It feels like I’m slowly fading away and dying inside. Although I have a desire to live and push forward in all my endeavours, there is no more fight left.
Over time, I’ve felt myself getting weaker and weaker, relying on God to give me all of the strength I need to get by, because I’m tired of fighting anymore.
I’m tired of living in this cold, cruel world, full of cold people. Cold people who stab you in the back, turn their backs on you, kick you when you’re down and stamp all over your heart. I’ve been exhausted by the constant lies, mind games and two-faced behaviour, resulting in me not knowing who to trust.
Even though I’m trying to stay hopeful and cling on to the vision of love that I want so much, so that I can say to that special person, “I knew I loved you before I met you”, I’m starting to think that I’ll always be riding solo.
Guys continue to show that they’re the same, over and over again, with their false words, false personalities and manipulations. When I consider letting any guy in, they somehow show their true colours and make me feel stupid, taking me right back to square one.
I want to be able to not only let guys in, but let people in, especially if I want to get married in the near future. However, people make that extremely difficult and the barriers that started to break down are being built back up, only this time they are twice as thick.
I’m sick of taking one step forward and then ten steps back, after another run-in with someone who professed to be my friend. My heart is still hurting after the loss of a close friendship and it feels like it has been broken into a million pieces after other events.
I am a mess who wants to be fixed, but I know that is going to be tough process and only God has the ability to fix me completely. I just wish that I could be better than this and make God proud by being the positive, happy person that I should be and that He wants me to be.
Maybe the fight will return to me sometime soon, but for now, I’m tired.