No Idea Why

I hate when I feel like this.

Sad, low, easily irritated, a little depressed; but with no idea why.

My body is overcome with feelings and negative emotions torture my heart, yet I have no idea where it’s stemming from and that is frustrating.

I’m so done with these random dreary outbursts, which put me in the strangest moods and make me feel terrible about myself.

I start feeling ugly, like a failure, hating myself and hating life.

However, I have begun to see one common thread – these feelings now kick in when an event I’m hosting is coming up, as if my body is immediately fearing failure before it happens.

It seems that fear is now gaining control of me, despite how much I may try to fight it and that is disturbing in a sense.

Why does it feel that no matter how many steps I take forward, I’m always taking multiple steps back?

This is why I get so tired of fighting, because it seems like a futile action at times.

It’s as if I’ll be stuck in this droll for the rest of my days, struggling with it mostly alone, because I’m sure the people in my life must get tired of hearing about me being down and down on myself.

Nevertheless, there is one consolation – I know this dark cloud will eventually pass.

Sitting in Gloom

I’m sitting inside and looking out at a horribly gloomy day.  It already looks dark even though sunset isn’t for another 25 minutes and rain is pouring down, splashing against the window.  The wind blows slightly, as I sit feeling cold inside my house.

This is my least favourite time of the year – I truly hate it – and it always seems to bring me down a notch.  Spring is beautiful and warm, with the blossoms falling from the trees.  Summer is fun and bright, as the sun shines down on me and welcomes me to another year of life.  Winter is festive and joyful with a sense of warmth, as I celebrate Christmas and the New Year.

But Autumn is usually cold and dreary, with the leaves that have fallen becoming wet, slippery and squelchy because of the rain.  It means that summer has drawn to a close, I might have to return to school or uni and I will unfortunately have to start wearing coats again.  There is also Guy Fawkes and Halloween, which I have no interest in at all.

I just find autumn dead, dark and depressing, making me feel worse than any other time of the year.  Yet during this year’s autumn, I feel a lot more down than usual.  Yes, the weather does make me a little low and yes, the fact that it’s autumn does bother me; but it’s more than that.

I’ve opened up a number of old wounds that I am now treating as best as I can, so that I can finally begin to heal.  I seem to experiencing some sort of sting from these wounds each day, which is bringing my overall mood down and leaving me to sit in my own gloom.

However, I know that my wounds will eventually heal and autumn will eventually become winter.  It will take a bit of time, but eventually – I won’t be sitting in gloom anymore.