Friendships

Love Letter to TCFT

To TCFT,

I was a shell when I met you,

Waiting to be cracked open,

Released,

Set free into the world.

Closing myself off,

Not seeing my potential,

Believing I was good enough

Or able to reach my dreams.

Fearful of everything –

Rejection,

Being vulnerable,

Isolation,

Looking a fool;

But with you,

I cracked open,

Potential spilling out,

Fears released;

You taught me how to fly.

A confidence began to grow,

A confidence I never knew I had,

Breaking out of my comfort zone,

But feeling comfortable,

The good replacing the bad.

A place where I could be vulnerable,

Reveal the inner me,

Act a little weirdly,

Laugh loudly,

Or openly express my grief.

Learning how to fly

Just scratches the surface

Of what you mean to me

TCFT,

I never imagined two years ago

In Bosnia,

I’d have another huge family;

Like a lamb thrown to the wolves,

I didn’t know where to turn,

But I was adopted in,

Joined the pack,

Found a home away from home.

The love I feel is like no other,

Support beyond compare,

Hugs, kisses, kind words

Around every corner,

Bright smiles

And touches of care.

It started with my house sisters,

Nomes and Ellie,

Who shared a room with me;

Then Filip and Rory made me feel part of the pack,

Voice-noting the sister who means the world to me.

The care shown by Mikica and Robert,

Nevena and Ljubiša when I felt anaemic,

Bonding over dinner with Nina and Marko,

Sitting down to talk with Sandra.

Also having a heart-to-heart with Naomi,

A never-ending handshake with Miguel,

Chatting for hours with Saaf,

Dancing with Saša.

Thank you Tina for being my constant champion,

Thank you Darren for your thoughtful advice,

Thank you Mary for coming down to Croydon

And filming my poetry night.

I love you Francesco for being so full of life,

I love you Ismir for your beautiful smile,

I love you Luka for being so cute and sweet,

I love you Carina for your kind heart.

The list is endless,

I could go on for hours,

You’ve all touched my life in some way;

We’re family,

You’re in my heart,

Forever there you’ll stay.

You’ve given me a place to belong,

Which I never thought I’d find,

You gave me a gift

And so much more to write;

An answer to a prayer

I had no idea I prayed.

So this letter is to you TCFT,

My life-changer,

A gift from God,

My family;

I love you with all my heart

And always will.

Love

Shaniqua, Shefika, Shani

Am I The Problem???

Am I The Problem?

Am I the problem is the question that I have been continuously asking myself, especially over the past few weeks.

For some reason, a number of my friends seem to stop caring and distance themselves from me.  The guys that claim to like me are either dishonest or disloyal, whilst the others play games or just simply start acting as if I don’t exist.

I started to believe that I was the problem and that something was wrong with me, as it seemed like I was so hard to care about.

However, my sister rightly pointed out to me that I wasn’t the only person this happened to, so I should not put so much pressure on myself.  She also agreed with a friend of mine, who said that it was not about me, but rather about changes in situations and the people in question.

I have listened to both of them and I can now see that it is not me who is the problem.  Yes, I sometimes bring certain situations upon myself and no, my actions are not always perfect, but I am not usually the problem factor.

The world is just unfair, which makes people unfair and that can hurt sometimes.  However, I can now turn around and say that I am not the problem.  The others are the problem and they are the ones who have lost out on having me in their life.

Special Little Things

I love the small acts of kindness and special little things that the people in my life do for me.  They may be small, but they have a big impact and they make me feel extremely happy.  The most unexpected things may also make me very excited and put a huge smile on my face.

I came home today to find that my dad had sent me some magazines that I really wanted and it just made my day.  I had been thinking about these magazines for a good while, but I had not bought them myself.  So when I found that he had sent them without me even telling him, I was just ecstatic.

My dad does things like this all the time, which makes me all the more appreciative of him.  If he sees them on offer, he will buy me books with the most beautiful covers, because he knows how much I adore them.  He also bought a book that I really wanted to help with my career, and I just loved that.

However, there are many others in my life who do little things that brighten up my day, like my friend in prison who sent me a beautiful sketch, a surprise Christmas card and a card that arrived bang on my birthday.

I love when my mum comes home with Cadbury’s mini eggs, which is my ever favourite chocolate, or something special for dinner.  It always warms my heart when my grandma writes lovely little notes or letters filled with words of love and encouragement.  I appreciate the care my sister takes of me when I’m not feeling well, especially when she makes me hot drinks.

I love, love, loved the amazingly beautiful cards that my loved ones gave to me on my 21st birthday and the gorgeous speech that my twin made, which just melted my heart.  And it just means a lot to me whenever any one of my friends take a little bit of time out of their day to check up on me or just drop me a line about absolutely anything.

For me, life isn’t all about the big extravagant gestures.  The small, tiny, minute acts mean just as much; sometimes even more so.  I find that I am far more impressed by the small things in life, rather than the big or over the top things, especially if they are a surprise.  That is an easy way to put a smile on my face.