I really want to write something today. In fact, I feel like I need to write something today. I guess that there are a lot of pent-up feelings inside that need to be released and my beloved writing is my best outlet for that.
There are a number of things going on in my mind these days – more than I even want or would care to mention. Sometimes they keep me from sleeping, sometimes they make me feel sad, and sometimes they simply remind me of a worse time. That is one of the last things I want.
In all honesty, it is mostly my crowdfunding campaign that is occupying my thoughts and draining my energy little by little. I desperately want it to succeed and reach as many individuals as possible, but man is it hard work. I knew it was going to be hard, but I could never have imagined just how difficult this task would be. I’m putting it in God’s hands though and I know that with Him I will succeed – I mean, with God for me who can be against me.
I’m finding myself thinking about my late grandad and aunty a lot recently as well and I’m not sure why. All I know is that I keep thinking about when I lost them or their funerals or how much I miss them, and it hurts my heart. Tears spring to my eyes and emotion builds up inside of me, knowing that I have to live the rest of my life without them. I don’t think I’ll ever fully get past that.
Then there is a situation with a certain friend of mine, which has been causing me a lot of frustration and sometimes upset. Certain things need to be raised with him, but I don’t know how to do it and I don’t want to cause any unnecessary unrest in his life. I keep putting it off, even though I know the conversation needs to be had and the whole situation has been bothering me without his knowledge. I hate rocking the boat, but I don’t like unresolved issues in my relationships with those I am close to, especially when it makes me start feeling like a fake. I also can’t have situations negatively effecting my emotional wellbeing and not doing anything about it, because that’s not healthy. I just need to somehow have this conversation.
And then there is a certain someone who has made a surprise reappearance in my life and wants to pick up where they left off, but cannot be relied upon or trusted. I’ve been here before with them and they’ve completely left my life, without warning or explanation. I know this could easily happen again, which is why I don’t want any attachment to form, but this person unfortunately always finds a way of getting into my head and I hate it. I am planning to keep my distance though and let them talk to me when they want, because I refuse to repeat the mistakes of my past and feel hurt, rejection and confusion. I’m done with all of that.
There are many more things on my mind, but like I said, I don’t want or care to mention them all. I’ve expressed what I’ve wanted to express, which feels like a burden lifted, although my head is still throbbing a little. I think I just need a holiday.