Letter

A Letter to My Aunty Joce

Aunty Joce,

I’m sitting here thinking that I cannot believe it’s been a whole year since you passed.  It’s been a whole year since I felt the shock of those six words, uttered from my mum’s mouth.  It’s been a whole year since you were cruelly taken away from us, without warning.  It’s been a whole year without you and it sucks.

The time has flown by and I guess that doesn’t make dealing with the pain any better.  It feels like you should still be here among us, making me laugh with your dry humour and many brilliant stories.  You should still be in the kitchen, whipping up food like it’s a sport.  You should still be out shopping for your bargains, leaving your reading glasses here and there, watching Judge Judy on TV.

You should also still be here to bring light to our family.  Seriously Aunty Joce, family gatherings and special occasions have not felt the same without you.  It’s like there is a big, gaping hole that will never, ever be filled.  I remember thinking how much you would have loved Uncle Selo and Aunty Doriel’s masquerade party.  There were numerous times when I thought about how you would have had me overflowing with laughter at grandma’s last birthday celebration – there were some wise cracks that only would have come from your mouth and I genuinely missed that.

Twelve months have passed, but that hasn’t stopped the pain I feel and I don’t think that pain will ever fully go away.  That pain feels especially raw now, as I mourn an uncle who was snatched away suddenly – not only am I reminded of the cruel way we lost you, but I don’t have your kind and supportive words to comfort me at this time.  I know that you would have sent me a message, because you were so wonderful like that.

August felt really raw as well, because you know, that’s our birthday month.  I didn’t get a lovely message from you and I wasn’t able to send a message to you either, which felt horrible.  I hate that a month that was so full of birthdays is now emptier without you in it.  However, knowing that we shared that bond will always make it extra special.

I still miss you so much Aunty Joce, but the many memories of you still remain and I hope they will never fade.  They bring a smile to my face as I remember you at your best, rather than the tears that spring to my eyes when I recall that you’ve passed.  I just live in hope that I’ll see you again on that great day when my Jesus returns.

I love you with all my heart, always and forever.

Shan x

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A Letter to My Grandad

Grandad,

I can’t believe it’s been a year since you passed, time flies by so fast, yet it still feels surreal.  I don’t see you anymore and you’re not here, buried how many feet down in the ground; but it feels like you should still be here.  Not seeing you feels wrong.

Going to your house, it’s weird not having you greet me at the door with one of your famous lines or watch you slowly descending down the stairs.  It’s sad not seeing you at church on a Sabbath and not hearing from you on my birthday wasn’t nice.  In fact, not being able to tell you happy birthday wasn’t nice either – August is our month and it’s a whole lot emptier without you.

There are times when sitting there thinking about you, suddenly remembering that you’re gone, can bring me to tears.  However, there are times when those thoughts bring a smile to my face, as I remember all the good memories I have of you.  Simple little things I took for granted are no longer the same and I wish I could hear another one of your Burton jokes again – you genuinely did make me laugh.

I still miss you so much grandad, a whole twelve months later, and I still want you to come back.  The pain isn’t so raw, but I don’t think my heart will ever fully recover from having you taken away.  There was still so much more for us to say, so much more time for us to spend together and a whole lot more for me to learn from you.  I keep thinking about the joke you told me about Job’s daughters, which you never finished and I never heard the end of, which saddens me more than I can describe.

Grandad, you were my inspiration and my hero, one of the people I looked up to most in the world.  I just hope I can make you proud and continue your legacy, because you were the most humble, loving, genuinely caring, considerate individual I ever knew.  I can’t wait to see you again.

Love you with all my heart.

Shan-Shan

My Letter to You

Dear…

Why did you abandon me?  Abandon me like the others who were supposed to be close to me and I held dear to my heart?  You mean a lot to me and I thought I meant a lot to you, but I guess I was wrong.

What have I done that is so wrong that you felt the need to walk away from me without saying anything?  Don’t I at least deserve an explanation, or did I mean that little to you?

If I do mean that little to you, then it means that you lied to me over and over again.  You made out that I was special and meant a lot to you.  You said that you’d always be there for me and what’s worse, you said that you could never stay angry at me.  Now that was a blatant lie.

In all honesty, I don’t think I was ever as important to you and you are to me, but I can deal with that.  It’s not something that’s new and it’s not even that big of an issue, because sometimes that happens in life.

However, what I cannot deal with is you just dropped me without a word.  I sent messages to you on more than one occasion, which I know you saw but chose to ignore.  I cannot deal with the lies that you told and all of the empty words you threw my way.

I cannot deal with losing another close friend and one of the few people that I feel comfortable confiding in, for something as small as me speaking my mind about an issue in our friendship.  Opening up to anyone is extremely difficult for me, but I opened up to you and now you’ve thrown that back in my face.

I’ve had to delete your number, because seeing your name or face on WhatsApp always brings me pain.  I want to cut you out of my life, because I know it will be easier, but cutting you out of my heart and mind is not so easy.

You’ve hurt me more than I think you even realise and broken my heart (although you’re not alone in that), but the worse thing is that I still love you so, so much.  In all honesty, if you really needed me, I would still be there for you.

Just know that I’m angry and hurt by your actions, and I’ve had enough of the crap.  If you were truly a friend of mine, particularly a close friend of mine, you wouldn’t be treating me like this.

Shaniqua