Happy

Riding The Two-Week Emotional Roller Coaster

Up, down,

Round and round,

Not knowing what to think,

What to feel,

Taking me on a roller coaster of emotions.

Riding that roller coaster

Over the past two weeks,

On a journey more special

Than I ever imagined.

Surrounded by friends,

Old and new,

Further developing my extended family,

I was encircled by love,

Filling my heart to the full,

Falling in love with all around me.

In spite of this love,

I felt a sadness,

Pain cutting through my heart

With no way to stop it.

Grief hit me,

A sense of loneliness overtook me,

Feeling hurt by somebody,

Like an outsider around everybody.

Taking some time out,

Some time to recuperate,

I began to heal, smile

Grow, learn,

Embrace all that was going on around me.

 

Suddenly, believing love was possible again,

Laying myself bare for all to see,

Gaining a better understanding of who I was,

And what I could really be.

Overcome with sadness to be going home,

But filled with happiness and glee,

It was time for this ride to come to an end,

It had become a little too much for me.

I finished this ride feeling

Like I had at the start,

A little unsure,

Quite out-of-place,

A little despondent at heart;

Not looking at some the same way,

Feeling a bond had been broken,

Confused at how I got someone so wrong,

But not surprised, as they are human.

My feelings may have been the same,

But I was different,

Reacting, handling things in a better way,

This emotional roller coaster was truly special,

No one can ever take that away.

Up and Down

The past week has been a real mixture of feeling up and down.  I’ve been happy, I’ve been excited, I’ve been thriving, but then I’ve been depressed, upset and annoyed.

I’ve found myself questioning the people around me, wondering whether I truly belong in the different family units I’m a part of and worrying about my job.  I feel uncomfortable in the places where I once felt comfortable and prefer to be alone (or with my sister), not usually speaking to anyone.

Seeing my granddad ill cuts me deep, as I just want him to be okay again and hear him speaking to me.  I want to hear one of his silly jokes or listen to one of his stories about his childhood.

However, I’m happy about some funding I’ve secured and about my interview with East London Lines.  I’m thankful for having a home and money in my account when so many others don’t.  I’m glad that I have a job, which I not only enjoy, but is also close to my house.  I’m happy that I have a sister who I love very much, and who is also my best friend.

But more than anything, I’m thankful for the God I serve who continues to support me and reassure me, even when I find myself constantly worried.  I know He will never let me down and He keeps me from going under into that dark place, which is hard to get out of once I’m in it.  Knowing that I have Him and His promises keeps me up when there is so much that gets me down.

My Short Film

As you may know, I’m passionate about young people and young people being the change they want to see in the world.  In fact, I want young people to use their voices, particularly through writing, to make themselves heard and start making those changes.

What you may not know, is that I recently made a short film with a charity called Fixers, which uses media to help young people ‘fix’ something in their community.  We thought that spoken word would be a powerful tool, so I wrote a spoken word piece (with a couple of lines added by my girl Britney), which became the script for the film.  This was actually the first time I wrote a spoken word piece, but as you know, I’m now all about writing poetry.

The film was shot in my beloved hometown of Croydon and I had some great young people reading the script — four of them just happened to be my friends and family (shout out to the beautiful Jemel, Rhianna, Nahed and Naomi).

When I eventually saw the film, I was so happy that I cried and I couldn’t wait to show it to everyone.  I had a launch for the film last Monday and it went live on YouTube the same day, giving everybody the opportunity to watch it.

But of course, I wanted to write a little something and share it with all of you, the community of bloggers who I love so much.  So below is the film and I hope you like it.  This is ‘What Would You Say?’