Dreaded 25

Next Tuesday, I’m turning 25 and I am absolutely dreading it.  Everyone asks why or is very surprised, but the dread of getting older can’t be that shocking can it?  I was feeling my age since I turned 24 last year and although 24 is still young, I don’t feel young anymore.  Don’t let this baby face fool you – I’m an old soul and my body feels like it’s breaking down at times too.

In all honesty, it’s not even the dread of getting older that is the biggest issue, even though I’ll be the first to admit I don’t like growing up anymore.  Turning 25 also means I’m halfway to 30 now and that actually scares me.  Imagine, responding to the question of how old are you with 30!  That’s just mad.

However, my main issue is where I find my life at 25.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done a whole lot in the past few years and there are so many things I can be proud of.  I’ve found my true purpose and I genuinely love what I do, despite the difficulties it throws at me, but this isn’t where I intended to be.

I know that I cannot control everything and I’ve had to relinquish the majority of my control over the years, but if my life was going to plan – my original plan that is – I would be in the process of setting up my fashion business by now.  I would have gained some years of experience after graduating and I’d be preparing to branch out on my own.

Ideally, I’d be married or even engaged, preparing to get married at 25, not flying solo with no prospects and giving up on love entirely.  I should be in talks with my husband right now about having kids, not giving up on the idea of ever having kids on my own.  And I should have been closer to having my own home.

It is funny though, because although I’m not in the process of setting up a fashion business, I am in the process of setting up a business; just in a totally different field.  And even though I’d hate to admit it, there is no way I should be married at this time of my life, because I am so messed up and not at the stage where I’m ready to simply be in a relationship – marriage would be too big of a step.

I may want to be further along than I am, but life has thrown me countless curve-balls and I’m on a journey of growth that I cannot rush.  I need to procrastinate a lot less, but I cannot hurry along the growth and learning within myself.  What I would like though, is a time machine so that I could be the beautiful age of 22 again, take the leap into certain areas of my life rather than living in fear, and rectify some of my silly mistakes.

Did I mention that I hate getting older?

Bit of a Mess

My life is starting to feel like a bit of a mess right now; in fact, it feels like a right joke in some respects.

I feel like I am trying to do too much, which then results in me doing too little, as I get overwhelmed and struggle with managing my time in the best possible way.

As I am trying to transition from the thought process to actually taking action, I find myself getting muddled and unsure about the necessary steps to take.  My mind is running away from me, as it jumps from one idea to another.  However, one thing I’ve realised amongst all this mess is that I really need a mentor.

Although I know what I want to do, I am getting confused about where to go and how to get there, which is messing me up.  I also find that possible opportunities are being snatched away from me before they even start, which is proving a hinderance and also messing me up.

I know that God has a plan for me – that is one thing I am sure of – but I am confused about how He has set this plan out and what steps He wants me to take.  I am struggling to hear his voice and understand the way that He wants me to go, which is throwing me off and making me a little unhappy.  I need to hear from my God right now and get some sort of sign, as I believe that it would really help me out.

And please do not get me started on males.  That subject is just a complete joke, which I will fill you in on in a future blog post.  I seriously believe that I am destined to be single at this point in my life; in fact, I don’t think that I should be dating anyone.

All in all, I feel like I am up in the air right now and I don’t know when I’m going to come down.  I just know that I need help from my loving God to sort out this mess.  I certainly can’t do it on my own.

A Great Plan

God has a great plan in store for me.  I know that I have said this to you a few times, but I am sure of it.

My God is going to do something real great for me, real soon.  I can feel it.

Although things in my life are not perfect, even though I am broken and struggling through, trying to pursue my writing career with no job, I know that God is working something out right now.  I know this, because God has always got my back and He knows how to create good from the bad.

When I cried all those tears and shouted out in anger to God over Him not allowing me to find a work placement after all of the searching and hard work I had put in, He was patient with me and made the way for me to see that fashion was not the route for me.  I had been avoiding that fact all throughout my university life, as I continuously tried to fight for something I had spent so long planning and trying to control.

God had to take action to ensure that I would make the changes He knew I needed to make my life better, and I’m so glad that He did.

Not finding a placement was one small part of my life – although it seemed huge at the time – that set the wheels in motion for the new stage of my life where I let God take control and guide me to where I need to be.

So even though I may not be in the easiest place right now, I can be assured that God is still at work and the plan He has set in place for me will be great.