No More Fight

It feels like I’m slowly fading away and dying inside.  Although I have a desire to live and push forward in all my endeavours, there is no more fight left.

Over time, I’ve felt myself getting weaker and weaker, relying on God to give me all of the strength I need to get by, because I’m tired of fighting anymore.

I’m tired of living in this cold, cruel world, full of cold people.  Cold people who stab you in the back, turn their backs on you, kick you when you’re down and stamp all over your heart.  I’ve been exhausted by the constant lies, mind games and two-faced behaviour, resulting in me not knowing who to trust.

Even though I’m trying to stay hopeful and cling on to the vision of love that I want so much, so that I can say to that special person, “I knew I loved you before I met you”, I’m starting to think that I’ll always be riding solo.

Guys continue to show that they’re the same, over and over again, with their false words, false personalities and manipulations.  When I consider letting any guy in, they somehow show their true colours and make me feel stupid, taking me right back to square one.

I want to be able to not only let guys in, but let people in, especially if I want to get married in the near future.  However, people make that extremely difficult and the barriers that started to break down are being built back up, only this time they are twice as thick.

I’m sick of taking one step forward and then ten steps back, after another run-in with someone who professed to be my friend.  My heart is still hurting after the loss of a close friendship and it feels like it has been broken into a million pieces after other events.

I am a mess who wants to be fixed, but I know that is going to be tough process and only God has the ability to fix me completely.  I just wish that I could be better than this and make God proud by being the positive, happy person that I should be and that He wants me to be.

Maybe the fight will return to me sometime soon, but for now, I’m tired.

My Own Worst Enemy

It is incredibly frustrating being my own worst enemy, but what is worse is that I cannot seem to stop warring with myself.  No matter how hard I try, I find myself fighting internally, which just drags me down.

I have spent a lot of time blaming other people and other factors, when it really all comes down to me.  Yes, people have hurt me and I have struggled with certain situations, but I have allowed myself to be badly effected by the actions of others and I have put myself in some stupid situations.  I have made bad decisions, I have told myself that I mean nothing and I have convinced myself that I am always the problem.

Most of my negative feelings have been fabricated in my mind, as no one has actually said those things directly to me.  I expect constant high standards of myself and when I don’t reach those standards or get what I want, I put myself down and find ways to feel worthless.  I want everyone to like me, accept me and respond well to me, but I start closing myself off when that doesn’t happen.

Over the years, I have built up walls and closed myself off, which has made me a quieter and smaller version of myself.  My self-esteem has dropped and my confidence has diminished drastically, preventing me from being truly happy and reaching the potential that so many individuals can see in me.  It’s as if all those around me can see the good, except me.

I have known for a long time that I am my own worst enemy, but realising that it is the cause of so many of my problems is a great move in the right direction, because I can do something about it.  However, what is difficult is trying to overcome it, as I don’t really have an idea of how to do that.  I know that it all starts with having faith in God and sitting at His feet, but where do I go from there?

Overcoming my battle with self is essential, because it is seriously holding me back.  It is preventing me from getting up and doing things that I have every intention of doing.  It is stopping me from going out, being brave and speaking to the young people that I need to speak to.  It is putting a halt to me making a real difference, and I really don’t want that.

Again, this is about me being a work in progress and I am glad that God is working in my life, but this is an issue that needs to be fixed as soon as possible.  I hate being my own worst enemy and it is extremely tiring now, because I want to be so much more than the person I am and finally be the person that God wants me to be.

Threat of a Dreaded Three-peat

The Indiana Pacers managed to cling on to a win last night to extend the series, but I don’t see them winning the two more games in a row that they need to beat the Miami Heat.

The Pacers have not been the most consistent team during the playoffs and their game during the second half of the season was far from impressive, which is likely to send the Heat sliding into the NBA Finals.

Getting to the Finals means the possibility of a three-peat by the Heat, which I do not want to happen at all.  There is going to be all this talk of a dynasty, them being one of the best ever teams in the history of the league and worst of all, there will be ever increasing talk of LeBron James.

Now let’s get one thing straight, there is no way that the Heat are the best team in the league – if you want to talk team basketball, then you need to talk about the San Antonio Spurs.  The Heat are just LeBron James supported by Dwayne Wade and his back up singers, with a few solos by Chris Bosh or Ray Allen.  This is not a team.

The Heat are not as amazing as some people think they are and getting to the NBA Finals, and even Eastern Conference Finals, four years in a row is not a huge achievement in this present era of basketball.  The Eastern conference is weak and it was especially pathetic this year – even the Pacers who almost beat the Heat last year are not playing at their A-game.

The Bulls lost their MVP Derrick Rose during the 2012 playoffs when they were said to be the biggest threat to the Heat, which did not result in a fair fight either.  The Heat are not beating their major competition at their best, showing that there is not solid proof of them actually being the best.

On the other hand, the Heat have then gone on to beat the Spurs and Oklahoma City Thunder who fought through the strong Western Conference, which could indicate that they actually are the best, but I still do not believe that this is the case.

The Heat, which is a team led by veterans and players with plenty of playoff experience, beat the inexperienced Thunder in 2012.  And do not get me started on the 2013 title, which the Heat did not in fact win, but the Spurs lost and handed it to them.  Watching that sixth game, you could see that there was no way the Heat should have won and I firmly believe that the whole thing was a fix.

The Heat do not deserve to win this year and I don’t want to hear the constant talk of LeBron getting his third ring and third Finals MVP, which I don’t think that he deserved last year either.  They are not one of the best teams or a dynasty, and I think that referring to them in that way is an insult to the basketball teams of old, who were truly talented.

Right now, I am just dreading the possibility of a three-peat and I hope that the Spurs can rally back to beat the Thunder and deal with their unfinished business from 2013.  I believe that it is the Spurs who truly deserve this title.