God

Love of My Life

The love of my life.

Honestly, I don’t know why,

I don’t know how

I didn’t realise or acknowledge it sooner.

Referring instead to college basketball,

which is one

of the great loves of my life;

yet its done nothing for me

and my feelings could change

as they have for the NFL and NBA.

My love for You will never change,

unless you count it growing stronger

each passing day.

I know Your love for me is unwavering,

deep,

the truest love I’ll ever know.

You’re my constant,

always to be relied upon,

never to let me down;

an ear that never fails to listen,

strong arms that cannot drop me

and a heart I know is genuine.

Your consistent character

means I always know where I stand.

Lies never come from your mouth,

empty words neither,

Your promises the sole ones that matter.

That’s why I’ve given You my heart,

it’s Yours to have

forever;

I know You won’t disrespect it,

discard it,

destroy it;

only nurture it,

protect it,

care for it;

take time to heal,

cleanse,

mould it.

You not only have my heart,

but You have all of me,

wanting to devote my life to You,

prove I’m worthy;

because You are perfection,

that’s no exaggeration,

while I’m tarnished,

not even worthy to be in Your presence.

In spite of this,

You still want me there with You;

giving your precious time

and care,

showering me with love unconditional.

I cannot wait to spend

my eternity with You,

finally gazing on the face

of the ultimate love of my life,

who saved me through grace and mercy,

continuously forgave me

and filled the heart

that had broken into pieces.

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Not Caring to Live

“Let’s stay in our bed and die.”

“I want to lay down and die.”

Just two of the selection of things I casually say without thinking, not really wanting to die, but not caring to live either.  I guess I need to be careful about making these sorts of comments, because one day God will make my words a reality and I’ll have breathed my last breath.

I don’t like life though and I find myself constantly tiring of it, no matter how hard I try and no matter how much I fight to stay positive.  It’s a frustrating battle, where I usually feel like the loser, watching so many others on the winning side.

I know it’s not good, because life is a gift and I’m here when so many others aren’t, but I can’t help wondering how much I’m really contributing.  I feel that I have a purpose, yet I’m not fully living up to it and that my attempts to make a difference are not making any real impact.  So often I want to give up, but I know it’s not the right thing to do, so I keep pressing on, and on, and on.

Some days are better than others, when I’m rearing to go and ready to conquer whatever tasks lay ahead of me.  However, there are so many down days and dark moments, when I want to cry, do nothing and sleep forever.  Sadness overwhelms me and I question, “What am I doing?”  Ostracising myself from others seems like the only option and no matter how much I attempt to talk myself around, the negative thoughts keep batting me down.

Wondering if I suffer from depression, but I have no idea.  I know that my PMS brings on depressed feelings and self-harm has been my uphill struggle.  I know that I wrestle with confidence and I have incredibly low self-esteem, but being clinically depressed – I don’t know.

All I know is that I struggle to believe in myself and what I do.  I find it hard not to compare myself to others and feel inferior as I watch them reaching new heights.  I feel lonely, let-down and lacking.  I’m tired, wondering if my goals are worth working towards.  I feel a sense of hopelessness, doubting my dreams will ever come true.

Most of all, I feel horrible, because I don’t want to feel this way at all and I want to have faith in all God has in store for me.  I want to genuinely believe that He’ll make my dreams come true, have hope in all that He has for me and trust that all I ask for will come from Him.

Yet I can’t shake off that feeling of wanting to “lay down and die”…

A New Perspective

It’s interesting how something can just hit you, when you’re least expecting it, bringing a whole new perspective.  That’s what happened to me today, when God spoke to me unexpectedly through my Sabbath School Lesson.

Studying about the Holy Spirit has been extremely interesting to me so far, revealing new things about this element of the Godhead to me and how it impacts our lives.  However, today’s particular lesson spoke to me on another level, as it dwelt on the effect that the Holy Spirit has on our thoughts and actions, giving “evidence of God’s work in us”.

Reading through and taking in what the writer expressed about the Holy Spirit influencing some of the thoughts that we have and the acts of kindness we carry out, brought me back to my purpose and the mission God has set out for me.  It helped me to understand the overwhelming tugging on my heart, urging me to go out and make a difference in the world.   It allowed me to think about where my sense of good comes from.  In a way, it showed me why I view aspects of the world differently to others.

I’ve been asking God to speak to me and show me if I’m following the path He’s set out for me – I want to be sure that I’m doing the right thing and moving in step with Him, as I’ve made too many mistakes simply by being out of step with Him.  Getting an answer had been a struggle, but as soon as I studied today’s lesson, the answer was laid out clear to me.  A big smile lit up my face as I became exceedingly glad, thankful that God speaks to me in a variety of ways and that He will always give me an answer, even if it takes a little longer than I would like.

There are times when I wrestle with my purpose or find myself doubting the ability to embrace my calling, but I know that it is what God has set out for me and I trust Him.  He would never give me more than I can handle and with Him by my side I am more than a conqueror.  Now it’s up to me to keep on believing that.