Pain

A Letter to My Grandad

Grandad,

I can’t believe it’s been a year since you passed, time flies by so fast, yet it still feels surreal.  I don’t see you anymore and you’re not here, buried how many feet down in the ground; but it feels like you should still be here.  Not seeing you feels wrong.

Going to your house, it’s weird not having you greet me at the door with one of your famous lines or watch you slowly descending down the stairs.  It’s sad not seeing you at church on a Sabbath and not hearing from you on my birthday wasn’t nice.  In fact, not being able to tell you happy birthday wasn’t nice either – August is our month and it’s a whole lot emptier without you.

There are times when sitting there thinking about you, suddenly remembering that you’re gone, can bring me to tears.  However, there are times when those thoughts bring a smile to my face, as I remember all the good memories I have of you.  Simple little things I took for granted are no longer the same and I wish I could hear another one of your Burton jokes again – you genuinely did make me laugh.

I still miss you so much grandad, a whole twelve months later, and I still want you to come back.  The pain isn’t so raw, but I don’t think my heart will ever fully recover from having you taken away.  There was still so much more for us to say, so much more time for us to spend together and a whole lot more for me to learn from you.  I keep thinking about the joke you told me about Job’s daughters, which you never finished and I never heard the end of, which saddens me more than I can describe.

Grandad, you were my inspiration and my hero, one of the people I looked up to most in the world.  I just hope I can make you proud and continue your legacy, because you were the most humble, loving, genuinely caring, considerate individual I ever knew.  I can’t wait to see you again.

Love you with all my heart.

Shan-Shan

Riding The Two-Week Emotional Roller Coaster

Up, down,

Round and round,

Not knowing what to think,

What to feel,

Taking me on a roller coaster of emotions.

Riding that roller coaster

Over the past two weeks,

On a journey more special

Than I ever imagined.

Surrounded by friends,

Old and new,

Further developing my extended family,

I was encircled by love,

Filling my heart to the full,

Falling in love with all around me.

In spite of this love,

I felt a sadness,

Pain cutting through my heart

With no way to stop it.

Grief hit me,

A sense of loneliness overtook me,

Feeling hurt by somebody,

Like an outsider around everybody.

Taking some time out,

Some time to recuperate,

I began to heal, smile

Grow, learn,

Embrace all that was going on around me.

 

Suddenly, believing love was possible again,

Laying myself bare for all to see,

Gaining a better understanding of who I was,

And what I could really be.

Overcome with sadness to be going home,

But filled with happiness and glee,

It was time for this ride to come to an end,

It had become a little too much for me.

I finished this ride feeling

Like I had at the start,

A little unsure,

Quite out-of-place,

A little despondent at heart;

Not looking at some the same way,

Feeling a bond had been broken,

Confused at how I got someone so wrong,

But not surprised, as they are human.

My feelings may have been the same,

But I was different,

Reacting, handling things in a better way,

This emotional roller coaster was truly special,

No one can ever take that away.

Finally Able to Write

There’s been so much I’ve wanted to say, so many thoughts I’ve needed to express, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to write anything down.  Over the past month, I’ve found myself in a depressive state, where the world felt dark, I felt broken and what I loved doing most in the world no longer brought me joy or relief.

Writing is connected to my emotions, so if my emotions are out of whack, then I find myself unable to write.  However, I am usually able to write about my feelings, but I wasn’t even able to do that over this month.  For some reason, writing felt futile and my words did not seem like enough — they would not fix the pain I felt or make me feel any better about myself.

Losing my grandad has brought me more pain than I ever imagined and I feel like a part of my heart is now missing, buried deep in the ground with my grandad.  Not having his presence in my life is proving a lot to get used to, especially as I find myself doubting my own being.

I’ve not only found myself grieving over my grandad, but I’ve also lost a lot of belief in myself and begun doubting everything I set out to do.  Again, I thought of myself as not good enough, not capable, not up to the standards I set for myself.

I was tired of the world, ready to give up hope and isolate myself from everyone.  I didn’t want to interact with the people in my life, I didn’t want to see anyone and there was no way I was leaving my house unless I was going to work.  I simply wanted to be alone, because you can’t be hurt or let down that way, but that isolation just brought me more sadness.

As the dark cloud started to lift and people began saying things that seemed to relate to my situation, I saw that I couldn’t just give up because things weren’t going positively or the way that I wanted them to.  I refuse to be the person who walks away at the sign of failure, otherwise I’ll never be a success.

It’s not been easy and I know it’s not going to get any easier — it’s been a struggle adjusting back to reality and the thought of getting back out there is still daunting for me.  And last Friday, when I wrote for the first time since my grandad’s death, I found myself feeling strangely fearful, as if the right words wouldn’t come to me or as if I’d lost my writing mojo.  Yet once I did it, I felt good and realised that like most times, I had nothing to fear.

To sum it up, I’m a mess who’s trying to fight through and allow myself to be fixed by the God I love and trust.  However, I need to keep reminding myself of why I’m doing what I’m doing and not allow myself to give up, in spite of the failures, dark days, hurt and pain.  I just want to be the woman God intends for me to be and make my grandad proud, because I know he wanted the best for me.