Perfect Peace

People have consistently been asking me how I’ve been since I got baptised on the 23rd March.  I say it’s just been life, because it has been, but I haven’t really gone into it in-depth.  This poem, though, says everything.

If God were to take my breath from me today, I think I’d be content.
Laid back comfortably on the bed that is nothing but a source of joy
Listening to the songs that have warmed my soul.

Having become the director of an organisation and collated a collection of poems
Facilitated creative activities and gained friends from all walks of life,
Grown as a person and performed in a spoken word show
Found purpose, discovered myself and made my way into a career I love.

Most of all, I developed a beautiful relationship with my Creator, Saviour and King
Studied His word and had amazing conversations in abundance,
Became better through Him, before giving my life wholly to Him.

I’ve also poured myself out, over and over, rarely ever re-filled
Often barely standing or getting through the day,
Dreading minutes and hours I have to be among others, smiling in their faces.

Tired of being drawn from and pulled on by countless sources, expecting free labour consistent
Drained by the state of our contaminated world, forever breaking my heart
Exhausted from trying to remain happy and positive, everyone sees me beaming
Fatigued by friends who turn out not to be friends, repeatedly out-of-place;
I feel I may have reached my peak and am giving from an empty well
Cos I’m blind to envisioning, it’s covered in black, unable to see a future for myself.

I’m ready to embrace sweet sleep where I won’t be used, stressed or hurt
No longer tired of being tired and fighting with myself,
Won’t have to wrestle with not feeling good enough or that I’m insignificant on this earth
Because I’ll finally be at perfect peace; seeing, hearing, feeling     nothing.

Shaniqua Benjamin

You Saw Me

You saw me;

You looked past my smile,

The one you said was beautiful,

And you saw me;

Looking past the mask

I wear so well,

You saw me.

You saw the sadness,

The pain I’ve felt,

All the heartbreak and anguish,

Going deeper than the surface

And seeing into my soul;

Not like so many others,

Who say I’m always happy,

You saw me,

The real me —

The real me

That most don’t get the chance,

Or take the time to see.

You saw me,

Taking me by surprise

In a way no one ever has before;

Instantly that connection was made.

Conversation flowed,

Stories were shared,

Somehow I opened up,

I never thought I would again.

You saw me,

Accepted me for everything I am,

Made me smile, cry and laugh,

Start believing I could open my heart again.

So much more

I wish I could have said to you,

But the past is the past;

I plan to meet you once more,

As you’re in my heart forever

And my love for you will always last,

Because you who saw me.

Blessings on Blessings

God is truly blessing me.

I could have written those five words alone and it would have said enough, because it simply states how God is working in my life.  After praying and asking Him for a new job a couple of weeks ago, my God sent the ideal position just days later.  After spending a whole lot of time gaining motivation from Him, last week I successfully held my first youth forum.  Despite worrying at times, I remembered to have faith and put everything in God’s hands, which was the best thing to do, because He had my back without fail.

However, there was an even bigger turning point in our relationship, when I spent a lengthy time on my knees speaking to Him about countless aspects of my life and my need of not only help, but guidance from Him.  God gave me some great answers and I came out of that prayer session rejuvenated, ready to stop living in fear and take on the world, because I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

I knew that it was time for me to show more love and respect for myself, which meant not letting people treat me any way they pleased or staying silent when something in my relationships is bothering me or causing me pain.  I knew that it was time to do what needs to be done and say what needs to be said, rather than hesitating and leaving everything until tomorrow.  It was time for me to get really positive and not let others validate my life anymore.  I truly realised that it is only what God thinks that matters.

One of the main things for me to do was speak to one of the friends who had inadvertently been causing me pain and cut ties with him for a while, because there is only so much my heart can take.  After talking to God about how to handle the situation, He made me realise that calling my friend was the best thing to do, rather than engaging in yet another WhatsApp conversation.

It took a lot of courage to override my fear, but I prayed again and made the phone call.  Let’s just say that the conversation with my friend went even better than I could have imagined.  He responded in a way that I would want anyone I have a problem with to respond, and we were able to have a great conversation after a long time of not properly speaking.  My friend is a beautiful person, but I know that God had a real hand in that.

My God is pouring blessings on blessings onto my life and I’m extremely grateful.  As I’ve said before, I’m not even going to try and express my thanks, because no words would be enough.  I just love Him so, so much.