People

Special Group of People

Yesterday was my final day on a project encompassing a series of creative sessions and workshops that came to mean a lot more to me than a job and I am going to miss very much.  How I was even able to get this job came as a result of a sequence of events that began with me simply being vocal and putting myself out there, but that is a subject for an entirely different blog post.

I first became acquainted with Mitcham Library last September as a facilitator for the Young People’s Laureate for London Tour, which was a wow moment to say the least, as I stepped into a library atmosphere I had never seen before.  Faced with a group of young people that were unlike any I had ever worked with, I knew that I had to take a particular approach to engage them and get at least some activities done in a workshop.  Fortunately, the approach I took led to me working with a group of young people that were very engaged, despite the number being small – this had to be the case though if we were going to get work done.

I thoroughly enjoyed working with them from the get-go and was given a quick reminder to not judge a book by its cover – these individuals will never be what you expect.  When I was given the opportunity to return to Mitcham Library as part of the tour, I jumped at the chance, as I wanted to follow through on the work I’d started.  I never imagined that I would be offered a long-term job opportunity at the library, but that’s what happened and I am so glad it did.

Not only was I going to get paid for doing what I loved – getting creative and working with young people – but I was going to have the chance to get to know these particular young people more and hopefully have some sort of positive impact in their lives.  I was ready and willing, although I knew it would not be the easiest of tasks and it ended up being one of the most unpredictable projects I have ever worked on.

I have loved it though, more than I can describe, and I was really sad when it came to an end yesterday.  I have genuinely looked forward to going into work every single week, and I missed being there the weeks that I was away – I’m really going to miss going there now that it’s over.  I love these young people, who have had a bigger impact on my life then I think they realise.  They have made me a better person and challenged my mindset even further, while helping me to find an affection for teenagers that replaced the disdain I had from them.

Week on week, I was cracked up with laughter and involved in some seriously interesting conversations.  I was blown away by their intelligence and impressed by the potential seen in most of them, which I hope they are able to tap into.  Slowly, I began to see barriers breaking down and trust being built, which I wish we could build on further, as six months wasn’t enough time to fully engage this group – they only got used to us more recently.

I adore my Mitcham Library Crew – the name affectionately given to the participants of the music workshop – and I was beyond proud of their growth over time, especially those who were brave enough to take to the stage and perform in Wimbledon Library.  They quickly became some of my favourite people, particularly my partner in crime, Conrad.  Everyone had a special part to play, including one girl who never got involved with the any of the music related activities, but would regularly come to simply support her friend – it would not have been the same without her.

And then there was drama, that varied to big groups playing games, to drama activities with four individuals, to in-depth chats with just one young person.  You never knew what you were going to get, but my drama partner, Rachael, and I enjoyed it all the same.  Some of the best conversations were had in those sessions and that is when I was able to develop a deeper understanding with a truly special young man who is going to do great things some day.

Being around all of the library staff was great too, engaging in conversations with them while having their support and expertise.  They were all lovely and greatly encouraging, but I have to give a special mention to the lovely Caprice, who would always chat to me and Rachael as we waited for Drama to begin, and also the wonderful Kurtis for a number of reasons.  Special mention to Sarah and Priyanka too.

Hopefully I’ll be able to do some work in Mitcham Library again, but for now I’ll just have to do with making visits to see the group of people I have come to care about so much.  With determination, learning and support, these young people are going to go on to do great things and make me proud.  I will never forget them.

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I Want to Get Away

I want to get away.  I desperately need to get away from here and not return – at least not for a very long time.  I’m falling out of love with the home I once loved so much, the love beginning to turn into disdain and frustration.

I know getting away won’t solve my problems, but at least I’ll be away from some of them and able to start anew.  I just want to forget everything, stop doing everything and basically run away from everything.  Maybe that’s the weak way out, but I actually don’t care.  I’m fed up.  Yeah, I said it, I’m fed up and annoyed and tired.

Frustratingly, I say that I’m tired a lot – psychically, mentally and emotionally – but unfortunately, that is often the case.  I’m also very tired of people and becoming increasingly annoyed by them – it seems that I’m leaning more towards the hate side of my love/hate relationship with people at the moment.  I don’t want to be tired of people, I really don’t, and I want to be nice; but the way I just can’t take people sometimes.  Especially at this time in my life.

Like Lenny Kravitz said, “I want to get away, I want to fly away”.  I want to fly somewhere far and get away from all my responsibilities, relax my mind and heal my heart.  But I guess that ‘s just too much to ask.

Disbelief in Fairy Tales & Love

I’ve always been a sucker for fairy tales – the Disney fairy tales, not the twisted ones in the books.  I loved the happy endings and watching two people fall in love.  I desperately wanted that – the happy ending and to fall in love with the one.

I dreamed, and dreamed, and dreamed of getting married.  Getting my perfect ring, wearing a beautiful white dress, walking down the aisle with my bouquet, my bridesmaids in their pink or red dresses, seeing my husband’s smiling face, the reception, the whole works.  I then dreamed of the happy life with my husband, where we had our own beautiful family.  Yet dreams come crashing down and fairy tales are just that – they’re tales, nothing real.

I don’t believe in happy endings or love anymore – at least not for me.  I don’t believe that I will ever find the one or get married.  It’s looking like I’m destined for the eternal single life, allowing me to focus solely on my work and changing the world, until I decide I’m ready to foster children.  That’s right, I’ve given up on having children of my own too, because why should I want to bring a child into a world I despise and don’t want to be living in myself.

I’ve tried to hold on to hope and believe that love will happen for me – and I mean proper reciprocated love – but I genuinely do not believe it exists.  I’ve given up all hope, but that’s alright, because God is with me and He is the love of my life.  You have to understand that I’ve tried, but my last involvement with someone was the last straw.

I was stupid.  Yet again, making dumb mistakes I know I shouldn’t have made.  Retracted on myself and did what I said I wouldn’t do.  I let myself get attached, allowed myself to actually like him, when I said I would do neither of these things.  I didn’t want to do either of these things; I didn’t intend to do either of these things; but I did and I know I’m paying the price for that.

Although he said he was different (one of the first of his many empty words), he turned out to be just like the rest.  Wanting to rush into things, not wanting to properly date, spewing empty words and promises like word vomit, working his magic and getting me to like him before doing a disappearing act.  He acted like a boy, even though he thinks he’s a man, and I continued to make excuses for him.  I mean, how stupid was I?  But no more.

I want to be there for him, not give up on him, give him unconditional support.  Because whether I like it or not, he’s in my heart and I don’t think that is going to change anytime soon.  However, I’m not sure if I can do it without having feelings get in the way.  I guess I’m just going to have to pray for him from afar, because his presence in my life is becoming toxic and I don’t need that.  I’m already suffocating and struggling to hold on to any breath I have left.

But I guess that’s life.  People come and people go.  People hurt you and break your hurt.  People act as lessons, and it’s painful, but it will get better eventually.  At least that’s what I have to believe and tell myself to stay sane.  What I do know, is that I should have stuck to my guns, closed off my heart and not allowed myself to get feelings, which is now going to be the case going forward.  I don’t intend to have feelings for anyone ever again – I hate feelings anyway.

I’m not a naive little girl anymore.  I can see that certain people are only in your life for a season, that marriage is not a definite and Disney fairy tales are simply entertainment, filling your head with false ideals that are unlikely to ever come true.  And to you Mr Charming, thanks for bringing me back to reality.