Friendship

A Priceless Friend

This is the second individual to get a post solely about them in my series of posts about the beauties who have played a special part in my 2018, simply because they are that special.  She is one of my closest friends, who I’ve always treasured but can take unfairly take for granted at times.  I will always see her at least once or twice in a year, but this year we spent more time together, which was really nice.

Pebbles spoils me more than I deserve, which is not the reason behind why we are so close or why I love her so much.  We’ve been close friends since leaving secondary school, where we were in a number of classes together, bonding over music, High School Musical and Hollyoaks.  She’s been a constant in my life since then.

This year, we met up to eat, play board games, sit in the park and watch movies – I’ve got her to thank for watching Inside Out, which I loved.  Of course, there was plenty of chat and laughter along the way, filling each other in on what was going on in our lives.

However, what made her such a special part of my 2018 was going on holiday together – there is a lot more to this story, but not everyone needs to know it.  We went to my beloved Italy, staying in stunning Sorrento, where we walked through a lemon grove, ate gelato everyday and enjoyed some good shopping.  We also visited the ruins of Pompeii and Herculaneum – we love ourselves some history – which was a surreal experience.  Although they were amazing to witness firsthand and so much was stunning to look at, it was weird to be in the midst of places that had been completely wiped out and claimed so many lives.

It was great to eat gorgeous food, see beautiful sights and stay in a new place with my friend, but the best thing about our trip was that it made us closer.  Often, trips can make or break friendships, but this trip definitely made ours.  One of my favourite moments was when we had a frank, honest conversation over dinner on the last night, opening up about various things effecting us and speaking up about friendship like we haven’t before.  I felt like I knew her a lot better after that night.

Pebbles and I have been friends for over 10 years, and I wholeheartedly believe that we’re going to be friends for 10 years more and beyond, as long as God grants me the breath in my body.  Friends like Pebs are rare, precious, priceless diamonds – you do not want to lose them.  I’m beyond grateful for a friend like Pebs in my life, and writing this is just a small thing to let her know how much I love and value her.

A Much Needed Release

I really want to write something today.  In fact, I feel like I need to write something today.  I guess that there are a lot of pent-up feelings inside that need to be released and my beloved writing is my best outlet for that.

There are a number of things going on in my mind these days – more than I even want or would care to mention.  Sometimes they keep me from sleeping, sometimes they make me feel sad, and sometimes they simply remind me of a worse time.  That is one of the last things I want.

In all honesty, it is mostly my crowdfunding campaign that is occupying my thoughts and draining my energy little by little.  I desperately want it to succeed and reach as many individuals as possible, but man is it hard work.  I knew it was going to be hard, but I could never have imagined just how difficult this task would be.  I’m putting it in God’s hands though and I know that with Him I will succeed – I mean, with God for me who can be against me.

I’m finding myself thinking about my late grandad and aunty a lot recently as well and I’m not sure why.  All I know is that I keep thinking about when I lost them or their funerals or how much I miss them, and it hurts my heart.  Tears spring to my eyes and emotion builds up inside of me, knowing that I have to live the rest of my life without them.  I don’t think I’ll ever fully get past that.

Then there is a situation with a certain friend of mine, which has been causing me a lot of frustration and sometimes upset.  Certain things need to be raised with him, but I don’t know how to do it and I don’t want to cause any unnecessary unrest in his life.  I keep putting it off, even though I know the conversation needs to be had and the whole situation has been bothering me without his knowledge.  I hate rocking the boat, but I don’t like unresolved issues in my relationships with those I am close to, especially when it makes me start feeling like a fake.  I also can’t have situations negatively effecting my emotional wellbeing and not doing anything about it, because that’s not healthy.  I just need to somehow have this conversation.

And then there is a certain someone who has made a surprise reappearance in my life and wants to pick up where they left off, but cannot be relied upon or trusted.  I’ve been here before with them and they’ve completely left my life, without warning or explanation.  I know this could easily happen again, which is why I don’t want any attachment to form, but this person unfortunately always finds a way of getting into my head and I hate it.  I am planning to keep my distance though and let them talk to me when they want, because I refuse to repeat the mistakes of my past and feel hurt, rejection and confusion.  I’m done with all of that.

There are many more things on my mind, but like I said, I don’t want or care to mention them all.  I’ve expressed what I’ve wanted to express, which feels like a burden lifted, although my head is still throbbing a little.  I think I just need a holiday.

You Saw Me

You saw me;

You looked past my smile,

The one you said was beautiful,

And you saw me;

Looking past the mask

I wear so well,

You saw me.

You saw the sadness,

The pain I’ve felt,

All the heartbreak and anguish,

Going deeper than the surface

And seeing into my soul;

Not like so many others,

Who say I’m always happy,

You saw me,

The real me —

The real me

That most don’t get the chance,

Or take the time to see.

You saw me,

Taking me by surprise

In a way no one ever has before;

Instantly that connection was made.

Conversation flowed,

Stories were shared,

Somehow I opened up,

I never thought I would again.

You saw me,

Accepted me for everything I am,

Made me smile, cry and laugh,

Start believing I could open my heart again.

So much more

I wish I could have said to you,

But the past is the past;

I plan to meet you once more,

As you’re in my heart forever

And my love for you will always last,

Because you who saw me.