Friend

A Kindred Spirit

After writing about a duo and groups of individuals, this is the first of my series that will be written about a single person.  It had to be done, as this person is part of my YP Insight family, she joined the TCFT community after participating in TCFT Croydon 2018, and most of all, she has become one of my good friends.  It’s weird, I feel like I’ve known her for years when we only met in June, but I guess it’s because we stay in such regular contact.

We didn’t speak much when she came to Poetic Insight for the first time – I was doing my host thing.  Our friendship really started when she joined me on one of my walks home from Croydon in the summer.  I appreciated the company and enjoyed some quality, humorous conversation, making a change to the solitary walks to music I’d usually take.

Although it was only one walk, the quality conversations have continued over catch ups or at events.  We also have numerous cyber interactions, talking on various subjects from poetry to work to boys.  And a lot of the stories she tells me are hilarious – you wouldn’t believe this girl’s life sometimes.

I feel blessed to have someone like Mhairi in my life, not only because she shares my love of poetry and we can go to poetry events together, but because she gets the work I do – she’s my kindred spirit in a lot of ways.  She not only has a love for YP Insight, but she contributes and supports in any way she can.  She’s an ideal TCFT participant, who threw herself into the process.  In fact, Mhairi throws herself into anything she does – I know she will always be willing to support and get involved when she can.  I admire that.

What I think I most admire about Mhairi though, is her ability to strike up a conversation and keep it going with anyone.  It’s brilliant – I sometimes say, ‘I wish I was more Mhairi,’ because of it.  Meeting people like Mhairi makes the work I do even richer, and also a whole lot easier.  Having friends like her – loyal, supportive, caring, funny – makes life a lot brighter.

Thank you Mhairi for being such a big part of my 2018, and I hope that will continue for years and years to come.  We need to get a picture together as well, because I don’t know how that hasn’t happened this year.  Love you girl.

Love Letter To…

To…

I want you to know how I feel.  I need you to know how I feel, cos its driving me crazy.  Even trying to find the right words is difficult, because I don’t know where to start and I don’t know where the feelings end.  I’m not sure how strong my feelings are, and then when I stop to consider them, I wonder whether they’re even genuine.

However, I think they have to be.  Because there is no reason for me to feel this aching sadness, simply because I don’t know if you feel for me.  There is no need for me to get upset over being unable to tell you how I feel.  I shouldn’t miss you this much or want to talk to you almost everyday.  Why have I sat wondering what’s going on with her or if she is your girlfriend?  In all honesty, I should feel no way about us not being together and just being friends.

I wish it was that easy – that I could lock my feelings away and toss them to the bottom of the sea, never to be felt again.  I don’t want to feel this way about you.  You’re my friend and a close friend at that; losing you does not bear thinking about.  When life feels bad, it’s you I want to talk to.  I want to share my joys with you.  Music is our language; so many songs make me think of you – if you only knew how many songs I’ve sent, loosely trying to let on how I feel about you.

Yet I don’t think its the same on your end – I’m not sure you want to let me in.  Although don’t get me wrong, you’ve shared some beautiful things and I’ve valued our conversations more than you will ever know.  I just don’t think you realise how much I want to be there for you, how much I am there for you, and I want to hear anything you have to say.

You might ask when my feelings for you began, but I honestly have no idea.  I know they’ve been there for a while, but I’ve tried my hardest to ignore or suppress them, to no avail it would seem.  All I know is that you were able to capture my heart with your caring nature, maturity and musical romanticism; your humour, intelligence and wisdom.  Your eyes drew me in to your haunting beauty – beautiful eyes that somehow see beauty in me.

I love the way you see me; I wish I could see myself the same way that you do.  I don’t know if that will ever be the case though, as you see this truly beautiful, strong, amazing woman, which I cannot understand.  But then again, I can tell that you don’t fully see yourself the way I see you.

What makes my feelings for you even more frustrating is that they persist, even when you hurt me last year and left my heart feeling bruised.  You came across like so many others before you and it effected our bond in a way – I put up walls and tried to create some distance, which hasn’t fully gone away.  Yet those feelings are still there and you won’t get at of my head, as sickening as it is.

I want to be close to you and have your arms wrapped around me.  I want to look up into those big, beautiful brown eyes that warm my heart and put a smile on my face.  I want to walk with you hand in hand, talking about our lives.  I want to be able to kiss you, while we listen to the music we love so much.  Simply put, I want to be with you… but I can’t and that’s just the way it is.  You’re out of reach and you most likely don’t feel the same.  That’s just the way my life is and I’m gonna have to deal with that.

However, I had to let you know how I feel, because it was tearing my up inside and I couldn’t take it anymore.  I hope we can stay friends, because I love you with all my heart and I can’t lose you.  You’ve become such a special person in my life and I hope you know that.

Love always,

Shan

A Hilarious, Tiny Friend

As it was her birthday last Friday and I celebrated with her over the weekend, I thought it was only right to dedicate this next post to one of my fellow tiny friends.  Like I’ve mentioned before, it always feels a little nice to have a friend who is shorter than me, because I am so small myself.

I can’t believe that I have known this person for a little over five years now, which shows just how fast time flies by.  It has not been the smoothest of roads, but we have managed to remain friends and she never fails to bring humour into my life.

Her stories are absolutely hilarious and she does some of the strangest things that have me in fits of laughter.  She is a genuinely funny person, without even meaning to be, which I think is the best kind of funny.

We are different people who run with a very different circle of friends, but if I am anywhere with her, she always tries to make me feel comfortable and get me to enjoy myself.  I’ve got to say that spending time with her has led to me meeting some of the most interesting characters, who will be forever engrained in my memory.

This person is one of the most unique individuals you will ever come across and it makes me happy to think that she has provided me with so many funny memories, because memories are one of the aspects of life that I treasure most.  I hope she knows that I love her tiny self so much.