Not Caring to Live

“Let’s stay in our bed and die.”

“I want to lay down and die.”

Just two of the selection of things I casually say without thinking, not really wanting to die, but not caring to live either.  I guess I need to be careful about making these sorts of comments, because one day God will make my words a reality and I’ll have breathed my last breath.

I don’t like life though and I find myself constantly tiring of it, no matter how hard I try and no matter how much I fight to stay positive.  It’s a frustrating battle, where I usually feel like the loser, watching so many others on the winning side.

I know it’s not good, because life is a gift and I’m here when so many others aren’t, but I can’t help wondering how much I’m really contributing.  I feel that I have a purpose, yet I’m not fully living up to it and that my attempts to make a difference are not making any real impact.  So often I want to give up, but I know it’s not the right thing to do, so I keep pressing on, and on, and on.

Some days are better than others, when I’m rearing to go and ready to conquer whatever tasks lay ahead of me.  However, there are so many down days and dark moments, when I want to cry, do nothing and sleep forever.  Sadness overwhelms me and I question, “What am I doing?”  Ostracising myself from others seems like the only option and no matter how much I attempt to talk myself around, the negative thoughts keep batting me down.

Wondering if I suffer from depression, but I have no idea.  I know that my PMS brings on depressed feelings and self-harm has been my uphill struggle.  I know that I wrestle with confidence and I have incredibly low self-esteem, but being clinically depressed – I don’t know.

All I know is that I struggle to believe in myself and what I do.  I find it hard not to compare myself to others and feel inferior as I watch them reaching new heights.  I feel lonely, let-down and lacking.  I’m tired, wondering if my goals are worth working towards.  I feel a sense of hopelessness, doubting my dreams will ever come true.

Most of all, I feel horrible, because I don’t want to feel this way at all and I want to have faith in all God has in store for me.  I want to genuinely believe that He’ll make my dreams come true, have hope in all that He has for me and trust that all I ask for will come from Him.

Yet I can’t shake off that feeling of wanting to “lay down and die”…


A New Perspective

It’s interesting how something can just hit you, when you’re least expecting it, bringing a whole new perspective.  That’s what happened to me today, when God spoke to me unexpectedly through my Sabbath School Lesson.

Studying about the Holy Spirit has been extremely interesting to me so far, revealing new things about this element of the Godhead to me and how it impacts our lives.  However, today’s particular lesson spoke to me on another level, as it dwelt on the effect that the Holy Spirit has on our thoughts and actions, giving “evidence of God’s work in us”.

Reading through and taking in what the writer expressed about the Holy Spirit influencing some of the thoughts that we have and the acts of kindness we carry out, brought me back to my purpose and the mission God has set out for me.  It helped me to understand the overwhelming tugging on my heart, urging me to go out and make a difference in the world.   It allowed me to think about where my sense of good comes from.  In a way, it showed me why I view aspects of the world differently to others.

I’ve been asking God to speak to me and show me if I’m following the path He’s set out for me – I want to be sure that I’m doing the right thing and moving in step with Him, as I’ve made too many mistakes simply by being out of step with Him.  Getting an answer had been a struggle, but as soon as I studied today’s lesson, the answer was laid out clear to me.  A big smile lit up my face as I became exceedingly glad, thankful that God speaks to me in a variety of ways and that He will always give me an answer, even if it takes a little longer than I would like.

There are times when I wrestle with my purpose or find myself doubting the ability to embrace my calling, but I know that it is what God has set out for me and I trust Him.  He would never give me more than I can handle and with Him by my side I am more than a conqueror.  Now it’s up to me to keep on believing that.

Give Us Your Heart

I can honestly say that it’s been an emotional week for me, but not in the way some might think.  It’s not because someone’s hurt me or I’ve been struggling with something in my life, but it’s been because of the way the world’s been effecting me. On Monday, I found myself crying after reading a raw, moving article on the injustices that black people have faced; and on Tuesday, I found myself in tears again after hearing firsthand about some of the disgusting behaviour that Polish and Lithuanian people in my hometown of Croydon had been subjected to.

The cruel, sad state of the world was breaking my heart again, but to an extent that I’d never felt before.  Inside of me, I could feel the overwhelming need to do something filling my body and it was having an intensely emotional effect on me.  I found myself waking up tired, because I had not been sleeping properly.  I found myself on my knees, praying to God for answers and begging to hear His voice, so I would know what action to take going forward.

It also made me recall one of William McDowell’s ad-libs in his song, Give Us Your Heart: “Break our hearts for the things that break yours”.  I realised that if my heart was breaking this much over the state of the world, I could not imagine how much more God’s heart is breaking over it.

Give Us Your Heart is my main song right now, for a number of reasons.  It’s beautiful, overflowing with emotion and the lyrics speak to me in a special way, particularly at this stage of my life and journey with God.  I not only want to understand and know God better, but I want a heart like His.  I want to have compassion and love for others, I want to support others in any way I can and ensure they feel that they are listened to.  I want them to feel that someone has their back, just like God has mine.

The song strongly begins to resonate with me when it gets to about the middle section, crying out for God to give us His heart.  I think the lyrics are incredibly powerful and speak for themselves:

“Give us your heart
Your heart for the nations
For this generation
Give us your heart
Give us your heart
For the wounded and the broken
For the widow and the orphan
Give us your heart
Give us your heart
For the lost and the dying
We hear your people crying
Give us your heart
Give us your heart
For the world that we live in
For the harvest that is waiting
Give us your heart.”

The voices then sing “Lord we will go” – we’ll go to the nations and this generation, the wounded and the broken, the widow and the orphan, the lost and the dying, to the world that we live in to reap the harvest that is waiting.  For me, this part of the song is very personal and I’ve found myself singing that I will go to the nations, to this generation, because it is what I want to do and feel that I need to do.  It is not only a deceleration, but it is like a prayer for me.

The line, “Fill us up and send us out” is then sung, which carries on the prayer, because I want God to fill me with His presence so I can then go out and do whatever it is that He has called me to do, because “I wanna live a life poured out”.  I want to be able to say that I’ve done all I can do for God and reached as many people as possible.  I want to make a genuine difference in the world, because I believe that it’s needed and my heart breaks for all the injustice.

Give Us Your Heart ends on an amazing high, with the voices singing: “We can change the world”.  I find this part of the song incredibly powerful and I believe that with God backing me, I can play a part in changing the world, one step at a time.  Others may doubt it or think I’m crazy, but I believe it and God believes in me, which is all that matters.

I believe that God is giving me His heart, and He has been doing so over the past few years, without me even realising it.  Now it is up to me to put it to good use and not waste it, because I not only want to live a life poured out, but I need to play a part in making a difference and helping others, as there is a “harvest that is waiting”.