Inner Demons

Fighting Off The Enemy

Gotta keep fighting;

Fighting against the thoughts in my head

That tell me,

“I’m not good enough,”

“I can’t do this,”

“I won’t make it,”

“No one will care.”

Achievements,

My abilities,

Mean nothing to these voices;

The good

Always obliterated by the bad,

The positives

Cancelled by the negatives.

Fear paves the way,

Opening the gate

For the inner demons to stride in,

Settle down

And make themselves at home;

Filling my mind

With poison

That’s torture to get rid of.

When things are moving forward,

Challenges beginning to arise,

That’s when the fear comes,

Looming over like dark cloudy skies;

Trying to stop me from moving forward,

Wanting to hold me back,

If the enemy sees I’m making progress,

That’s when they choose to attack.

Leaving me in the never-ending battle

Being fought within,

Now I need to make sure

The enemy doesn’t win.

 

Tumbling and Turning Thoughts

My mind is like a washing machine, with thoughts and questions tumbling and turning around in my head.  I jump from one point to another, thinking about various aspects of my life and trying to stay positive, not letting the inner demons take over.

Wondering will anything actually go right for me, instead of regularly sinking in the wrong direction or throwing me off course.  However, I need to remember that God always comes through for me and that I need to have faith in Him, faith in what He will do for me, faith in His perfect timing.

I find myself asking, why do people keep leaving me?  Not just friends, but those advising me and helping me through certain endeavours in my life, moving on to pastures anew when I’ve become comfortable and built up trust with them.  However, I need to remember that they’re not specifically leaving me, but just going forward in their life and who am I to prevent them from doing that.

Then there is the issue of love, my heart, the guys in my life.  Oh, the guys in my life.  Why can’t I like the ones who like me, rather than liking the wrong ones or the guys who are never going to like me?  Why does my mind keep coming back to the same guy, who is definitely the wrong guy?  Thinking I’m going to be single for a very long time, that my vision of love doesn’t look like it’s coming anytime soon.  However, I need to remember to be patient and faithful, believing that God will send me the right guy at the right time in my life.

I’m frustrated, I’m upset, I’m conflicted and tired of trying to get things done, but having them go wrong.  Yet I’m thankful, strong enough to get through and getting more resilient all the time.  My God has always helped me through and He will never let me down, so despite all the negative questions and thoughts, I’m holding on.

The State I’m In

Pain.

Pressure.

Confusion.

Feelings of illness.

Feelings of loneliness.

Feelings of being unloved.

Countless thoughts,

Running through my mind,

Like a marathon that just won’t stop.

It’s like a ton is weighing down on me,

Burdening my heart,

Burdening my soul,

So I feel emotionally drained,

Matching the physical drain,

Caused by the anemia,

That wants to drain me,

Like the plug hole it is.

Plugging the anemia,

A relatively simple task;

But lifting the emotional ton,

Not so easy.

I feel pained,

I feel tired,

I feel used.

The friend that is a necessity,

Only speaking to me when you need something,

Otherwise I basically don’t exist.

Loved in words,

But not necessarily in action,

Hearing or reading “I love you”,

Yet those eight letters

Don’t match what you do.

Not alone, but feeling lonely,

Loved, but feeling unloved,

Walking among the world,

But disconnected from the people in it.

I feel stupid and frustrated,

Begin to be even harder on myself,

As I’m making something out of nothing,

Making it all worse than it seems.

There are others who have nothing,

No one,

No where to start

In finding their place in the world.

So I should be thankful for what I have,

Appreciate the ones who appreciate me,

Value those who love me,

Remember my purpose in the world.

It’s difficult though,

Dealing with all my demons,

Hearing the negative voices in my head,

Remembering the pain of the past,

Reliving my stupid mistakes.

It gets worst

When I’m ignored,

Seemingly unappreciated,

Or tossed aside for others,

Not made to feel I’ve done well,

That others are always doing better.

Or when I don’t get support

From the ones I love,

The ones who are supposed to love me;

My family and the people I grew up with.

Maybe I’m just not worth the loyalty.

I hate the hurt and feelings of discontent,

Seeming self-centred and full of contempt.

I’m not throwing myself a pity party,

Because I certainly ain’t no victim,

I simply want to let out

The distressed emotional state I’m in.