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They Taught Me More Than They’ll Ever Know

I couldn’t write about the people who played a special part in my 2018 without writing about Queen’s Gardens.  I spent a significant portion of my time in Queen’s over spring and summer, bringing me into contact with a number of people who I continue to love, in spite of what may have passed between some of us.

Queen’s is one of the strangest and most interesting places in Croydon, because of the mixture of characters you will find there, and also because of what takes place there.  It is kind of like a bubble, a community within a community, which you come to realise the deeper you ingratiate yourself with the people there.  I learnt a lot – good, bad and useful – which I will definitely be taking forward in my life.

I’ve developed relationships with some beautiful people, who I happily speak to and spend time with whenever I see them.  Due to some of their lifestyles, I won’t be using their “government” names or naming them at all.  If they were to read this, I’d hope they know who they are though.

I’ve known my Jamesy-James for a couple of years now, and he’s always been someone I find easy to talk to, although I can’t put my finger on why.  I guess he’s a great listener, and is definitely an all round lovely person.  I’m always excited to see him.  I’ve known and been friends with Gamma for a couple of years too, but I got to know him a lot more this year.  Gamma always finds a way to make me laugh, and I’ll never forget when he had me cracking up when we were hanging out in the summer one time.  I also love that he calls me ‘Poetry Queen’ – just saying.

Win is a really, really lovely human being.  He’s easy to get on with, easy to talk to and easy to be around.  We got on immediately, from the moment we met in summer.  After not seeing him for a few months, it was nice to bump into him randomly, spend some time chatting on a walk and then go to Kaspas.  Whenever I’m with him, I know I’ll always be looked after and treated right.  And you’ve got Frankie, who I first met in spring, but quickly warmed up to and also got on well with – he looks out for me too.

I saw more of a beautiful lady I met last year, who is always warm and quick to greet me.  When I ask her how she is, I love the response she gives, which is such a mouthful that I cannot remember it all.  I also met a young woman this year, who I found sweet, despite being very rough around the edges.  She is always quick to greet me too and ready for a little conversation.

After meeting him at the soup kitchen the church I attend puts on, I came to see more of this ball of energy at Queen’s during the summer months – let’s call him My Darlin.  Like I mentioned, My Darlin is a ball of energy, talking quickly, walking quickly and often on the move.  He is truly lovely, with a heart of gold and caring nature.  He’s always got a story to tell too, which can often be amusing.

There are so many others I could mention, including a kind-hearted sweetie who made me feel like family, and a group of Eritreans, including a beauty who brings me joy with his beautiful, bright smile and shining eyes.  However, I came to spend quite a lot of my time with a particular group, who will always have a place in my heart (some of them have a special place).  No matter what has gone down with them, I want the best for all of them and I will always keep them in my prayers.  I don’t think they realise the impact they have had on my life and how much I have learnt from them.

Through one member of this group, I came to meet a genuine, down-to-earth, lovely person, who is studying youth work (I think he’s going to be a great youth worker), and I could have proper conversations with.  I have time for him any day.

However, it was the one who introduced us that has probably had one of the largest impacts on me this year – we’ll call him my Knight (in Shining Armour).  Out of everyone from Queen’s, I think I ended up spending the most amount of time with my Knight.  I initially met him last year, but we didn’t really speak, which all changed this spring.  Somehow, we began to talk more and more, as we became properly comfortable with each other.  The conversation flowed and we got to know each other better, which was made easier by his raw honesty.

Like people I tend to get on with best, he made me laugh, although sometimes he would joke around too much.  He looked out for me, like many of the people in Queen’s would do, but he went above and beyond in some ways by being very protective – not in a creepy way though.  However, what I think most stands out about my Knight is the sense of calm he would bring me, especially when I would get stressy over the actions of certain individuals – it was funny how much he would come up with sensible things my sister would probably say.  He’s got a really good heart as well.

As strange as Queen’s can be, meeting people from there has made me a better, more resilient person and more streetwise person.  I don’t think they even realise how much I love all of them.

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Learning to Understand My Heart

I want that ‘vision of love’, but I’m not even sure I’d know what falling in love feels like anymore.  I want to be able to say, ‘I knew I loved you before I met you’, but I doubt I’d even recognise that connection.

I’ve messed my feelings and emotions up so much, convincing myself I don’t like one person and thinking that I like another because of their face or their interest in me, that I’m not even sure when my feelings are genuine anymore.

I don’t know if I can trust my heart or my head, but I definitely know that I can’t trust my stomach, as that will play up for practically anything.  The last person I started to feel anything for felt forced and fabricated, and I never even got the chance to get to know the guy that came before him.

I rarely find myself attracted to anyone I physically know these days, but if I do find myself attracted to someone, then it doesn’t go any deeper than that.  Sometimes I think it may be heading that way, but then I wonder are these feelings real, am I just into our similarities or am I simply excited because he’s talking to me and the conversation is going well.

It’s also easier not to like someone, because it prevents me from getting my heart broken and I am terrified of heartbreak, so I choose to guard my heart.  However, guarding my heart for so long has made it so that my heart is not adjusted to life outside a prison cell.  It doesn’t know what to do, what to feel or how to act.

I don’t know how to fully open my heart again and I’m completely confused by the beautiful kind of love I want, because I don’t know if it will be real or not once it comes along.  I guess I need to learn to let those barriers down and understand my heart, so that I can learn how to truly feel and then find my vision of love.

A Love of Poetry

So as I mentioned a few days ago, I was blessed enough to be on the right trip at the right time.  My time in Bosnia allowed me to embrace a number of new things and also learn a lot about myself, which I intend to take forward.

One of the main things I learnt about myself, and one of my favourite aspects of the entire process, was that I am actually better at writing poetry and spoken word pieces than I realised.

Writing poetry has never been my favourite thing and it has always been the aspect of writing that I have most struggled with, but it’s not as bad as I thought it was.  Poetry is beautiful and writing poems is actually very therapeutic, allowing a whole other avenue of expression.

During a poetry and spoken word workshop, I wrote two pieces of poetry that I ended up really liking and were received well by others.  I also wrote a spoken word piece, which I performed during the final week and was also my first ever spoken word performance.

During my trip, I discovered a love of poetry that won’t go away and I’m planning to write more poems in the future, so it’s likely that you’ll now see poetry popping up quite regularly on Inside My Head.

Check out my two poems, This is What Makes Me Happy and If I Wasn’t a Person I Would Be, on The Complete Freedom of Truth blog.