Love Letter

Love Letter to TCFT

To TCFT,

I was a shell when I met you,

Waiting to be cracked open,

Released,

Set free into the world.

Closing myself off,

Not seeing my potential,

Believing I was good enough

Or able to reach my dreams.

Fearful of everything –

Rejection,

Being vulnerable,

Isolation,

Looking a fool;

But with you,

I cracked open,

Potential spilling out,

Fears released;

You taught me how to fly.

A confidence began to grow,

A confidence I never knew I had,

Breaking out of my comfort zone,

But feeling comfortable,

The good replacing the bad.

A place where I could be vulnerable,

Reveal the inner me,

Act a little weirdly,

Laugh loudly,

Or openly express my grief.

Learning how to fly

Just scratches the surface

Of what you mean to me

TCFT,

I never imagined two years ago

In Bosnia,

I’d have another huge family;

Like a lamb thrown to the wolves,

I didn’t know where to turn,

But I was adopted in,

Joined the pack,

Found a home away from home.

The love I feel is like no other,

Support beyond compare,

Hugs, kisses, kind words

Around every corner,

Bright smiles

And touches of care.

It started with my house sisters,

Nomes and Ellie,

Who shared a room with me;

Then Filip and Rory made me feel part of the pack,

Voice-noting the sister who means the world to me.

The care shown by Mikica and Robert,

Nevena and Ljubiša when I felt anaemic,

Bonding over dinner with Nina and Marko,

Sitting down to talk with Sandra.

Also having a heart-to-heart with Naomi,

A never-ending handshake with Miguel,

Chatting for hours with Saaf,

Dancing with Saša.

Thank you Tina for being my constant champion,

Thank you Darren for your thoughtful advice,

Thank you Mary for coming down to Croydon

And filming my poetry night.

I love you Francesco for being so full of life,

I love you Ismir for your beautiful smile,

I love you Luka for being so cute and sweet,

I love you Carina for your kind heart.

The list is endless,

I could go on for hours,

You’ve all touched my life in some way;

We’re family,

You’re in my heart,

Forever there you’ll stay.

You’ve given me a place to belong,

Which I never thought I’d find,

You gave me a gift

And so much more to write;

An answer to a prayer

I had no idea I prayed.

So this letter is to you TCFT,

My life-changer,

A gift from God,

My family;

I love you with all my heart

And always will.

Love

Shaniqua, Shefika, Shani

Love Letter To…

To…

I want you to know how I feel.  I need you to know how I feel, cos its driving me crazy.  Even trying to find the right words is difficult, because I don’t know where to start and I don’t know where the feelings end.  I’m not sure how strong my feelings are, and then when I stop to consider them, I wonder whether they’re even genuine.

However, I think they have to be.  Because there is no reason for me to feel this aching sadness, simply because I don’t know if you feel for me.  There is no need for me to get upset over being unable to tell you how I feel.  I shouldn’t miss you this much or want to talk to you almost everyday.  Why have I sat wondering what’s going on with her or if she is your girlfriend?  In all honesty, I should feel no way about us not being together and just being friends.

I wish it was that easy – that I could lock my feelings away and toss them to the bottom of the sea, never to be felt again.  I don’t want to feel this way about you.  You’re my friend and a close friend at that; losing you does not bear thinking about.  When life feels bad, it’s you I want to talk to.  I want to share my joys with you.  Music is our language; so many songs make me think of you – if you only knew how many songs I’ve sent, loosely trying to let on how I feel about you.

Yet I don’t think its the same on your end – I’m not sure you want to let me in.  Although don’t get me wrong, you’ve shared some beautiful things and I’ve valued our conversations more than you will ever know.  I just don’t think you realise how much I want to be there for you, how much I am there for you, and I want to hear anything you have to say.

You might ask when my feelings for you began, but I honestly have no idea.  I know they’ve been there for a while, but I’ve tried my hardest to ignore or suppress them, to no avail it would seem.  All I know is that you were able to capture my heart with your caring nature, maturity and musical romanticism; your humour, intelligence and wisdom.  Your eyes drew me in to your haunting beauty – beautiful eyes that somehow see beauty in me.

I love the way you see me; I wish I could see myself the same way that you do.  I don’t know if that will ever be the case though, as you see this truly beautiful, strong, amazing woman, which I cannot understand.  But then again, I can tell that you don’t fully see yourself the way I see you.

What makes my feelings for you even more frustrating is that they persist, even when you hurt me last year and left my heart feeling bruised.  You came across like so many others before you and it effected our bond in a way – I put up walls and tried to create some distance, which hasn’t fully gone away.  Yet those feelings are still there and you won’t get at of my head, as sickening as it is.

I want to be close to you and have your arms wrapped around me.  I want to look up into those big, beautiful brown eyes that warm my heart and put a smile on my face.  I want to walk with you hand in hand, talking about our lives.  I want to be able to kiss you, while we listen to the music we love so much.  Simply put, I want to be with you… but I can’t and that’s just the way it is.  You’re out of reach and you most likely don’t feel the same.  That’s just the way my life is and I’m gonna have to deal with that.

However, I had to let you know how I feel, because it was tearing my up inside and I couldn’t take it anymore.  I hope we can stay friends, because I love you with all my heart and I can’t lose you.  You’ve become such a special person in my life and I hope you know that.

Love always,

Shan