Life

Not Caring to Live

“Let’s stay in our bed and die.”

“I want to lay down and die.”

Just two of the selection of things I casually say without thinking, not really wanting to die, but not caring to live either.  I guess I need to be careful about making these sorts of comments, because one day God will make my words a reality and I’ll have breathed my last breath.

I don’t like life though and I find myself constantly tiring of it, no matter how hard I try and no matter how much I fight to stay positive.  It’s a frustrating battle, where I usually feel like the loser, watching so many others on the winning side.

I know it’s not good, because life is a gift and I’m here when so many others aren’t, but I can’t help wondering how much I’m really contributing.  I feel that I have a purpose, yet I’m not fully living up to it and that my attempts to make a difference are not making any real impact.  So often I want to give up, but I know it’s not the right thing to do, so I keep pressing on, and on, and on.

Some days are better than others, when I’m rearing to go and ready to conquer whatever tasks lay ahead of me.  However, there are so many down days and dark moments, when I want to cry, do nothing and sleep forever.  Sadness overwhelms me and I question, “What am I doing?”  Ostracising myself from others seems like the only option and no matter how much I attempt to talk myself around, the negative thoughts keep batting me down.

Wondering if I suffer from depression, but I have no idea.  I know that my PMS brings on depressed feelings and self-harm has been my uphill struggle.  I know that I wrestle with confidence and I have incredibly low self-esteem, but being clinically depressed – I don’t know.

All I know is that I struggle to believe in myself and what I do.  I find it hard not to compare myself to others and feel inferior as I watch them reaching new heights.  I feel lonely, let-down and lacking.  I’m tired, wondering if my goals are worth working towards.  I feel a sense of hopelessness, doubting my dreams will ever come true.

Most of all, I feel horrible, because I don’t want to feel this way at all and I want to have faith in all God has in store for me.  I want to genuinely believe that He’ll make my dreams come true, have hope in all that He has for me and trust that all I ask for will come from Him.

Yet I can’t shake off that feeling of wanting to “lay down and die”…

Another Year, Another Reflection

Saturday was my birthday.

Another year of life, an ideal time for reflection.

You see, birthdays aren’t a huge thing for me anymore;

God granting me another year is a blessing,

But the concept of getting older doesn’t seem so appealing.

 

Turning 21 felt weird,

However, I loved being 22.

Turning 23, though, just doesn’t feel nice,

And it’s like I can see 30 in the distance.

 

As I get older, it feels like time is running out,

To achieve what I want to achieve.

I want to make a difference, make my mark on the world,

I also want to get married and have a little girl.

 

In all honesty, I’d love to have been married by 23,

But of course this wasn’t meant to be.

Now I hope to be married by 25,

Having the one standing by my side.

 

There’s a slight problem with that though,

Because there’s currently no man in my life,

And I continue to wonder whether I’ll find someone worthy,

Or if they’ll even be willing to make me their wife.

 

A man in my life is not in the forefront of my mind though,

With so many plans for me to put into action.

Although I’d like to be further forward on my checklist,

I’ve done a lot in the past year that I should be proud of.

 

I’ve learnt to say no and not take every task on board,

I’ve continued writing and moved one of my blogs forward.

I found a way to take my youth platform to the next stage,

And I’ve finally come up with a business idea to put into play.

 

I visited new places in the world and made new friends,

I saw family I hadn’t seen for years on end.

Slowly but surely, my confidence is continuing to build,

And I’m seeing what I can do in the community I’m in.

 

There is so much more and for that I am proud,

But this year was definitely not full of good times.

I made mistakes and did not work as hard as I should,

But it’s been a learning process, which is always good.

 

Although 23 is an age that I’m not really feeling,

I did decide to celebrate my birthday a little bit;

Because I love those special moments with the people I love,

And being with them a little longer makes getting older worthwhile.

 

Going Wrong

Its frustrating when something that should be simple and you want to go so right, starts to go unbelievably wrong.  It angers you, messes you up a little and drives you crazy.

Something that should have been going right for me at the right time started to go wrong and I was not only angry and frustrated, but I was really upset because of how important it is to me.

Too often, it feels like when things start to go right for me in my life, someone throws a curve ball that makes a piece of it go wrong and that gets me all out of whack.

However, it just reminds me to keep trusting in God and rely solely on Him, because He’s got my back and I know that He will make everything right.

Life is a learning process and I find myself learning new lessons all the time, but more than anything, I am continuing to learn how important it is to put everything in God’s hands.  I know that He is one person who will never let me down and with Him, my life will definitely go in the right direction.