself,

Feeling stupid little jealousies,

I want to stop seeing the worst in people,

Thinking that it’s all about me.

No matter how many steps I take forward,

Something always seems to be holding me back,

Preventing me from being what I want to be,

Becoming the person I should be.


Frustration and annoyance fills me,

Because I’m aware of what’s going on,

But find myself lacking the capacity,

To truly move on.

What this shows me though,

Is that I’m still a work in progress;

Being moulded, shaped and polished,

Into a beautiful work of art.

That I’m not ashamed to admit.Barriers