Giving Up, Not Waiting for Love

I haven’t written on here for a long while – which is really sad, cos this is one of my babies – partly because I have been busy or have not known what to write about.  However, I’ve now got so much I want to say, but I have no idea of where to start from, which is often the case.  My head is regularly a crazy jumble, whirling round with masses of thoughts and inner-venting.  The inner-venting seems like a good starting point, so I’m going to begin with venting on one of my favourite venting topics: guys.

Yes, that ancient frustration with guys continues to nag at me.  Is it any wonder why I’ve given up on love?  I’m genuinely serious, I’ve given up on love.  If it happens, it happens, but I am not holding my breath, especially as I am willfully trying to avoid love finding me.  I’m not really about dating anyone and I hate the concept of letting anyone remotely close to me, so I prefer to keep others at arm’s length.

Despite not wanting to date or get involved with anyone, guys insist on trying to work their way in.  This should be flattering, but it actually isn’t, considering most of them are time-wasters that end up putting me off guys even more.  In my opinion, if you purposefully go out of your way to make contact, you should be serious and actually want to get to know me as a person.  However, this is not their logic and it confounds me; like, I didn’t request your presence in my life.

I’m happy going along my merry way on my own, yet these guys feel that I must have them come along with me, as if they are somehow an answer to a prayer I never prayed.  In turn, this makes them feel somehow entitled, therefore enabling them to call the shots on how all things should run going forward.  They choose to speak or see you when it is convenient for them, they make it so that you have to come to them (even though they approached you), or the classic, they ask you to come to their house, because thinking of somewhere to go out is just too much.

I am beyond sick and tired of guys making interactions all about them – this actually extends beyond romantic interests and applies to all guys in general.  The conversation begins and ends when they feel.  Their time is more important than yours.  It’s alright for them to treat you any way they feel, even if it is unfair, hurtful or inconsiderate.  The majority of guys I know or know of are so self-absorbed, it is unbelievable.

But I digress.  Basically, I am over having guys in my life romantically.  Not only do I enjoy being single – able to focus on my work and do as I please – but I am fatigued by the disappointment, heartbreak and confusion that guys bring.  It seems to be a consistent and I am so done with it.  For some reason, my love life can never be normal or smooth-sailing.

The guys I tend to like do not like me back, or don’t take me seriously, or are only interested in sleeping with me – this is why compliments about my outer appearance mean so little now and compliments about my persona / inner being hold much more weight.

Then with the guys who do like me, I usually don’t like them back and I don’t want to force myself, because that is not fair on either of us.  And when I do start liking a guy who likes me, somehow their interest begins to lessen, until they stop liking me all together.  It is beyond ridiculous.

As I mentioned earlier, I hate letting anyone close or being vulnerable enough to let them in – it terrifies me.  Letting myself have feelings for anyone terrifies me too, because there is always that chance they will cause me pain.  Too many of the guys I have let in or caught feelings for have left, messed me around or caused deep hurt, which have at times taken me a long time to get over.  I refuse to find myself in those positions again.

I recently met someone who I connected with, almost immediately, which doesn’t happen often, automatically making the individual stand out in my eyes.  He proper made me laugh and I felt comfortable with him – he was genuinely someone that I would want to chill with on a regular basis.  Neither of us want to be in a relationship right now, but I did want to get to know him better on a friendship level (that is the best foundation after all).  However, it turns out he is just a typical guy and out to waste my time.  I really am sick of that.

I’m not going to lie, sometimes I would like that go-to person I can pick up the phone and chat to, share the good things and the bad, chill with, and share a sense of intimacy, but we can’t have it all.  For some reason, I don’t do well with love and I don’t see it coming my way.  I’ll just spread love in the world instead.


Getting to Me

People are getting to me, particularly guys.  I don’t want it to be the case and I try to put those negative feelings at bay, but I cannot help it.  There are certain individuals who do the most infuriating things or act in a certain way that bothers me, which makes me feel some type of way.

Like I’ve said before, I cannot always control my feelings and I cannot help how I feel about people, especially as I watch the way some of them behave.  I’m tired of the attitudes that I’m forced to deal with or weird antics in friendships, so I never actually know where I stand.  I’m sick of all the lies and false promises, and please do not get me started on the countless clones and fakes walking around.

Yet what gets to me the most is guys, which seems to be a common occurrence in my life, and probably the lives of so many other females.  Too many guys behave in the most ridiculous, annoying and confusing ways, making me constantly wonder if I will ever find someone in this lifetime.

The majority of males I come across are incredibly selfish — everything needs to be on their terms, on their time and excuse me if anyone brings up their faults or mistakes, because every word should be what they want to hear.  I’m tired of guys saying girls and relationships are drama, simply because they cannot handle the truth or a little criticism.  Half of the time, it is them who starts the drama.

There are also too many guys who have a problem with holding a conversation — I’m not even going to stretch to meaningful conversation, because they don’t possess the ability to get to that level.  I want to be able to talk to someone and have the conversation flow, without having to tell them what I’ve been doing over and over again or deal with monosyllabic responses.

However, guys have no problem finding something to say when it comes to the subject of relationships or sex.  I don’t understand why guys think it is okay to ask if a female is a virgin, particularly during the second conversation in their lifetime, and then require a full explanation to go with the answer.  I cannot comprehend why they need to be so intrusive or why sex is a major factor on the forefront of their minds.  It makes me seriously question the motives of the male in question.

Then there are the men who don’t want to get into their feelings and refuse to open up to you, or the men who are way up in their feelings and get emotional about everything.  There are the guys who are overly forceful or forward, and the guys who are too passive and afraid to make their move.  And there are the guys who are manipulative, dishonest, confused about what they want or straight up disrespectful.

To be fair, there’s probably a lot more I could say, but I don’t want to keep on bashing guys, because there are actually some good ones out there and us females aren’t perfect either — we have plenty of flaws and issues.  However, it is guys that have been getting to me more than anything recently and I’ve wanted to express this for a little while.

All I want is for a man to step up and prove me wrong, because I am tired of giving guys the benefit of the doubt and finding out they are the same as everyone else.  I’m tired of giving guys a chance and having them throw it back in my face.  I want to be able to put my trust in someone and I want to be able to feel deeply for someone again, but I feel that it is a long time coming and almost out of reach.

Tumbling and Turning Thoughts

My mind is like a washing machine, with thoughts and questions tumbling and turning around in my head.  I jump from one point to another, thinking about various aspects of my life and trying to stay positive, not letting the inner demons take over.

Wondering will anything actually go right for me, instead of regularly sinking in the wrong direction or throwing me off course.  However, I need to remember that God always comes through for me and that I need to have faith in Him, faith in what He will do for me, faith in His perfect timing.

I find myself asking, why do people keep leaving me?  Not just friends, but those advising me and helping me through certain endeavours in my life, moving on to pastures anew when I’ve become comfortable and built up trust with them.  However, I need to remember that they’re not specifically leaving me, but just going forward in their life and who am I to prevent them from doing that.

Then there is the issue of love, my heart, the guys in my life.  Oh, the guys in my life.  Why can’t I like the ones who like me, rather than liking the wrong ones or the guys who are never going to like me?  Why does my mind keep coming back to the same guy, who is definitely the wrong guy?  Thinking I’m going to be single for a very long time, that my vision of love doesn’t look like it’s coming anytime soon.  However, I need to remember to be patient and faithful, believing that God will send me the right guy at the right time in my life.

I’m frustrated, I’m upset, I’m conflicted and tired of trying to get things done, but having them go wrong.  Yet I’m thankful, strong enough to get through and getting more resilient all the time.  My God has always helped me through and He will never let me down, so despite all the negative questions and thoughts, I’m holding on.