Move Forward

Hating 24

I turned 24 on Monday and I hated it.  For the first time in a long while, I actually felt my age.  I felt older, like the many responsibilities of being an adult were hitting me harder than ever before.  When a friend of mine joked that I was turning 17, I genuinely wished I could turn back time and be a teenager all over again, but time can only move forwards in this life.

Now it’s not that I hate being an adult because I don’t want to have to deal with responsibilities – it’s just that life gets tougher, more demanding and a lot more real.  The future continues to draw nearer and plans for your life seem to become more urgent, as the days run away from you; it seems that you’re running out of time, despite being relatively young.

Three years ago, my life plan completely changed after I made the decision to drop out of university, meaning that I’m not currently where I thought I would be or should be in regards to my career.  Instead, I’m on a different path, which I believe is God’s plan for my life, but it’s happening at a slower pace than I would like.

Although I keep on reminding myself that I’ve achieved and grown a whole lot in the past few years through the various actions I’ve taken, I still feel that it’s not enough.  I don’t feel that I’m doing enough to change my community, make changes in my country, eventually change the world.  Couple that with not having a job that pays enough for me to buy my own place, I end up feeling frustrated and sad, like I’m failing in some ways.

Then there’s the matters of the heart, the constant issue of love that leaves me impatient, despondent, jealous and in tears, over and over again.  I’m 24 now, with no boyfriend and no boyfriend on the horizon, which is depressing, because I always wanted to be married by 25 at the latest.  There is no chance of that happening now.

For me, love is cruel, breaking my heart or simply not working out, for one reason or another.  The cruelty of love punched me in the face on my birthday, as it fully hit me that there was no chance of finding the one in the time frame I wanted.  It felt like the window was closing as I grew older, time quickly getting away from me.

As I write this I can see that time is a constant thread throughout.  The thought of time getting away from me is causing me distress, especially as this world continues to show me that life is short.  I want to achieve as much as I can, give as much as I can, feel as much as I can.  I want to impact the lives of young people, I want to have an organisation of my own, I want to experience real, beautiful love that will actually be reciprocated.  I want to feel happy in my age, not fearful and anxious.

Following on from my birthday has been a struggle, as I’ve found myself wrestling with questions and dealing with conflicts of the heart throughout the remainder of the week.  Not knowing what to do or how I feel, I’ve worked myself into a state of panic that I’m struggling to come back from.   Effecting my health and my emotions, my head hurts, my chest feels strange and I can’t hold back the tears that are flowing for reasons unknown to me.

I don’t think I’ve ever hated a birthday or an age like I’ve hated 24, which comes as a surprise to me – I expected to simply feel indifference, not complete disdain.  However, the fact is I’m still here and I want to be thankful for my life, because there are two beautiful people I love very much who aren’t here anymore and I wish that they still had a life to live.  I just need to take every day as it comes and trust in God, because He’s got my back and His timing is perfect, in spite of how much I may want to rush Him.

Its Time

Its time.

Its time for me to just do it.

Its time for me to get a grip; for me to wise up; for me to stop being scared.

Its time for me to get real serious about my spiritual life; to take my relationship with God to the next level; to put all my trust in Him.

Its time to let God take control, let Him heal my broken heart or any future hurt that I may face, let Him work great miracles in my life.

Its time for me to say what needs to be said, do what needs to be done and stop shying away from the difficult conversations.

Its time for me to be assertive, forthcoming and honest about how I’m thinking and feeling, when necessary.

Its time for me to truly respect myself, love myself, and stop being a doormat, because I deserve better.

Its time to stop staying in friendships that are detrimental to my emotional state, while the other person lives their life with little thought of me or how I’m feeling.

Its time for me to embrace and give into my feelings again, to love again, and accept I might feel pain along the way.

Its time to stop messing around in this world, when so much needs to be done and so many people need to be reached.

Its time to stop being selfish, thinking only about our own needs and desires, without considering how our actions may adversely affect others.

Its time to start thinking before we speak and stop using empty words, which mean nothing and amount to nothing.

Its time for me to be the person I once was before I was crippled by fear and rejection, but become the woman God has always wanted me to be.

Its time that I made real changes and do all I can to positively move forward, because with God for me, who can be against me.

It’s time that is too short to waste.

 

Deserving of All My Praise

I just need to take some time right now and praise my awesome, amazing God, because He deserves all my thanks, adoration and praise.

I can see my God working in my life right now in so many ways and there are no words that can do Him justice or even express just how grateful I am.

I’ve said time and time again that my God always comes through for me, delivering what exactly what I need at exactly the right time.  And you know what, He’s done it again.

I’m so glad that I serve a God who always has my back, because I don’t know where I would be without Him, especially in my physically and emotionally tired states.  There have been many times when I’ve simply wanted to give up, but God wouldn’t let me and He never gave up on my sorry self.

My God is allowing me to move forward with my ventures in ways I never even imagined and He’s somehow placed the right people in my life.  He’s got people helping me in various ways, which is doing so much for me right now, I can’t even tell you.

I love my God so, so much and it means everything to know that He loves me, which is why He wants nothing but the best for me.  I just hope that I can make Him proud and become the person He has intended for me to be, because that is the least that He deserves.  I’m excited to see what future blessings He has in store.