Wreck of Emotions, Wreck of a Heart

I swear, my emotions are such a wreck right now.  They are a complete mess – twisted up, tangled up, mangled up – so much so that I can’t sort them out.  I don’t know where the hurt starts and the pain ends.  I’m unsure of where the root actually stems from, although I do know that it could be a myriad of things.

However, what I do know is that my heart is broken, battered, bruised, despite being barricaded behind a number of walls.  It’s struggling to hold on in this cold world, giving what is left to supporting others, trying to make a difference and actually shine some sort of light in the world.

You see, my favourite phrase right now comes from Romeo and Juliet: “Be not so long to speak, I long to die!”  It comes to mind and spurts out of my mouth so many times, because I genuinely don’t want to be here.  I despise this world, more than any words I have to my disposal can describe, and I’m tired of having to navigate through it.  I’m fatigued by the news of evil, cruelty and twisted sickness.  I’m done with being hurt by those who are supposed to be close or love me.  I’m just tired of always fighting for something, but always seeming so far away.

If you know me, you know that one of my biggest dreams is to get married and have a family of my own, but I’ve come to accept the idea that this will never happen for me.  I never seem to like the ones who like me, and the ones I do like are wrong or lose interest pretty quick.  I’m over having my heart broken and letting people in, just to have them walk all over me or just walk away.  Focusing on my youth platform and making a change is where my heart will be, which cuts me deep, but it is something I’m coming to accept.  I’m not going to fight for love anymore.

Then there is grief, which continues to follow me.  Grief always puts me in a strange place and it has definitely put me in that strange place right now, wondering why my uncle is gone and wanting my family to be whole again.  Or questioning why he’s gone and I’m still here. I must still be here for a purpose, but in all honesty, I’m not sure how much use I’m going to be if I carry on like this.

Added into the mix is being hurt by another friend who was supposed to be close – someone I felt I confide in about anything – blowing me off, becoming increasingly self-centred and behaving like the others.   I’m seriously beginning to question my judge of character these days.  Add a dash of a certain someone going hot and cold, spewing words that don’t actually seem to mean a whole lot.  Stir in all that’s going on with my work in the community and thinking about money, but not wanting to waste my time doing something I don’t want to do, it’s a recipe for the emotional wreck that I am.

You see, I’m trying my best to be positive, not over think things or cast too many of my thoughts on other people, but that’s easier said than done.  I just want to lay down to sleep for a very long time and escape from all the worries, hurt and frustration.  I want to give my heart a rest.  I want to eliminate all the thoughts in my head.  I mean, as the quote says…



Give Us Your Heart

I can honestly say that it’s been an emotional week for me, but not in the way some might think.  It’s not because someone’s hurt me or I’ve been struggling with something in my life, but it’s been because of the way the world’s been effecting me. On Monday, I found myself crying after reading a raw, moving article on the injustices that black people have faced; and on Tuesday, I found myself in tears again after hearing firsthand about some of the disgusting behaviour that Polish and Lithuanian people in my hometown of Croydon had been subjected to.

The cruel, sad state of the world was breaking my heart again, but to an extent that I’d never felt before.  Inside of me, I could feel the overwhelming need to do something filling my body and it was having an intensely emotional effect on me.  I found myself waking up tired, because I had not been sleeping properly.  I found myself on my knees, praying to God for answers and begging to hear His voice, so I would know what action to take going forward.

It also made me recall one of William McDowell’s ad-libs in his song, Give Us Your Heart: “Break our hearts for the things that break yours”.  I realised that if my heart was breaking this much over the state of the world, I could not imagine how much more God’s heart is breaking over it.

Give Us Your Heart is my main song right now, for a number of reasons.  It’s beautiful, overflowing with emotion and the lyrics speak to me in a special way, particularly at this stage of my life and journey with God.  I not only want to understand and know God better, but I want a heart like His.  I want to have compassion and love for others, I want to support others in any way I can and ensure they feel that they are listened to.  I want them to feel that someone has their back, just like God has mine.

The song strongly begins to resonate with me when it gets to about the middle section, crying out for God to give us His heart.  I think the lyrics are incredibly powerful and speak for themselves:

“Give us your heart
Your heart for the nations
For this generation
Give us your heart
Give us your heart
For the wounded and the broken
For the widow and the orphan
Give us your heart
Give us your heart
For the lost and the dying
We hear your people crying
Give us your heart
Give us your heart
For the world that we live in
For the harvest that is waiting
Give us your heart.”

The voices then sing “Lord we will go” – we’ll go to the nations and this generation, the wounded and the broken, the widow and the orphan, the lost and the dying, to the world that we live in to reap the harvest that is waiting.  For me, this part of the song is very personal and I’ve found myself singing that I will go to the nations, to this generation, because it is what I want to do and feel that I need to do.  It is not only a deceleration, but it is like a prayer for me.

The line, “Fill us up and send us out” is then sung, which carries on the prayer, because I want God to fill me with His presence so I can then go out and do whatever it is that He has called me to do, because “I wanna live a life poured out”.  I want to be able to say that I’ve done all I can do for God and reached as many people as possible.  I want to make a genuine difference in the world, because I believe that it’s needed and my heart breaks for all the injustice.

Give Us Your Heart ends on an amazing high, with the voices singing: “We can change the world”.  I find this part of the song incredibly powerful and I believe that with God backing me, I can play a part in changing the world, one step at a time.  Others may doubt it or think I’m crazy, but I believe it and God believes in me, which is all that matters.

I believe that God is giving me His heart, and He has been doing so over the past few years, without me even realising it.  Now it is up to me to put it to good use and not waste it, because I not only want to live a life poured out, but I need to play a part in making a difference and helping others, as there is a “harvest that is waiting”.

My Kobe Bryant Heartbreak

Kobe Bryant, one of my favourite basketball players and one of the best to ever play the game, announced that he would retire at the end of the season.  When I read his beautiful, heartfelt letter on The Players’ Tribune, tears filled my eyes and ran down my face.  It was official.  My favourite [male] basketball player was officially coming to the end of his career.

It hurt me to see Kobe suffer from major injury, after major injury, over the past three seasons, especially as his age made it harder for him to fight back.  Kobe’s decline in this current season has broken my heart, as his body continues to break down, preventing him from being the stellar player we all know he is.  Unfortunately, he won’t be going out in a blaze of glory in his final season, but at least he can see that his time is up and I rate him for that.

When I became a basketball fan, Kobe Bryant was the first player that I fell in love with.  In fact, he was one of the main reasons why I became a Lakers fan and why I always will be.  I could see that he wasn’t perfect and had many flaws, but I love him for who he is.  One of the main reasons why I love Kobe is because of his work ethic.  He is tenacious and he will fight to win, carrying the whole team on his back and trying to get them back into a game all on his own.  It didn’t always work, but when it did, it was magic.

Kobe is also resilient, playing through pain and displaying the most unbelievable endurance.  His strength inspires me and sometimes when I work out, I think about what he does to motivate me and push me harder.  I may not be a sportsperson, but I definitely have the ability to push a little harder if he can shoot two free throws with a torn Achilles — that was an amazing moment for me.

Seeing Kobe play for the Lakers and appear in All-Star games has been a constant for me since I started following the NBA, so knowing that he will no longer be a part of that is really sad for me, but time does move on and people get older.  As much as I hate to say it, this is definitely the right time for Kobe to retire, but at least I’ve had the opportunity to see him play and watch him win two of those five championships.  I also got a close glimpse of him in London, after he’d won his second Olympic gold, which is something that I will treasure forever.

I know that this couldn’t have been an easy decision to make for Kobe, as you can see how much he loves the game, which made me love it right along with him.  Basketball is clearly his first love and having to give up your first love must be one of the hardest things to do.  However, Father Time is knocking and Kobe is showing grace by answering the door, so now it is time of us to start waving good-bye.  I just wish this goodbye could have ended in one final playoff run for him.

For now, I have to say thank you Kobe Bryant for the dedication you showed to the game of basketball and providing us with so many great moments.  You will forever be one of my favourite players and one of the best to ever grace the court.

Kobe Bryant