Isolated

Finally Able to Write

There’s been so much I’ve wanted to say, so many thoughts I’ve needed to express, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to write anything down.  Over the past month, I’ve found myself in a depressive state, where the world felt dark, I felt broken and what I loved doing most in the world no longer brought me joy or relief.

Writing is connected to my emotions, so if my emotions are out of whack, then I find myself unable to write.  However, I am usually able to write about my feelings, but I wasn’t even able to do that over this month.  For some reason, writing felt futile and my words did not seem like enough — they would not fix the pain I felt or make me feel any better about myself.

Losing my grandad has brought me more pain than I ever imagined and I feel like a part of my heart is now missing, buried deep in the ground with my grandad.  Not having his presence in my life is proving a lot to get used to, especially as I find myself doubting my own being.

I’ve not only found myself grieving over my grandad, but I’ve also lost a lot of belief in myself and begun doubting everything I set out to do.  Again, I thought of myself as not good enough, not capable, not up to the standards I set for myself.

I was tired of the world, ready to give up hope and isolate myself from everyone.  I didn’t want to interact with the people in my life, I didn’t want to see anyone and there was no way I was leaving my house unless I was going to work.  I simply wanted to be alone, because you can’t be hurt or let down that way, but that isolation just brought me more sadness.

As the dark cloud started to lift and people began saying things that seemed to relate to my situation, I saw that I couldn’t just give up because things weren’t going positively or the way that I wanted them to.  I refuse to be the person who walks away at the sign of failure, otherwise I’ll never be a success.

It’s not been easy and I know it’s not going to get any easier — it’s been a struggle adjusting back to reality and the thought of getting back out there is still daunting for me.  And last Friday, when I wrote for the first time since my grandad’s death, I found myself feeling strangely fearful, as if the right words wouldn’t come to me or as if I’d lost my writing mojo.  Yet once I did it, I felt good and realised that like most times, I had nothing to fear.

To sum it up, I’m a mess who’s trying to fight through and allow myself to be fixed by the God I love and trust.  However, I need to keep reminding myself of why I’m doing what I’m doing and not allow myself to give up, in spite of the failures, dark days, hurt and pain.  I just want to be the woman God intends for me to be and make my grandad proud, because I know he wanted the best for me.

Lonely

There are times when I find myself feeling lonely and it just brings back all those memories of how lonely, alone and isolated I felt in the past.  I don’t want to feel lonely and I definitely don’t like feeling lonely, especially when I am surrounded by people.

Although I know that I will never literally be lonely and alone, because of the God in my life, my family and certain friends, there are times when people in my life find a way to make me feel lonely and isolated, mainly because I am regularly left out.

Now I am not someone who thinks I need to know and be involved in absolutely everything, but it is nice to be kept in the loop and feel like I am part of a group.  There is nothing worse than being in a group of people and not really being in the group.  It makes me feel like a spare part who does not actually fit, as I sit quietly not being able to get involved in particular conversations and watch as individuals whisper like I’m not even there.

For some reason, it seems that no matter what I do, there are times when I am seen as the second-rate friend.  It’s like I’m not good enough to be a real part of the group, so I am left sitting on the outside of their inner circle and you know what, it hurts.

I don’t like to sit dwelling on this, because it upsets my spirit, and I don’t want to spend time thinking about something that will bring me down.  I don’t understand why I regularly find myself in this situation, but such is life.

I have a truly amazing God in my life and I know that he will never leave me or treat me like a second-rate citizen.  I have a special sister, who I can always turn to.  I have a great best friend who is always loyal.  I have a lovely twin who appreciates me as much as I appreciate him.  I have a hilarious friend who I adore and a kooky friend who I’ve got a lot of love for.  And I also have both of my parents in my life.

I don’t like feeling lonely, but I cannot change how people are going to act around me or force them to treat me differently.  I just have to count my blessings and keep living my life as best as I can.