Hurt

Missing You On Your Birthday

Dad in Jamaica 5It would have been your birthday today, making the loss of you all the more real.  I would have seen you at church today or called up the house to say, “Happy Birthday Grandad!” and hear you reply, “Thank you darling.”  It’s sad that I’m not able to hear your voice, see you smile or give you a hug.

I still miss you, each and everyday, feeling the hurt of knowing my grandad is no longer here.  Talking to mum and Rhianna today, we agreed that God knew that it was your time to go, but I can’t help wishing that you were still here.  I still wanted more time with you – time to hear more of your silly jokes, time to study Revelation, time to learn more about your childhood and your home of Jamaica.

I wanted more time to speak with you, as there are so many things I wish I could have said and so much more love I wish I could have shown.  Often when you come to mind, I wonder if you knew how much I loved you – I really hope you did.

August is now a little emptier without you, and I hate that.  We were part of the same club, celebrating our birthdays nine days apart, but Zane now has that day to himself.  There were many years when doctors and other individuals thought you wouldn’t be spending birthdays with us, but I never shared their doubts, so it comes as a surprise to me that I’m not telling you happy birthday this year.  You were such a fighter, I just didn’t imagine losing you.

I guess I’ll just have to get used to an August without you, no longer able to celebrate your birthday or have you around to celebrate mine.  However, I’m incredibly happy for all of the Augusts I did spend with you and all of the memories you gave me over the years.  I was very lucky to have you as my grandad and you still have a piece of my heart.  I love you always and forever.

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Understanding Queries of the Heart

As per usual, queries and feelings fill my heart, seeping into my mind, making me question everything and everyone.  Is what I’m feeling true?  Am I getting caught up in the moment or simply being ridiculous?  Am I overreacting or am I being unnecessarily jealous?  Or perhaps I’m unfairly comparing myself to other individuals?  Who knows?

Those emotions building up in my heart, causing butterflies to spread into my stomach, lead to fear and wonder within me.  I find myself continuously asking if my affection is real and where it stemmed from.  Then I wonder that even if it is true, will that affection be reciprocated by the other individual, or will I find myself in the familiar territory of heartbreak?  However, I still find that pangs of jealously stab at my heart, despite being unsure of whether the affection is real and whether I stand a chance.

Because I don’t think I stand a chance.  I could give you numerous reasons as to why, but they are mainly opinion, not fact.  Because I don’t know what they’re thinking and of course, I’d be too afraid to ask.  And even if there was a chance, the odds would be against us, again for numerous reasons, this time fact rather than opinion.

There’s nothing I can do about that affection though, except push it to the back of my mind and hope that it fades away, or that I find myself drawn to another in the process.  It’s no secret that I’m hoping to find love, yet that’s not that big of an issue.  At this time of my life, love can afford to wait a while, as I try to sort myself out and move my endeavors forward.

You see, my endeavors are of the highest important and I want to ensure that they not only succeed, but that they make the greatest impact possible.  I want to make a real difference in the lives of others, particularly my fellow young people, but I cannot do that alone.  I need support from others, especially from the people in my life, who are supposed to have my back and want to see me succeed.

I don’t think I have that though, not really.  And I say not really, because there are a faithful few who are there for me hardcore; who come out and show their support on a regular basis, who spread the word, who go out of their way to show they support me.  The issue is though, that I can’t say I have the support of the majority, which constantly hurts me, but I can’t force anyone to back me or make time for me.

I shouldn’t have to force anything either, just simply ask and have them come out for me, because I would do the same for them – showing them the loyalty that I value and displaying the love I have them, that comes from deep in my heart.  I find myself questioning why they don’t show me the same level of support I would always show them?  How is it that others have such a strong support system, when mine continues to dwindle?  Why is it that the ones who will ride for me are the ones I’ve known for shortest amount of time, rather than the ones I grew up with?

Each day, each situation I find myself in, brings up new queries and feelings, making me answerable to myself and more wary of others.  I know that I can’t trust people, but the question is, can I trust my feelings, because they’ve been known to shy away from the truth.  I guess it’s just up to me to take some time to take a deeper look into those feelings and into those queries in order to get a better understanding, because I want to know the truth.  Because even though I may not get the truth from someone else, I better get it from myself.

Release Through Tears

Over the past few days I’ve cried tears, so many tears, filled with different emotions and feelings.  I’ve cried tears of anger, tears of annoyance, tears of hurt and tears of things I cannot even explain.

You see, I’m someone who doesn’t like to let others see my feelings, which includes seeing me cry.  I’d prefer to hide those feelings or subconsciously repress them, because I don’t want to let my guard down.  I don’t want others to see me vulnerable or think me weak.

As someone who is usually sweet, kind and finds it hard to say no, I am already an easy target for others and someone they can walk over.  So letting them see me upset, angry or in fits of tears puts me in a worse position, as I believe that they will now see me as weak.

I’m an individual trying my hardest to stay strong in a world that seems to love tearing me down, so of course I want to put up a strong front.  Letting others think I’m weak is the last thing I want.

However, bottling up those feelings isn’t a good thing and keeping them under wraps can feel like a heavy weight dragging me down, but telling someone isn’t always an option for me, so I release hurt and frustrations behind closed doors.

I will cry streams of tears, I might throw things and I’ll pour my heart out to God, because I know He’s always listening without passing judgement and He won’t get tired of hearing the same things again and again.

Sometimes I don’t like that I cry so much and that I get over emotional, but it’s my way of release and it prevents me from lashing out more at others.  I’d also rather cry until my head hurts or my eyes are sore as a way of dealing with my struggles, instead of taking a knife to my skin and cutting myself.

It’s very rare that I’ve let others see me cry and it will continue to be a rarity, as I don’t want to give others the satisfaction, but I do want to work on letting my guard down and letting my feelings come naturally, especially for when that guy I love comes along.  Like I always say though, I’m still a work in progress.