Getting to Me

People are getting to me, particularly guys.  I don’t want it to be the case and I try to put those negative feelings at bay, but I cannot help it.  There are certain individuals who do the most infuriating things or act in a certain way that bothers me, which makes me feel some type of way.

Like I’ve said before, I cannot always control my feelings and I cannot help how I feel about people, especially as I watch the way some of them behave.  I’m tired of the attitudes that I’m forced to deal with or weird antics in friendships, so I never actually know where I stand.  I’m sick of all the lies and false promises, and please do not get me started on the countless clones and fakes walking around.

Yet what gets to me the most is guys, which seems to be a common occurrence in my life, and probably the lives of so many other females.  Too many guys behave in the most ridiculous, annoying and confusing ways, making me constantly wonder if I will ever find someone in this lifetime.

The majority of males I come across are incredibly selfish — everything needs to be on their terms, on their time and excuse me if anyone brings up their faults or mistakes, because every word should be what they want to hear.  I’m tired of guys saying girls and relationships are drama, simply because they cannot handle the truth or a little criticism.  Half of the time, it is them who starts the drama.

There are also too many guys who have a problem with holding a conversation — I’m not even going to stretch to meaningful conversation, because they don’t possess the ability to get to that level.  I want to be able to talk to someone and have the conversation flow, without having to tell them what I’ve been doing over and over again or deal with monosyllabic responses.

However, guys have no problem finding something to say when it comes to the subject of relationships or sex.  I don’t understand why guys think it is okay to ask if a female is a virgin, particularly during the second conversation in their lifetime, and then require a full explanation to go with the answer.  I cannot comprehend why they need to be so intrusive or why sex is a major factor on the forefront of their minds.  It makes me seriously question the motives of the male in question.

Then there are the men who don’t want to get into their feelings and refuse to open up to you, or the men who are way up in their feelings and get emotional about everything.  There are the guys who are overly forceful or forward, and the guys who are too passive and afraid to make their move.  And there are the guys who are manipulative, dishonest, confused about what they want or straight up disrespectful.

To be fair, there’s probably a lot more I could say, but I don’t want to keep on bashing guys, because there are actually some good ones out there and us females aren’t perfect either — we have plenty of flaws and issues.  However, it is guys that have been getting to me more than anything recently and I’ve wanted to express this for a little while.

All I want is for a man to step up and prove me wrong, because I am tired of giving guys the benefit of the doubt and finding out they are the same as everyone else.  I’m tired of giving guys a chance and having them throw it back in my face.  I want to be able to put my trust in someone and I want to be able to feel deeply for someone again, but I feel that it is a long time coming and almost out of reach.

Crying Out for Acceptance, Approval & Appreciation

In this world, we find ourselves striving for material things, things that can be bought, things that can be studied or achieved. We want the nice house, the pretty clothes, the flash car, the good grades, the top job to fill our bank accounts with money, and the list goes on.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with wanting these things, as most of them are basic needs and wanting our things to be nice or attractive to look at isn’t a crime. However, it becomes a problem when this becomes our main want in life and our desire for these things overtakes our need for happiness, love, inner peace or our own well-being.

We have a tendency to neglect our mental and emotional health, in favour of meeting the standards society has set for us, striving to make the most money we can, or get the best grades we can, or have as many things as we can. I’m guilty of this myself and I’ve been paying the price for it over the years.

I put myself under pressure and unnecessary stress to achieve the best grades possible at GCSE and A-level. I worked myself ragged as I did all I could to get into my dream university. I found myself emotionally drained and mentally tired, giving my all on a university course I hated, in an institution where I never felt comfortable.

Although my grades at GCSE and A-level were good, I got into my dream university and I persevered for two years at that university, it wasn’t worth the emotional and mental turmoil I put myself through. By putting myself on a pedestal and piling on the pressure, I ended up losing myself and a sense of happiness in the process.

My energy dropped, my mood could quickly worsen and I let little things upset me. I found myself easily getting into depressive states, I cried bucket loads of tears and I was self-harming over the years. I was emotionally dying, walking around in a daze and struggling to fall asleep.

Yet through it all, my desire to make others proud wouldn’t allow me to give up. I wanted to make my parents proud, I wanted to make my family proud, I wanted to make my Textiles teacher proud, I wanted to make my tutors proud etc, etc. However, I can’t say that I was making myself proud – all I saw was disappointment after disappointment.

My GCSE grades weren’t good enough for me. I wanted to get all As at A-level, just like my teachers had predicted, not just one A*. I was regressing rather than progressing at university, which depressed me more and more, because I was trying my absolute hardest and spending practically every waking moment on my assignments.

None of this was helping me and my desire to be the best (or perhaps the world’s idea of the best) was covering up the issues within myself. In trying to be the best, I was crying out for acceptance, approval and appreciation.

I wanted my parents to say how proud they were of me and tell me they loved me. I wanted to make something of myself so that people would no longer look down on me or look through me. I wanted to ensure that I wouldn’t be second best anymore.

Looking back on it all, I can see that all I want and all I’ve ever wanted is love, affection, support, care and appreciation from the people around me. I don’t want to feel lonely (despite not being alone) and I don’t want to feel like I’m second best all the time. Yet what I really need is to learn to truly love myself.

Hating Feelings

I hate feelings.  I genuinely hate feelings.  I hate that you can’t stop them, I hate that you can’t change them, and more than anything, I hate that you can’t control them.

I would give anything to control my feelings; in fact, I have attempted to control them and in some ways I’ve succeeded.  I don’t allow myself my emotions to spill over in front of others and I’m able to suppress my romantic feelings, to the point where I’m not actually sure whether I like someone or not.

The confusion over romantic feelings is not necessarily a good thing, but it prevents me from getting hurt.  I’d rather make myself think that I don’t like someone or bury those types of feelings in a dark hole, if it meant that I wasn’t rejected, walked over, messed around with or made to feel that I wasn’t good enough again.  I don’t think there’s anything worse than feeling like that and I’ve rather avoid it.  However, this again signifies my issue with control, but now I’m asserting control over my feelings instead of the direction my life is heading in.

I thought that I had moved past my issues with control, but today in counselling, I realised that this is far from being the case.  I still have the desire to be in control of my life somehow, as it helps me to face the fear of the unknown, which brings me on to fear itself.  A huge element of my control issues comes from me wanting to combat fear — fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, fear of getting hurt, fear of looking stupid, feeling worthless… The list goes on.

I’m tired of being afraid though and letting the wounds from my past affect me so deeply that I’m afraid to tap into my feelings anymore.  As much as I hate feelings, they are a part of life and I want to be able to access them, so that I don’t miss out on the good, beautiful things.  It’s just a shame about all of the bad that has to come with that.