Quiet

Staying Quiet

Yesterday, a friend of mine who had not been around for a while asked me why I was so quiet, saying that I used to be the life and soul, or something like that.  Another one of my friends responded by saying that I matured, but I wouldn’t say that’s it, although getting older and slightly wiser may have a minor part to play.

First off, it has a lot to do with me not being the same person I was all those years ago.  I’m more in tune with who I am now, so I don’t feel the need to be overly excited and bubbly to hide my insecurities or attract attention from those around me.  I prefer to sit quietly observing, speaking when I have something to say and receiving attention based on who I genuinely am, rather than the act I put on so you don’t see the real me.

Another reason for my quietness is the state of mind I’m in at the moment.  I’m already someone who doesn’t like speaking for the sake of it, but when I’m going through one of my darker periods, I’ll say fewer words until I feel really convicted to say something.  I don’t want to shut myself off from the world and not give time to the people I love, because that would go against my new mantra, which involves me trying to stay more connected to others and give more of my time, just like my late uncle and grandad.  Nevertheless, I don’t think I’ll be able to be fully happy and chatty when around them – not for now anyway.

To tell you the truth, my mind isn’t really here half of the time and the whole of me is fighting to stay alive.  There are times when I may be quiet, because I’m there in body but not in any way else.  I’ll smile and speak when needed so you wouldn’t know.

And if I’m being perfectly honest, I’m not around that particular group of friends so much any more or I’ve felt shut out from certain sub-groups that have formed, so there are times when I will feel a little uncomfortable or out-of-place.  I also tend to feel like an outsider anyway, so that doesn’t help.

That is why I’m quiet and why I probably always will be quiet – unless I feel passionate about a subject or have something to say.  Talking isn’t something I’m going to be doing a whole lot of anymore.

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Quiet, Dry Humour and a Great Personality

A couple of weeks ago, I finally met up with my Textiles girlies after about of a year of not seeing them.  As I mentioned before, my two years spent studying A-level Textiles was one of the best periods in my life and the beautiful ladies that were in my class will have a special place in my heart forever.

Another one of those ladies is a fellow shorty like me, which you know makes me feel good.  Nevertheless, she seems to make up for her small stature with amazingly long hair.  The length it reached during sixth form amazed me and I actually think that her hair was about half the length of her.

Just like all of my Textiles friends, she makes me laugh, but she humours me in a different way.  She has some of the driest wit you will ever come across, which is great, because by simply looking at her, you would never expect her to be so funny.

During our classes, she would deliver classic lines in a dead pan voice, which added to the moment.  I don’t think any of us will forget the moment when she threw down a friend’s sketchbook that she had found and said, “It’s yours”, with no expression, because one of us asked if the sketchbook she’d found was actually hers.

She is a quiet person of few words, but she has a great personality and I know that she really does have a lot to say.  She also created some of the most amazing work in Textiles and I could see that she has a gift, which would have taken her far if she decided to study a subject in the field of fashion, but she is excelling in her current career.

I am so proud of her and I know that she will continue to do amazingly well in whatever she pursues in life.  As I told her last time I saw her, she’s got a very level head on her shoulders, which will serve her in good stead.  Did I also mention that I gave her a great nickname which suits her to the tee?  I just love her so much.

Uncomfortable

I hate feeling uncomfortable.  It can make me feel annoyed or upset.  It makes me feel less confident, more self-conscious and prevents me from being myself.

When I find myself in an uncomfortable situation or feeling uncomfortable around certain people, I become a quieter individual and there is a part of me that automatically shuts down.

I’ve found that I no longer feel comfortable around most people and in a number of settings, which was not the case for me before.  There are now only a small number of people who I feel completely with, especially when I spend time with them one-on-one.

What makes it worse is that I feel like I don’t fit in this world and that there are many occasions when I am being left out, which is being rubbed in my face.

This is why I feel most comfortable with the individuals in my life who make time for me, who I have a connection with, who make me feel loved and special, who genuinely care and who make it clear about where I stand with them.

I hate feeling uncomfortable and I don’t want to be continuously feeling this way, but it is something that I’m just going to have to deal with and work through.  I’m just glad that there are at least some people in my life that I feel comfortable with.