More Than a Conqueror

There’s nothing worse than feeling sad and down, but having no idea where those feelings stem from.  These feelings strike me every now and then, just like they struck me this afternoon.  It does not help that we are now in autumn, which is the season when I find myself at my lowest.

However, I don’t want to keep letting autumn get me down and I refuse to keep getting myself down. I’m tired of always beating myself up and putting myself down and living in fear, because all it does is hold me back and I am more than a conqueror.

This evening, God reminded me that I am more than a conqueror, which I have proved time and time again over the years.  With his strength and arms wrapped around me, I have been able to overcome the struggles and trials that have brought me to my lowest and caused me great misery.  He also revealed an inner strength in me that I need to tap into more often.

I lack confidence, but God is rebuilding my confidence and moulding me into the person that He has always wanted me to be.  I am also learning who I am in God, which is a little difficult, but I know that I will become that person eventually.  I am also laying my burdens down at God’s feet as I develop my faith in Him, so that I can display the strong, deep-rooted, crazy faith like David in the Bible.  David really is a true inspiration.

However, what I always need to remember is that with God for me, who can be against me.

My Own Worst Enemy

It is incredibly frustrating being my own worst enemy, but what is worse is that I cannot seem to stop warring with myself.  No matter how hard I try, I find myself fighting internally, which just drags me down.

I have spent a lot of time blaming other people and other factors, when it really all comes down to me.  Yes, people have hurt me and I have struggled with certain situations, but I have allowed myself to be badly effected by the actions of others and I have put myself in some stupid situations.  I have made bad decisions, I have told myself that I mean nothing and I have convinced myself that I am always the problem.

Most of my negative feelings have been fabricated in my mind, as no one has actually said those things directly to me.  I expect constant high standards of myself and when I don’t reach those standards or get what I want, I put myself down and find ways to feel worthless.  I want everyone to like me, accept me and respond well to me, but I start closing myself off when that doesn’t happen.

Over the years, I have built up walls and closed myself off, which has made me a quieter and smaller version of myself.  My self-esteem has dropped and my confidence has diminished drastically, preventing me from being truly happy and reaching the potential that so many individuals can see in me.  It’s as if all those around me can see the good, except me.

I have known for a long time that I am my own worst enemy, but realising that it is the cause of so many of my problems is a great move in the right direction, because I can do something about it.  However, what is difficult is trying to overcome it, as I don’t really have an idea of how to do that.  I know that it all starts with having faith in God and sitting at His feet, but where do I go from there?

Overcoming my battle with self is essential, because it is seriously holding me back.  It is preventing me from getting up and doing things that I have every intention of doing.  It is stopping me from going out, being brave and speaking to the young people that I need to speak to.  It is putting a halt to me making a real difference, and I really don’t want that.

Again, this is about me being a work in progress and I am glad that God is working in my life, but this is an issue that needs to be fixed as soon as possible.  I hate being my own worst enemy and it is extremely tiring now, because I want to be so much more than the person I am and finally be the person that God wants me to be.


I’ve wasted too much time trying to be what others want me to be.  I’ve spent too long on saying that I don’t like being me and wishing that I was more like other people.  But that time is over and I’m saying, no more.

As I’ve been on this journey to figure out who is the real me, what is hindering me and holding me back, what is important and what I need to leave behind, I’ve learnt so much about myself.  And you know what, I’m proud of who I am.

I’ve been strong enough to admit that I have issues I need to work through.  I’ve shown bravery I didn’t know I had by making choices and taking actions, which I would have shied away from in the past.  I’ve been able to overcome so many of the troubles I’ve faced and now I’m all the better for it.

Despite the hurt and loneliness I may feel within myself, I show love, support and appreciation to those around me.  I try to better the world I live in by showing the care that my Saviour showed when He was on this earth and the individuals in my life seem to love me for it.

I take stands for what I believe in, as my faith and views mean so much to me.  I show loyalty, respect and compassion, because I believe that these are important characteristics for society to have.  I don’t give up without a fight, because I hate the thought of failure.

However, I’m not only proud of my character and how I’ve grown as a person.  I’m also extremely proud of where I come from.  I’m proud of my origins, my ethnicity and my family background.  I’m not ashamed to say that I’m a black female with Jamaican and Grenadian heritage, who has grown up on the gritty streets of Thornton Heath in South East London.

Recently, I’ve been watching a number of programmes based on events in black history, which I not only enjoyed watching but also found more emotional and touching than I realised I would.

Watching what these individuals had to go through, just because of the colour of their skin, and seeing them handle it with such integrity and determination made me feel so proud and appreciate where I come from even more.

So yeah, I’m glad to say I’m a West Indian female.  I’ll happily admit that I love pop, indie, soft rock and emo music, just as much as I love rap, bashment, reggae and r’n’b.  I have no issue with wearing glasses or admitting that I love reading in my spare time.

Why should my decision to drop out of university after two years bother other people more than it bothers me?  Does is matter that I’m a Seventh-Day Adventist?  So what if I’m not the lightest, prettiest, tallest, slimmest, smartest, strongest, fastest or richest?

All that matters is that I’m Shaniqua Marie, a child of God, and I am proud of not only who I am, but the person I’m becoming…