Friendship

How Can I Stay Silent?

I don’t know how this post is gonna turn out, because I fully don’t have the words I want to say yet. They’re just going to come to me as I type and let my heart come spilling out, because my heart is beyond full right now and my emotions are heightened, but in the best possible way. All I know is that I can’t keep silent. How can I keep silent? Especially in this time of so much madness and sadness, hope and happiness need to be shared.

I cannot stop smiling and the happiest of tears are coming to my eyes. It really is a beautiful day and I could not thank God anymore for it. I’m trying to say all I want about Him right now, but it’s coming out in some mad jumble because I am so overwhelmed. My brain won’t stop jumping around and I can’t contain the joy I feel.

God has granted me much more than I deserve, showing me grace, favour, mercy and love, time after time after time. He’s forgiven me, been patient with me through all my transgressions, supported me through my crazy and never, ever given up on me. I’m still a work in progress, but He’s okay with that and I know He’s got my back forever.

In the stillness, I’ve been able to reflect, meditate and spend some good time in prayer, which led to me learning and figuring out a whole lot about myself. A whole lot that needed fixing and facing up to, despite how ugly and difficult it was. But I’m beyond better for it now. A weight has been lifted, shackles have been loosed and my heart is finally healing fully.

I am not my past or insecurity or stupid mistakes. I am so much more than I ever thought I was, because I am a child of God who is forever loved, blessed and favoured. And because He loves me, I am valued, validated, beautiful, cared for and good enough. Through God, I am an overcomer, more than a conqueror, strong, kind, resilient, bold and so much more. There is potential and power in me I haven’t even reached yet, but He knows and is already setting the plans in motion.

Through my reflections, I knew that one of the things I had to do was reach out and apologise to a friend I have a loaded history with, because I hadn’t done that despite the many years that had passed. I was anxious and afraid, worried that it would ruin our friendship or that he’d take the words the wrong way, but God used that apology to pave the way for a conversation we’d needed to have for so long. We were able to clear the air, be fully honest, listen to each other, forgive each other and put the building blocks in place for a stronger, better, healthier and more fulfilling relationship. I couldn’t be more thankful for that – God’s timing is always best.

So today, I’m not keeping silent, even though I may be rambling a little. There is so much more of my story to come, but for now, I’m so blessed to be living in grace and basking in the love my God has shone on me. This song says it all.

A Priceless Friend

This is the second individual to get a post solely about them in my series of posts about the beauties who have played a special part in my 2018, simply because they are that special.  She is one of my closest friends, who I’ve always treasured but can take unfairly take for granted at times.  I will always see her at least once or twice in a year, but this year we spent more time together, which was really nice.

Pebbles spoils me more than I deserve, which is not the reason behind why we are so close or why I love her so much.  We’ve been close friends since leaving secondary school, where we were in a number of classes together, bonding over music, High School Musical and Hollyoaks.  She’s been a constant in my life since then.

This year, we met up to eat, play board games, sit in the park and watch movies – I’ve got her to thank for watching Inside Out, which I loved.  Of course, there was plenty of chat and laughter along the way, filling each other in on what was going on in our lives.

However, what made her such a special part of my 2018 was going on holiday together – there is a lot more to this story, but not everyone needs to know it.  We went to my beloved Italy, staying in stunning Sorrento, where we walked through a lemon grove, ate gelato everyday and enjoyed some good shopping.  We also visited the ruins of Pompeii and Herculaneum – we love ourselves some history – which was a surreal experience.  Although they were amazing to witness firsthand and so much was stunning to look at, it was weird to be in the midst of places that had been completely wiped out and claimed so many lives.

It was great to eat gorgeous food, see beautiful sights and stay in a new place with my friend, but the best thing about our trip was that it made us closer.  Often, trips can make or break friendships, but this trip definitely made ours.  One of my favourite moments was when we had a frank, honest conversation over dinner on the last night, opening up about various things effecting us and speaking up about friendship like we haven’t before.  I felt like I knew her a lot better after that night.

Pebbles and I have been friends for over 10 years, and I wholeheartedly believe that we’re going to be friends for 10 years more and beyond, as long as God grants me the breath in my body.  Friends like Pebs are rare, precious, priceless diamonds – you do not want to lose them.  I’m beyond grateful for a friend like Pebs in my life, and writing this is just a small thing to let her know how much I love and value her.

A Much Needed Release

I really want to write something today.  In fact, I feel like I need to write something today.  I guess that there are a lot of pent-up feelings inside that need to be released and my beloved writing is my best outlet for that.

There are a number of things going on in my mind these days – more than I even want or would care to mention.  Sometimes they keep me from sleeping, sometimes they make me feel sad, and sometimes they simply remind me of a worse time.  That is one of the last things I want.

In all honesty, it is mostly my crowdfunding campaign that is occupying my thoughts and draining my energy little by little.  I desperately want it to succeed and reach as many individuals as possible, but man is it hard work.  I knew it was going to be hard, but I could never have imagined just how difficult this task would be.  I’m putting it in God’s hands though and I know that with Him I will succeed – I mean, with God for me who can be against me.

I’m finding myself thinking about my late grandad and aunty a lot recently as well and I’m not sure why.  All I know is that I keep thinking about when I lost them or their funerals or how much I miss them, and it hurts my heart.  Tears spring to my eyes and emotion builds up inside of me, knowing that I have to live the rest of my life without them.  I don’t think I’ll ever fully get past that.

Then there is a situation with a certain friend of mine, which has been causing me a lot of frustration and sometimes upset.  Certain things need to be raised with him, but I don’t know how to do it and I don’t want to cause any unnecessary unrest in his life.  I keep putting it off, even though I know the conversation needs to be had and the whole situation has been bothering me without his knowledge.  I hate rocking the boat, but I don’t like unresolved issues in my relationships with those I am close to, especially when it makes me start feeling like a fake.  I also can’t have situations negatively effecting my emotional wellbeing and not doing anything about it, because that’s not healthy.  I just need to somehow have this conversation.

And then there is a certain someone who has made a surprise reappearance in my life and wants to pick up where they left off, but cannot be relied upon or trusted.  I’ve been here before with them and they’ve completely left my life, without warning or explanation.  I know this could easily happen again, which is why I don’t want any attachment to form, but this person unfortunately always finds a way of getting into my head and I hate it.  I am planning to keep my distance though and let them talk to me when they want, because I refuse to repeat the mistakes of my past and feel hurt, rejection and confusion.  I’m done with all of that.

There are many more things on my mind, but like I said, I don’t want or care to mention them all.  I’ve expressed what I’ve wanted to express, which feels like a burden lifted, although my head is still throbbing a little.  I think I just need a holiday.