People

I Want to Get Away

I want to get away.  I desperately need to get away from here and not return – at least not for a very long time.  I’m falling out of love with the home I once loved so much, the love beginning to turn into disdain and frustration.

I know getting away won’t solve my problems, but at least I’ll be away from some of them and able to start anew.  I just want to forget everything, stop doing everything and basically run away from everything.  Maybe that’s the weak way out, but I actually don’t care.  I’m fed up.  Yeah, I said it, I’m fed up and annoyed and tired.

Frustratingly, I say that I’m tired a lot – psychically, mentally and emotionally – but unfortunately, that is often the case.  I’m also very tired of people and becoming increasingly annoyed by them – it seems that I’m leaning more towards the hate side of my love/hate relationship with people at the moment.  I don’t want to be tired of people, I really don’t, and I want to be nice; but the way I just can’t take people sometimes.  Especially at this time in my life.

Like Lenny Kravitz said, “I want to get away, I want to fly away”.  I want to fly somewhere far and get away from all my responsibilities, relax my mind and heal my heart.  But I guess that ‘s just too much to ask.

Disbelief in Fairy Tales & Love

I’ve always been a sucker for fairy tales – the Disney fairy tales, not the twisted ones in the books.  I loved the happy endings and watching two people fall in love.  I desperately wanted that – the happy ending and to fall in love with the one.

I dreamed, and dreamed, and dreamed of getting married.  Getting my perfect ring, wearing a beautiful white dress, walking down the aisle with my bouquet, my bridesmaids in their pink or red dresses, seeing my husband’s smiling face, the reception, the whole works.  I then dreamed of the happy life with my husband, where we had our own beautiful family.  Yet dreams come crashing down and fairy tales are just that – they’re tales, nothing real.

I don’t believe in happy endings or love anymore – at least not for me.  I don’t believe that I will ever find the one or get married.  It’s looking like I’m destined for the eternal single life, allowing me to focus solely on my work and changing the world, until I decide I’m ready to foster children.  That’s right, I’ve given up on having children of my own too, because why should I want to bring a child into a world I despise and don’t want to be living in myself.

I’ve tried to hold on to hope and believe that love will happen for me – and I mean proper reciprocated love – but I genuinely do not believe it exists.  I’ve given up all hope, but that’s alright, because God is with me and He is the love of my life.  You have to understand that I’ve tried, but my last involvement with someone was the last straw.

I was stupid.  Yet again, making dumb mistakes I know I shouldn’t have made.  Retracted on myself and did what I said I wouldn’t do.  I let myself get attached, allowed myself to actually like him, when I said I would do neither of these things.  I didn’t want to do either of these things; I didn’t intend to do either of these things; but I did and I know I’m paying the price for that.

Although he said he was different (one of the first of his many empty words), he turned out to be just like the rest.  Wanting to rush into things, not wanting to properly date, spewing empty words and promises like word vomit, working his magic and getting me to like him before doing a disappearing act.  He acted like a boy, even though he thinks he’s a man, and I continued to make excuses for him.  I mean, how stupid was I?  But no more.

I want to be there for him, not give up on him, give him unconditional support.  Because whether I like it or not, he’s in my heart and I don’t think that is going to change anytime soon.  However, I’m not sure if I can do it without having feelings get in the way.  I guess I’m just going to have to pray for him from afar, because his presence in my life is becoming toxic and I don’t need that.  I’m already suffocating and struggling to hold on to any breath I have left.

But I guess that’s life.  People come and people go.  People hurt you and break your hurt.  People act as lessons, and it’s painful, but it will get better eventually.  At least that’s what I have to believe and tell myself to stay sane.  What I do know, is that I should have stuck to my guns, closed off my heart and not allowed myself to get feelings, which is now going to be the case going forward.  I don’t intend to have feelings for anyone ever again – I hate feelings anyway.

I’m not a naive little girl anymore.  I can see that certain people are only in your life for a season, that marriage is not a definite and Disney fairy tales are simply entertainment, filling your head with false ideals that are unlikely to ever come true.  And to you Mr Charming, thanks for bringing me back to reality.

Putting My Big Heart to Good Use

Ninety-five per cent of the time, I love people.  I genuinely love them with all my heart – I love spending time with them, engaging in conversation with them and showing them care.  It’s important for me that every person feels loved, cared about and listened to, because it’s horrible when you’re not or don’t feel that you are.  As I’ve said before, I never want anyone to feel the loneliness I feel or as out-of-place as I feel – it’s a horrible feeling to have.

Over the past week, I’ve put that love of people to good use by volunteering at the homeless shelter the religious denomination I’m part of puts on each year.  I’ve wanted to volunteer since it started, but I finally took the time to volunteer this year, which is a natural continuation of the time I’ve spent volunteering at the soup kitchen at the church I attend.

I began to look forward to going the shelter more each day, as I got to know some of the guests through numerous conversations.  It’s nice to watch them getting more and more comfortable with you, feeling able to share their stories and reveal more of themselves.  I personally believe that it is an honour when individuals share their stories with you, as they’re giving you an insight into their lives when you’re a perfect stranger.

However, I also know that some individuals just want the opportunity to have someone to talk to and I’m glad to provide a listening ear.  Sometimes that simple act is all that’s needed to get through to someone or brighten up their day.  After all, God’s given me two ears to listen with and I want to ensure that I’m putting them to good use.

I also want to ensure that I’m putting my big heart to good use, because God’s given it to me for a reason and I don’t want to waste it, especially when so many are in need of love and affection.  I hope that I was able to spread some love, affection and cheer during my short time spent with the guests, which they’ll take with them in the future.

Being a part of the shelter was a really special experience and I’m eager to volunteer when it opens up again at the end of the year – I miss the guests already and it’s only been about a day since I last saw them.  I made some new friends and met some sweet people who have unfortunately ended up in difficult circumstances – I just hope they’re able to find their feet soon and get themselves into some sort of home of their own.  But most of all, I hope that they remember they are more than homeless and each of them are special individuals.

It breaks my heart to think that these individuals have gone from just over a week of warmth, shelter and feeding back into the cold, cruel streets of London.  I wish that there was more I could do to help each and every one of them, so they never have to be homeless again.  No one should ever have to be homeless and hungry, especially in a first world country like the UK.  It sickens and saddens me – we need to do more to put a stop to it.