So They Never Feel How I Feel

For some reason, I am overcome with emotion and a sense of care when I see people sitting alone.  If someone’s eating by themself in a restaurant, I get the instant urge to want to join them, even though I’m sure most of them are perfectly fine.

My friends at church tend to find me a little weird when I approach and start speaking to strangers who are sitting on their own, but I see nothing wrong with it.  In fact, I think it’s the right thing to do — as Christians, aren’t we supposed to make everyone feel welcome.

It’s not only at church where I approach people who are sitting or standing alone though.  I do it in a number of places, as long as I’m feeling comfortable and in the right mood to talk.  And do you know why?  Because I never want anyone to feel the way that I feel.

I’m someone who struggles with being confident in a social setting, when I am simply being me.  I’m fine with being at an event for a purpose, like when I’m going to write a review, because sitting alone makes some sense and talking to people for an interview is easier, as the questions are set.  I’m fine being out on the floor dancing, because I don’t have to speak to anyone and there’s nothing wrong with dancing by yourself.  However, I find starting conversations, and at times carrying conversations, with people extremely difficult.

If I don’t know anyone or am not part of a group, I will sit awkwardly on my own, not knowing what to do or where to look.  It becomes very lonely, very quickly, as there are only so many things you can look at on your phone (well, for me anyway).  I want to be able to say something, but no words come to my mind.  I want to be able to approach people, but I don’t want to intrude on their group, so the only thing to do is sit (or stand) alone.

I’ve never been one of the cool kids and I never will be — I’ve always been the awkward loner or nerd who wants to get on with their work — and I’m fine with that.  However, feeling out-of-place and like you don’t fit in can be upsetting, and I hate that.

I approach individuals who are on their own and make the effort to make everyone I meet feel welcome, because as I said before, I never want anyone to feel the way that I feel.  Feeling like a spare part, someone left on the sidelines, is horrible and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

So to all the people who have approached me and made me feel comfortable, welcome, or at ease, I want to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart.  You made me feel like I wasn’t alone.

A Real Annoyance

I find searching for phones a real annoyance. I am not a techy person and I hate having to look for new gadgets to replace the old ones in my possession, such as digital cameras and of course, mobile phones.

I will keep hold of something until it is of no good use anymore, simply because I like the item in my possession and I have grown accustomed to it.  I am someone who is happy being comfortable with something and you know how much I struggle with change, which is probably why I hold onto things for so long.

My mobile phone is currently sick, preventing me from going on phone calls or sending voice notes.  The microphone is gone, probably due to old age and the many times that I have dropped my it.  I need a new phone, because making and receiving calls are actually very important and I am currently unable to do that.

However, I hate having to sift through phones to find out which one I actually want, before then having to search for the best possible price for the phone I would want.  It is something that frustrates me and slightly baffles my mind, so I try to avoid it and pass the process on to someone else, who probably has more knowledge than I do.

I also don’t like conforming to the norm, so I prefer to go for phones that people around me are unlikely to have, which in a way makes the price more affordable.  I do have a phone in mind and hopefully it will be pink, because I’ve missed having a pink phone (I’m girly like that).  It is just an annoying process, which I simply wish that I could skip altogether.

My Own Worst Enemy

It is incredibly frustrating being my own worst enemy, but what is worse is that I cannot seem to stop warring with myself.  No matter how hard I try, I find myself fighting internally, which just drags me down.

I have spent a lot of time blaming other people and other factors, when it really all comes down to me.  Yes, people have hurt me and I have struggled with certain situations, but I have allowed myself to be badly effected by the actions of others and I have put myself in some stupid situations.  I have made bad decisions, I have told myself that I mean nothing and I have convinced myself that I am always the problem.

Most of my negative feelings have been fabricated in my mind, as no one has actually said those things directly to me.  I expect constant high standards of myself and when I don’t reach those standards or get what I want, I put myself down and find ways to feel worthless.  I want everyone to like me, accept me and respond well to me, but I start closing myself off when that doesn’t happen.

Over the years, I have built up walls and closed myself off, which has made me a quieter and smaller version of myself.  My self-esteem has dropped and my confidence has diminished drastically, preventing me from being truly happy and reaching the potential that so many individuals can see in me.  It’s as if all those around me can see the good, except me.

I have known for a long time that I am my own worst enemy, but realising that it is the cause of so many of my problems is a great move in the right direction, because I can do something about it.  However, what is difficult is trying to overcome it, as I don’t really have an idea of how to do that.  I know that it all starts with having faith in God and sitting at His feet, but where do I go from there?

Overcoming my battle with self is essential, because it is seriously holding me back.  It is preventing me from getting up and doing things that I have every intention of doing.  It is stopping me from going out, being brave and speaking to the young people that I need to speak to.  It is putting a halt to me making a real difference, and I really don’t want that.

Again, this is about me being a work in progress and I am glad that God is working in my life, but this is an issue that needs to be fixed as soon as possible.  I hate being my own worst enemy and it is extremely tiring now, because I want to be so much more than the person I am and finally be the person that God wants me to be.