Not Caring to Live

“Let’s stay in our bed and die.”

“I want to lay down and die.”

Just two of the selection of things I casually say without thinking, not really wanting to die, but not caring to live either.  I guess I need to be careful about making these sorts of comments, because one day God will make my words a reality and I’ll have breathed my last breath.

I don’t like life though and I find myself constantly tiring of it, no matter how hard I try and no matter how much I fight to stay positive.  It’s a frustrating battle, where I usually feel like the loser, watching so many others on the winning side.

I know it’s not good, because life is a gift and I’m here when so many others aren’t, but I can’t help wondering how much I’m really contributing.  I feel that I have a purpose, yet I’m not fully living up to it and that my attempts to make a difference are not making any real impact.  So often I want to give up, but I know it’s not the right thing to do, so I keep pressing on, and on, and on.

Some days are better than others, when I’m rearing to go and ready to conquer whatever tasks lay ahead of me.  However, there are so many down days and dark moments, when I want to cry, do nothing and sleep forever.  Sadness overwhelms me and I question, “What am I doing?”  Ostracising myself from others seems like the only option and no matter how much I attempt to talk myself around, the negative thoughts keep batting me down.

Wondering if I suffer from depression, but I have no idea.  I know that my PMS brings on depressed feelings and self-harm has been my uphill struggle.  I know that I wrestle with confidence and I have incredibly low self-esteem, but being clinically depressed – I don’t know.

All I know is that I struggle to believe in myself and what I do.  I find it hard not to compare myself to others and feel inferior as I watch them reaching new heights.  I feel lonely, let-down and lacking.  I’m tired, wondering if my goals are worth working towards.  I feel a sense of hopelessness, doubting my dreams will ever come true.

Most of all, I feel horrible, because I don’t want to feel this way at all and I want to have faith in all God has in store for me.  I want to genuinely believe that He’ll make my dreams come true, have hope in all that He has for me and trust that all I ask for will come from Him.

Yet I can’t shake off that feeling of wanting to “lay down and die”…


Writing is my way of expression,

Of letting out emotions;

It is the avenue to my soul.

Through writing I am able get out the words,

The words that I want to say from my mouth,

But instead get confused or muddled up.

So I write the words down on paper,

Or type them on a keyboard,

Letting them run freely from the avenue of my mind,

Expressing myself better than I could through speech.

It is writing that has gotten me through the hard times,

And writing that has allowed me to speak my mind.

I’ve been able to tell people things,

Things I’d never thought I’d say,

Because writing it down make it simpler,

Allowing me to think the words through.

Writing is my first love,

I don’t know where I’d be without it,

But it’s also a gift from God,

And I won’t ever forget it.

Creativity Runs Deep

Recently, I’ve been making a lot of references to my love of the creative arts.  I have been blessed with a creative mind and creativity runs deep in my heart and soul.  Creativity is a huge part of what makes me who I am and the creative arts have a great ability to touch me and speak to my emotions.

I am a huge fan of the creative arts – I love music, fine art, graphic art, design, television, film, dance and of course fashion, textiles and theatre.  I have studied fashion and textiles at different periods of my life, and I have also written a small number of stage plays that have been performed at my church, but it is my dream to have one of my plays performed on a theatre stage.

Yesterday I went to the theatre for my Dad’s birthday and I am so glad that I did, because I was able to watch one of the most moving and amazing pieces of theatre.  I had never heard of The Scottsboro Boys before last night, but now they will be in a permanent part of my mind and the story will stay forever entwined in my heart.

The play was based on a true story of injustice, racism and the struggle that came with being black and living in the South of the USA.  This powerful tale was created into a special piece of musical theatre, which effectively combined the seriousness and deep sadness of the tale with humour.

It also helped that the acting, singing and dancing was on point.  The harmonies were stunning and I loved the tap routines, especially during the song about the electric chair.

I love music, dance, theatre and history, so this play was definitely a treat for me.  It touched me, broke my heart and brought tears to my eyes, but it also had me laughing and smiling throughout.  I would definitely recommend The Scottsboro Boys to anyone who is planning to go to the theatre and I urge everyone to research into the story behind the play.

Last night confirmed to me just how much I love the theatre and I see that I need to go to the theatre more often.  It also made me even more determined to get one of plays on a big stage one day.  I want to share my gift with all the world, because creativity is at the heart of who I am.