Purpose

Dreaded 25

Next Tuesday, I’m turning 25 and I am absolutely dreading it.  Everyone asks why or is very surprised, but the dread of getting older can’t be that shocking can it?  I was feeling my age since I turned 24 last year and although 24 is still young, I don’t feel young anymore.  Don’t let this baby face fool you – I’m an old soul and my body feels like it’s breaking down at times too.

In all honesty, it’s not even the dread of getting older that is the biggest issue, even though I’ll be the first to admit I don’t like growing up anymore.  Turning 25 also means I’m halfway to 30 now and that actually scares me.  Imagine, responding to the question of how old are you with 30!  That’s just mad.

However, my main issue is where I find my life at 25.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done a whole lot in the past few years and there are so many things I can be proud of.  I’ve found my true purpose and I genuinely love what I do, despite the difficulties it throws at me, but this isn’t where I intended to be.

I know that I cannot control everything and I’ve had to relinquish the majority of my control over the years, but if my life was going to plan – my original plan that is – I would be in the process of setting up my fashion business by now.  I would have gained some years of experience after graduating and I’d be preparing to branch out on my own.

Ideally, I’d be married or even engaged, preparing to get married at 25, not flying solo with no prospects and giving up on love entirely.  I should be in talks with my husband right now about having kids, not giving up on the idea of ever having kids on my own.  And I should have been closer to having my own home.

It is funny though, because although I’m not in the process of setting up a fashion business, I am in the process of setting up a business; just in a totally different field.  And even though I’d hate to admit it, there is no way I should be married at this time of my life, because I am so messed up and not at the stage where I’m ready to simply be in a relationship – marriage would be too big of a step.

I may want to be further along than I am, but life has thrown me countless curve-balls and I’m on a journey of growth that I cannot rush.  I need to procrastinate a lot less, but I cannot hurry along the growth and learning within myself.  What I would like though, is a time machine so that I could be the beautiful age of 22 again, take the leap into certain areas of my life rather than living in fear, and rectify some of my silly mistakes.

Did I mention that I hate getting older?

A New Perspective

It’s interesting how something can just hit you, when you’re least expecting it, bringing a whole new perspective.  That’s what happened to me today, when God spoke to me unexpectedly through my Sabbath School Lesson.

Studying about the Holy Spirit has been extremely interesting to me so far, revealing new things about this element of the Godhead to me and how it impacts our lives.  However, today’s particular lesson spoke to me on another level, as it dwelt on the effect that the Holy Spirit has on our thoughts and actions, giving “evidence of God’s work in us”.

Reading through and taking in what the writer expressed about the Holy Spirit influencing some of the thoughts that we have and the acts of kindness we carry out, brought me back to my purpose and the mission God has set out for me.  It helped me to understand the overwhelming tugging on my heart, urging me to go out and make a difference in the world.   It allowed me to think about where my sense of good comes from.  In a way, it showed me why I view aspects of the world differently to others.

I’ve been asking God to speak to me and show me if I’m following the path He’s set out for me – I want to be sure that I’m doing the right thing and moving in step with Him, as I’ve made too many mistakes simply by being out of step with Him.  Getting an answer had been a struggle, but as soon as I studied today’s lesson, the answer was laid out clear to me.  A big smile lit up my face as I became exceedingly glad, thankful that God speaks to me in a variety of ways and that He will always give me an answer, even if it takes a little longer than I would like.

There are times when I wrestle with my purpose or find myself doubting the ability to embrace my calling, but I know that it is what God has set out for me and I trust Him.  He would never give me more than I can handle and with Him by my side I am more than a conqueror.  Now it’s up to me to keep on believing that.

Fighting Failure

Failure.

Failure.

Failure.

Failure,

Rings out in my mind,

Poisoning me

From the inside out;

Infecting the positivity,

Any belief in me,

In my abilities.

Never an ‘A’

But an ‘F’

Plus, lack of support,

Loss of motivation,

Confusion of my mission.

Failure;

Leading onto uselessness,

Like what I’m doing is pointless,

Meaning nothing,

Making no impact,

Slowly chugging on,

But moving nowhere,

Despite my best efforts;

I wonder why I try and try,

Feeling like I’m dying inside.

Stresses and hurt killing me,

Melancholy weighs down on me,

Don’t know why I’m sad,

My head’s empty,

But heart’s heavy,

Longing for it all stop

Effective immediately;

Wishing I had no purpose,

No calling,

Would make it simpler

When working,

Feeling I need to head in one direction,

Is causing me affliction.

“Make it stop,” I beg,

But life still carries on,

My emotions persist,

Dragging me along,

Knocking my head

At every turn,

Making death feel closer,

For which I sometimes yearn,

But then remembering,

I’ve got more to give yet,

Still things to do,

My story needs an end.