Sad

A Much Needed Release

I really want to write something today.  In fact, I feel like I need to write something today.  I guess that there are a lot of pent-up feelings inside that need to be released and my beloved writing is my best outlet for that.

There are a number of things going on in my mind these days – more than I even want or would care to mention.  Sometimes they keep me from sleeping, sometimes they make me feel sad, and sometimes they simply remind me of a worse time.  That is one of the last things I want.

In all honesty, it is mostly my crowdfunding campaign that is occupying my thoughts and draining my energy little by little.  I desperately want it to succeed and reach as many individuals as possible, but man is it hard work.  I knew it was going to be hard, but I could never have imagined just how difficult this task would be.  I’m putting it in God’s hands though and I know that with Him I will succeed – I mean, with God for me who can be against me.

I’m finding myself thinking about my late grandad and aunty a lot recently as well and I’m not sure why.  All I know is that I keep thinking about when I lost them or their funerals or how much I miss them, and it hurts my heart.  Tears spring to my eyes and emotion builds up inside of me, knowing that I have to live the rest of my life without them.  I don’t think I’ll ever fully get past that.

Then there is a situation with a certain friend of mine, which has been causing me a lot of frustration and sometimes upset.  Certain things need to be raised with him, but I don’t know how to do it and I don’t want to cause any unnecessary unrest in his life.  I keep putting it off, even though I know the conversation needs to be had and the whole situation has been bothering me without his knowledge.  I hate rocking the boat, but I don’t like unresolved issues in my relationships with those I am close to, especially when it makes me start feeling like a fake.  I also can’t have situations negatively effecting my emotional wellbeing and not doing anything about it, because that’s not healthy.  I just need to somehow have this conversation.

And then there is a certain someone who has made a surprise reappearance in my life and wants to pick up where they left off, but cannot be relied upon or trusted.  I’ve been here before with them and they’ve completely left my life, without warning or explanation.  I know this could easily happen again, which is why I don’t want any attachment to form, but this person unfortunately always finds a way of getting into my head and I hate it.  I am planning to keep my distance though and let them talk to me when they want, because I refuse to repeat the mistakes of my past and feel hurt, rejection and confusion.  I’m done with all of that.

There are many more things on my mind, but like I said, I don’t want or care to mention them all.  I’ve expressed what I’ve wanted to express, which feels like a burden lifted, although my head is still throbbing a little.  I think I just need a holiday.

Putting My Big Heart to Good Use

Ninety-five per cent of the time, I love people.  I genuinely love them with all my heart – I love spending time with them, engaging in conversation with them and showing them care.  It’s important for me that every person feels loved, cared about and listened to, because it’s horrible when you’re not or don’t feel that you are.  As I’ve said before, I never want anyone to feel the loneliness I feel or as out-of-place as I feel – it’s a horrible feeling to have.

Over the past week, I’ve put that love of people to good use by volunteering at the homeless shelter the religious denomination I’m part of puts on each year.  I’ve wanted to volunteer since it started, but I finally took the time to volunteer this year, which is a natural continuation of the time I’ve spent volunteering at the soup kitchen at the church I attend.

I began to look forward to going the shelter more each day, as I got to know some of the guests through numerous conversations.  It’s nice to watch them getting more and more comfortable with you, feeling able to share their stories and reveal more of themselves.  I personally believe that it is an honour when individuals share their stories with you, as they’re giving you an insight into their lives when you’re a perfect stranger.

However, I also know that some individuals just want the opportunity to have someone to talk to and I’m glad to provide a listening ear.  Sometimes that simple act is all that’s needed to get through to someone or brighten up their day.  After all, God’s given me two ears to listen with and I want to ensure that I’m putting them to good use.

I also want to ensure that I’m putting my big heart to good use, because God’s given it to me for a reason and I don’t want to waste it, especially when so many are in need of love and affection.  I hope that I was able to spread some love, affection and cheer during my short time spent with the guests, which they’ll take with them in the future.

Being a part of the shelter was a really special experience and I’m eager to volunteer when it opens up again at the end of the year – I miss the guests already and it’s only been about a day since I last saw them.  I made some new friends and met some sweet people who have unfortunately ended up in difficult circumstances – I just hope they’re able to find their feet soon and get themselves into some sort of home of their own.  But most of all, I hope that they remember they are more than homeless and each of them are special individuals.

It breaks my heart to think that these individuals have gone from just over a week of warmth, shelter and feeding back into the cold, cruel streets of London.  I wish that there was more I could do to help each and every one of them, so they never have to be homeless again.  No one should ever have to be homeless and hungry, especially in a first world country like the UK.  It sickens and saddens me – we need to do more to put a stop to it.

No Idea Why

I hate when I feel like this.

Sad, low, easily irritated, a little depressed; but with no idea why.

My body is overcome with feelings and negative emotions torture my heart, yet I have no idea where it’s stemming from and that is frustrating.

I’m so done with these random dreary outbursts, which put me in the strangest moods and make me feel terrible about myself.

I start feeling ugly, like a failure, hating myself and hating life.

However, I have begun to see one common thread – these feelings now kick in when an event I’m hosting is coming up, as if my body is immediately fearing failure before it happens.

It seems that fear is now gaining control of me, despite how much I may try to fight it and that is disturbing in a sense.

Why does it feel that no matter how many steps I take forward, I’m always taking multiple steps back?

This is why I get so tired of fighting, because it seems like a futile action at times.

It’s as if I’ll be stuck in this droll for the rest of my days, struggling with it mostly alone, because I’m sure the people in my life must get tired of hearing about me being down and down on myself.

Nevertheless, there is one consolation – I know this dark cloud will eventually pass.